Jen Jen's Ramblings

2012-01-08T10:19:00.000-08:00

Progress! I had a very productive conversation with my mom a couple nights ago.

So I called her to tell her that David got me a ring. I wanted her to know that we're very serious about getting married. (I actually chose the ring and ordered it off a website, because I can't trust someone else to make that decision for me.)

Then she immediately asked, "You got it then?" And she wasn't talking about the ring. She was talking about the pre-nup.

Then she went on to repeat herself about how you never know what the future holds. "You're only 22..." We were talking over each other by this time, so I firmly said:

"Mom, can I say something?"

"Tell mommy what you have to say."

"I'm 24. And I have spent every day with David (practically) for the past 3 years, I know him and he knows me very well." (I didn't know how to say "each other" in Cantonese)

Then I told her that in California, you must be married for 10 years before you have to split everything in half. So if I'm not happy at 9 years, I can get out.

She was content that I did my research to protect myself, "oh, so you looked into it, that's good."

"Mom, I know you're worried about me. I understand that."

Silence. I was choked up, and the silence on the other end of the line meant she was choked up too.

I told her David and I wanted to visit her at the end of February. And this time, timing didn't work in my favor. My maternal grandmother from Canada will be visiting and staying only until mid-February.

When I told David about the unfortunate timing, I realized something for the first time: I only have 1 grandparent left. I never thought of it that way before. Both my grandfathers died before I was born, so when my paternal grandmother passed in 2010, I thought of it as a single loss. I didn't think of it in terms of having only one person from that generation left in my life. Sigh.

Anywho, I think my mom's pretty content with the divorce laws I told her about, but I'm not 100% sure. We'll find out at the end of February.

2012-01-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

I have quite the dream to write about. And it'll be a perfect segue into my next important topic: how my mom feels about David and I getting married.

Just like they say in Inception, this dream starts in the middle...

I wake up in Emerson's bed. (yes, my on-again-off-again ex-boyfriend of 6.5 years) We kiss softly for several long seconds. No tongue, just lips gently pressed. Then he puts his lips on the curve between where my neck and shoulder meet and he blows. Like how you would blow on a child's belly to tickle them, I don't know if there's a verb for that. And it feels good. Dangerously good. Next thing I know he's whipped out his penis and is looking for a condom. As he struggles to tear open the Trojan ultra-ribbed condom in the gold package, I say, "I don't know if I want to do this." He tries to change my mind with words and caresses, and I thought about giving in. I thought, "this will make him happy. I owe him this. David doesn't have to know." Then Emerson starts to put on the condom and I snap out of it. I think, "I'm not that person anymore. I don't have to do this. I have to live with myself." So I tell Emerson "no." He gets angry and storms out of the bedroom. I get dressed (couldn't tell you when I got undressed) and it's a struggle to get my pants on. I'm not coordinated in my dreams. As I'm struggling to clothe myself, I hear my mom's voice on the other side of the door. She's giving food to Emerson's mom and telling her how to prepare it. I think, "shit! If she sees me here with my pants off, then she's really not going to like David and me getting married."

And scene.

I was anticipating telling my mom about David and me getting married for weeks. I knew I would see her in December, and decided that's when I would tell her. I was very nervous. She's always been critical of David. Literally almost every time she mentions David, it's about him going to school. Rather, it's about me pushing him to go to school. I had very good reason to be nervous. The worst-case scenario I imagined was her response being, "Not until he goes to school." The worst-case scenario didn't happen. And if I look at it that way, it makes the actual scenario a little easier to bare.

I told her, "I've been thinking..."

"Tell mommy what you've been thinking."

"I've been thinking that I want to marry David this year."

And I gave her the reason that I thought she would understand or agree with the most: he needs health insurance. We can't afford to pay for his work's health insurance.

Her immediate response was: pre-nup. She explained herself: you never know what will happen in the future. It'd be great if you love each other forever, but you really don't know that.

I know where she's coming from. She's the female breadwinner who was married to a cheating, voluntarily unemployed bum. She only owns half the house that she pays for in full. I know, mom, I know you're trying to protect me from repeating your mistakes.

But she doesn't know where I'm coming from. And it's not her fault. She's only met David a handful of times and hasn't spent any significant amount of time with us together. She doesn't know us. She doesn't know that we're the best couple in the world and that literally everyone we know isn't surprised by our wedding announcement. Even my uncle Bak Fu knows us better than my mom does.

So the plan of attack now is for David and me to visit Vegas. Show her what we're all about. 2 days isn't very long, but it'll have to do. Because after the visit or at the end of it, I'm going to tell her we are not getting a pre-nup.

2012-01-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

I started the new year off on a good foot in terms of courage and conviction. Though the story I'm about to tell you happened before midnight last night, it was already 1/1/12 somewhere.

David and I spent New Year's Eve with just the 2 of us. Enjoying each other's company as we approached the double whammy that is New Year's day and our 3rd anniversary. During dinner, for some reason, I brought up a story of when we went to Disney World and David saw a man purposely litter. This guy was pushing a child in a stroller with his wife (presumably), and deliberately tossed a plastic cup onto the ground as he continues walking. I brought this up because I said to David that we should speak up the next time we see assholes like that doing something inconsiderate and irresponsible. By not saying anything, assholes will continue inconveniencing others with their ignorance and laziness without ever having to think that they're ignorant and lazy. Just speak up and put that thought in their head - "hey, you did something that makes you look like a small person."

Literally minutes before midnight, I see a white guy with glasses exit his car, drop 2 plastic cups on the curb, and goes on his merry way. I said to him "hey, you dropped your cup." His response was, "yeah I did," and continues to walk away. So he did it on purpose. So he doesn't care about littering or the environment or keeping the world we live in a nice place. But he knows littering is against our society's moral code, or at least against what we teach our children at school. And he might never care, but at least I reminded him that his action was one of a small person.

Less than 15 seconds after he walks away, someone walking behind him picks up his cups for him. I wonder how he felt to return to his car with his trash having been picked up. I wonder if he thought, "ha, I got someone else to pick up my trash for me," or, "I'm an adult and I'm embarrassed that someone cleaned up after me." Either way, I'm proud of myself. I loathe confrontation, but that needs to change if I am to be a doctor. Maybe I accidentally made a new year's resolution?

I mention that he's a white guy with glasses because assumptions and stereotypes are so powerful. When I first saw him, I assumed he was nerdy, and therefore educated. By assuming he was educated, I expected that he would be relatively mature and responsible. I don't know what his nerdiness or education level are, but he surely didn't act mature and responsibly. Anywho, I immediately correlated the assumption I made of him with the stereotype that Asians aren't the ones who are followed around in a store for fear of shoplifting. I must admit I used this stereotype to my advantage in my heyday. And this guy probably uses his appearance to his advantage too.

2011-11-04T16:39:00.000-07:00

Last night, I watched a documentary titled “The Bridge.” It was about how the Golden Gate Bridge is a popular place to commit suicide. They showed it at my med school.

I have a very personal connection with the topic, so I knew I had to watch it.

The documentary starts off with the most beautiful shots of the Golden Gate Bridge. And when you think it’s just more footage of tourists walking on the bridge, you see an older gentleman climb over the rail and just jump. He didn’t even hesitate. The camera tries to follow him as he hits the water.

The documentary shows several of these jumps. And for each one, it’s as if the camera is purposely recording that person. I don’t know if it’s coincidence or if it’s someone’s job to record the bridge all the time. Either way, there’s something very odd and sad about video recording a person’s last moment alive.

One of the most powerful stories from the documentary was the story of someone who survived a jump. He said the moment he let go of the ledge, he regretted it and wanted to live. And I can’t help but think about my aunt, if she regretted it in her last moments. Or she might have felt relief. I’ll never know.

After that man who survived the jump fell into the water, he was kept afloat by a seal circling under him. And he said in his interview, “You can’t tell me that wasn’t God.” I don’t believe in “God” in the organized religion sense of the word. But I believe this man’s statement. I would call it “the universe.”

“The universe tends to unfold as it should.” Words that have shaped my life. Words from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle believe it or not.

I donated blood for the first time this week. And I had heard that the sensation of bleeding to death is emulated when donating blood. So when I was lying there and seeing that bag fill up with my blood, I felt very emotional. I was lying on my back as I imagine my aunt was also, wondering if maybe she didn’t feel much pain. Maybe she just went to sleep.

2011-09-24T19:46:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a day. One of the proudest days of my life next to my White Coat Ceremony.

Today was the Body Donor Memorial Service. The culmination of 8 months of planning interspersed with stress and worry. Now that it's done and even during the event, the stress seems so petty. But it affected me at the time. I don't get stressed in terms of academics, but when it comes to extracurriculars where I have responsibilities to other people - I get gray hairs. And for this event, we're talking about 500 people I had to please and 140 body donors I had to honor. This is an extremely important event.

And it went great. Nearly perfectly. And way beyond my expectations. I was on top of everything today - running around, tending to what needed to be tended to. But at the same time, I feel like the event just happened. It still doesn't fit together in my mind that my hard work (with the invaluable help of others) created the wonderful event that everyone is praising and thanking me for. But I know - I know it was my leadership that made today possible and everything happened the way it was supposed to happen. And I'm so high on life right now.

Besides everything running very smoothly, the event was also beyond my expectations because of all the people who approached me afterwards.

- I hugged a man I've never met before when he told me he was a future body donor, and his wife who had Alzheimer's was a body donor last year. He was attending his "living funeral." The healthiest 94 year-old I've ever seen.

- A veteran thanked me for including the military honors (not my idea), and I got to thank him for his service. The military honors was such a great addition to the memorial service, I don't know how this was the first memorial service to have it. My good friend Melissa teared up because her grandpa had military honors at his funeral.

- The PR guy for UCDMC, who I've been in touch with since February, brought his girlfriend to meet me. Her father donated his body...this past September 11th.

- There was a hauntingly beautiful display of an old nurse uniform with a wool cape and the old-school nurse hats. And next to it was an old black-and-white picture of a nurse wearing that exact hat. I got to meet her family and her teenage granddaughters told me they loved the event.

There were several other family members and so many classmates and staff from the Body Donation Program that said thank you and good job to me. It's hard to think of another time in my life where I accomplished something this great.

Funny to think that I was filled with such self-doubt and that I accidentally fell into this leadership position. Oh universe, you tend to be so good to me.

I will leave you now with kind words from my classmates.

Hey Jenny.

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed the service this morning. I wasn't able to attend the one last year, and was so impressed with how polished it was. I know it meant a lot to both the med students and families of those who donated. Thanks for doing such a great job putting everything together.

-Eric

What an amazing memorial service for our incredible body donors. It was a beautiful way to honor these generous individuals. Thanks to all the organizers and performers, with a special shout out to Jenny Phung for all your hard work. (Erin's facebook status)

Hi Jenny,

Just wanted to thank you for the hard work you put in for the Memorial Service this morning. I can imagine that was quite time consuming and I really appreciate it. I'm also very impressed how supportive your boyfriend was of you. You guys make a great couple.

Best,
Hasmik

Of course I had to end with that one. lol

2011-08-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

I wrote the following e-mail to one of my mentors:

"The second thing I wanted to just tell you about is an incident involving a white classmate. This classmate is involved in RAP sessions (Real Answers from Peers), which is a panel of MS2's giving advice to MS1's about studying; this is for all MS1's. LMSA and SNMA* are holding their own RAP session for the MS1's who are interested in LMSA and SNMA. And this white classmate said, "I don't like segregated privilege." I haven't said anything to him and don't know if I will. His comment brings me back to our summer institute. And now I have this internal conflict about saying something or not, and disappointment in myself for fearing confrontation. =T"

*LMSA is Latino Medical Student Association and SNMA is Student National Medical Association, which is focused on the needs and concerns of medical students of color.

And this was her response:

"Finally, I get it about the dilemma about what to say. What do you think he meant? That it's a privilege to be only one of a few whatevers....women, LGBTQ, African Americans, Latinos, children of immigrants, etc. and these groups need to get out of the "majority' group's session whatever support they can, but not have the opportunity to receive from their own gathering things that might be distinct for that particular dimension of identity that is salient to them? Does that mean there should be no AMWA, no AMSA, because there is an AMA? Does he mean that he is not allowed to come to the Latino or African American presentations?

I can't tell you what to say and if to say it. I feel the weight of your calculus, as I have had that decision to make so many times.

What is it you fear in saying something to him? Is that thing worth it to you to not say anything?

Will it be useful to say something, or will it make it worse? Will it be worse only for a time, but worth it in the long run?

Will this person receive the feedback, or is he just toxic?

Is there a way to voice for these impressionable students and classmates that YOU believe there is a place for groups where people feel comfortable, that recognizes that some issues may be distinct to some identity dimensions?

For you personally, Jenny, with your work and whatever emotional load in your life you are carrying, is it worth remediating someone else and the energy that takes? I'll tell you, I should have energy to have conversations with strangers and acquaintances about "the Help" book and movie, but I can't right now.....I just don't have the energy to monitor my responses and what that person needs from me to have it be a constructive situation.

Is this someone you have a special "in" with that someone else might not, and thus he won't receive feedback in a constructive way unless you are the one to give it to him. Is he a friend?

Is he hostile about the topic, in which case, someone has to counter him and not let his daggers go un-neutralized. Someone has to be gangsta about it, just as he was so aggressive and forward...

Is he someone you can take aside and talk to in private, so that it isn't confrontational, and it isn't received confrontationally because you embarrassed him in public.

Lots of questions, Jenny. The answer is "It depends," but yes, you do have a special responsibility, given what you know, and that you are in a relatively privileged class of folks (the unfairl social construction of Asian American) who roll within the academic medical center (more so than say, LGBTQ folks, Latinos or African Americans). It would be a constructive, impactful surprise, coming from you.

As always, Jenny, so many of these things depend on timing. I have missed so many opportunities I thought I should have taken advantage of, given my relative privilege, or propensity or knowledge without privilege, within that context. Sometimes the best thing you can do is think through what you might have said or will say if the opportunity comes up again. Your heart will listen for him and anticipate his comments in similarly charged situations, believe me. Even a question like, "Can you explain more about what you mean when you say that?" is powerful. It takes the silencing power away from an act like his that's meant to silence, intimidate, or even notify others that he is struggling, perhaps seriously albeit sarcastically, with something.

Unfortunately, only you can answer these questions. Make a decision, develop a plan based on that situation, then let it go. There will be a million other times in your life, and this may be one of very few opportunities you were attuned to this dilemma and your sense of responsibility in it, yes? It is terribly important that you answer them for yourself before you are the senior resident, or Attending, or senior medical student....Remember, think developmentally, not just like you only have one chance to make a difference and this was it.

I hope this helps. It's a great question. Please feel free to call if you want to talk more. I support you and am proud of you either way. It means alot that this is on your radar."

A lot to think about. Man, I already think too much.

2011-08-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

Ever since I started my Psychiatry class, I've thought a lot of people in my life have aspects of psychiatric illness - myself included. And today, I thought my dad was psychotic. I still do.

Today around noon, I saw 2 missed calls, a voicemail, and a text message. I've received bad news several times this past year through my cell phone, so my thoughts immediately become negative when I see my cell phone blasted like that. I'm usually wrong, but today I wasn't. I see the missed calls are from my dad and sister. The text message was from my sister asking me if I've gotten a "weird" call from dad. So now I dread listening to the voicemail. It was in Cantonese, allow me to translate for you:

"Jenny Phung? It's daddy, today is August 1st [sic] 11:33am. If your dad dies, it'll be at ______ Benito Ave by murder. Do you understand? It'll be by murder, okay?. Don't delete the message, don't delete it. Okay, bye. That's it. Your dad is now (don't know what this means). Bye, bye. I love you, honey. Bye-bye."

Ok, it sounds weird in English that he greeted me with, "Jenny Phung?" But it works in Cantonese, so that part shouldn't weird you out. Of course the rest of it should. When I called him back, I asked him where he was. He was still at that address, that's how he described his location. He didn't want to say "Wendy's house." Wendy's a whore that houses my bum of a father in San Gabriel. I asked him why he doesn't leave if he's going to get killed there. He said he's too drunk to drive (yes, it's noon). I asked him who is going to kill him, and I think he said the "woman's boyfriend." Blah. He told me not to worry about it and study hard.

I didn't think much about it until a couple hours later when I was walking alone for 20 minutes. I felt this very intense emotion that's difficult to describe. The emotion felt visceral, like I had the urge to cry. I kind of fought the idea of crying, because I don't cry for him. I don't think of or feel much for him. But since I couldn't figure out what this feeling was, I finally let myself cry...but I couldn't. No tears came (which says a lot because I produce tears easier than anyone I know). But that urge was still there, that urge to release something inside me, to release that feeling inside me. The closest thing that brought relief was singing with deep breaths. Eventually the singing distracted me from the emotion, and my head was cleared.

If I had to choose vocabulary, I think what I felt was anxiety. Anxiety over my dad's very odd situation, and anxiety about feeling compassion for him. It really throws me off that he said "I love you, honey." It's so fucking weird to me and it really freaks me out. Not just that he said it, but my emotional response to it. So what's very interesting about the anxiety I was feeling was that associated urge for release. That urge for release transformed into an urge for action. It seriously pumped me up. I was walking to the gym, and I got so pumped to run and work out. I also got so pumped to tackle my stressors (aka planning the Body Donor Memorial Service), to just fucking deal with it because I have to face it some time. I've calmed down now, but I have to remember that ferocity I felt. I gotta do this shit!

Anywho, with the craziness of today, I had to call my mom just for the hell of it. I didn't necessarily want to tell her what happened because it could be really stressful. But she actually brought it up. Long story short, my dad's becoming a crazier drunk than he already was and was being belligerent towards Wendy. She wanted to kick him out; he wouldn't leave, and threatened that if anything happened to him, he'd tell his wife and daughters where he is. So that's what that voicemail was about. Basically a threat to Wendy and a desperate plea for help and attention from us. If the situation were more serious and my dad really was in danger, we talk so infrequently that it would be months before I tried to contact him (not counting that I would find out from other family members).

Wendy has 2 relatively young sons that my dad also lives with. Man, their lives must suck. They're getting a worse father-figure than we had.

2011-07-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

In the matter of a few weeks, there have been a series of events that has led to a better relationship between David and me. Before I go on to tell you about these events, it’s important that I admit that I have always thought very highly of my relationship with David. We had never had an argument; we have the same hopes and expectations from our relationship; our silliness and cuteness and level of affection work well together. That second part is the most important: we want the same things and we know what we each expect from the other – that is probably the biggest reason for our success. Some couples don’t even talk about these things. And that’s why people get divorced – the other person didn’t turn out to be who you thought they would be. Ok, I’m just speculating, but I speculate that all divorces have a core of dishonesty (especially dishonesty with oneself). ANYWAY, as highly as I thought of my relationship, there was definitely room for improvement. I’m controlling and I can act more like a scolding, lecturing mom than an equal partner. There are reasons why I morphed into this type of girlfriend – David needed help growing up into a responsible adult, he’s forgetful, and he never talked back. I also just naturally want to be in control…in general, not every specific situation.

So the first event was when my cousin Annie and her friend Debra visited us. We went out to eat at Cattlemen’s (yummy prime rib and twice-baked potato). After David calculated the tip and total for the bill, I immediately (almost instinctively or habitually) asked, “Did you do the math right?” The 3 of them had the same reaction - “Dang, Jenny.” We laughed about it and it remained light-hearted, but it looked bad on my part and it was.

The second event wasn’t a single event, but also a series. After Annie and Debra left, one of my best friends Randy came to stay with me for a whole 8 days. He had work to attend to at UC Davis, so it was like he was our roommate. I don’t necessarily act differently with David in front of people, but I got especially comfortable with Randy. So he saw me be a snappy bitch several times. Yeah, I’ll use the word “bitch.” I’ll even use the words “crazy bitch.” I don’t even remember exactly what the situations were that led to such snappiness. But there were several, and the reaction from Randy was very familiar – “Dang, Jenny” or “Gosh, Jenny.” “Crazy bitch” is an appropriate term to use. I use it semi-jokingly because of course I’m still quite sane, but it’s appropriate because often times the bitchiness is nonsense. It’s not unprovoked but it is uncalled for. Examples: David left the cheese out all day, or David doesn’t look up directions to a place he’s not certain how to get to, or David didn’t make the bed perfectly (when we were getting paid to use our apartment as a model apartment). Sometimes I’m stressed over something else and bitchiness is my release, other times it’s a habitual bitchiness. So Randy’s third-person perspective gave me a lot of perspective. I had recognized before that my bitchiness was unnecessary, and I had apologized to David many times…but didn’t change. After Randy though, I felt so demeaning and emasculating…to a man that least deserved it in the world.

With Randy’s reactions in the forefront of my mind, I was very aware of my flaws. But coincidence wanted to make sure, so then I had a lecture on personality disorders. Dr. Servis (the psychiatrist) told us we’ll recognize ourselves in several of the personality disorders, but that fact alone is very healthy. People with personality disorders are restricted in their coping skills and defense mechanisms. Healthy people have a wide range. Dr. Servis said something to the effect of “you guys might be controlling and perfectionists here in medical school as medical students, but it wouldn’t work so well if you were like that in your relationships.” I thought, “uh-oh.” I left that lecture thinking David and I need counseling, but I really am sane and my insight was enough for us to be healthier.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (not OCD)
•Perfectionistic, constricted, moralistic
•Rigid, formal, emotionally cool
•Driven, competitive, overly concerned with productivity and achievement
•“Workaholic”, unable to relax
•Need to be in control

Dependent Personality Disorder
•Excessive reliance on others
•Permits others to make decisions for them
•Subjugates personal needs to those of others
•Tolerates mistreatment
•Lacks assertiveness, helpless when alone

I resemble the first, and David resembles the second. We don’t fit those to a tee, but I definitely see ourselves in them. I don’t know if David was this way before I met him, I think those traits are specific to his relationship to me. I think I might have made him that way. He’s never been a real boyfriend before…he became the boyfriend I wanted him to be. God that sounds unhealthy. I’m the reason he’s dependent? Wow, it does sound like we need counseling.

And finally, the last event that confirmed what was already confirmed – spending 2 days with a couple that had similar dynamics to David and me. Trying to be as objective as possible, I observed that she had the ability to be a “crazier bitch” than me. Now I was Annie, Debra, and Randy. I felt sympathy for her boyfriend, which is probably what Annie, Debra, and Randy felt for David. The idea that I was the reason for people to feel sympathy for David was repulsive. He literally is always kind to me.

David and I had a great conversation about all this. I told him how I sincerely don’t think he deserves to be snapped at, but I’m going to slip sometimes because old habits are hard to break, so he needs to speak up and talk back to me when I do. It’s made a noticeable difference. I’m still the responsible one and he’s still the sweetheart. But we resemble those personality disorders a little less now.

2011-07-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

The short 6 weeks we call "summer break" in between our first and second year of medical school was very, very eventful. Eventful is the perfect word. The month of May was one of the saddest of my life: bak long died, David and I put our ferret Jake down, and my big aunt got diagnosed with breast cancer. And though I didn't know her, David's best friend Justin's sister got into a horrible car accident in May that caused her to have to relearn how to do everything.

But the other part of my summer break was incredibly insightful, stimulating, awe-inspiring, maddening, but wonderful - the Summer Institute on Race and Health. Not only did I learn things that I would never learn elsewhere, but I grew as a person and gained some much-needed humility. I also built amazing relationships with amazing people. Dr. Jorge Garcia spoke to us applicants when I interviewed at UC Davis. He left such a mark on me that day that I felt like UC Davis was the perfect school for me (and now I'm here! I'm so fortunate). Then he spoke at our Induction Ceremony, and left a mark on David. And during the Summer Institute, I got to know Dr. Garcia and his wife Dr. Jann Murray-Garcia very well, and they even invited David and me to their home for dinner and a movie. I should have blogged about all the things I learned and my reactions to them. It would have been great to share with you, whoever you are. I think I will try to blog more often now.

And lastly, the last reason my summer was eventful - bak long's funeral. It's been nearly a month, and I will try to remember the best I can. David and I got to eat breakfast with Annie, her dad, her uncle from Macau, our big aunt and big uncle, and my sister Helen. I realize I used the term "got to" like it was a privilege or opportunity, but it really was. I miss my family so much, I miss having people nearby who love me so much. And I especially felt privileged to have shared time with Annie, her dad, and her uncle from Macau when they were so busy. When I got to the funeral home, I learned from Connie some heavy information. While Connie and Tammy were helping clean out Bak Long's clothes from the home (we put all her clothes and belongings in the casket with her), they found a letter. This was surprising because Bak Long didn't leave a letter, though she had before in her previous attempts. But as Tammy read it, she realized it wasn't a letter from Bak Long. It was a letter from Bak Fu (her husband) telling her how much he loves her and how everything is going to be okay - a love letter to his mentally ill wife. That is so hauntingly beautiful - I never think of my uncle as beautiful. When I think about this letter, I instantly cry at the idea of my uncle not giving up and trying so hard to hold on to his wife. It makes me happy that their love was so genuine, but also saddens me. So of course I instantly teared up when Connie told me this. Bak Fu saw me crying and patted me on the shoulder - the closest thing to a hug for Chinese people. I actually like the way we show love. Annie's uncle from Macau, who was Bak Long's only blood relative present (except Annie of course), sobbed throughout the funeral. We all noticed, he sobbed harder than any of us did. I wonder if it's because he barely ever got to see her for 20 years. Connie gave the English eulogy. It was really sad. Connie lived with Bak Long for a year. I gave her a hug afterwards even if it was a little awkward. I got to spend time with my mom one-on-one during the funeral procession, another privilege. I can not imagine losing her, nevertheless when I was 18. After the burial, we ate at the vegetarian restaurant. And the cousins caught up with each other, joked around. We got to spend time with our baby nephew Collin, which I'm pretty sure is rare for most of the cousins. Collin loved David, and even mentioned him afterwards about "nice guy talk about Cars." He's an impressive 2-year-old. When we left the restaurant, David hit the nail on the head when he said, "The reception after the funeral are always good because they make you realize that life can and will go on." I love being close to my cousins.

Annie and Debra came up to visit me during my first week back in school. I had to bring them to one class with me. As fate would have it, it was the one class that hits exactly close to home. It was a case study about bipolar disorder and major depression. I don't know what my aunt's official diagnoses were, but Annie recognized practically all the drugs. She recognized the generic name and even knew some of the associated brand names. She was so matter-of-fact about knowing these drugs and their side effects. She's amazingly strong. I felt a little guilty that I brought her to the one lecture out of all my med school lectures that she would understand the most. But she was fine, and she continues to impress me.

2011-07-01T18:10:00.001-07:00

What I have experienced in the past few days has been a true out-of-body experience. When I think back to Wednesday May 11, 2011, the memories I see are like scenes from a movie or TV show or a dream. I see myself experiencing the events of Wednesday, rather than feeling like I experienced it myself. Reality has 2 parts: the part that actually happened and the part where your mind has to accept what actually happened. And if something happens that you can't believe, but know is true, everything feels like a dream.

I visited southern California last week for less than 4 days. With so many people to see, I set aside Wednesday as my day to visit family in the Baldwin Park area. On Wednesday morning, I called my sister Helen, she told me "let me call you back" and I heard a siren go off. I take the phone with me to the shower because I'm positive that the siren I heard meant bad news. I actually thought my uncle that Helen lives with needed an ambulance for some reason. That was the only possibility that occurred to me.

I distinctly remember putting shampoo in my hair when my phone rang. Helen told me our aunt had stabbed herself and she was being taken to the hospital. We call her "Bak Long" in Chinese, which means my dad's older brother's wife. This was definitely sad and traumatic news, but Helen didn't tell me she died, so I thought she was going to be okay. This was at least her third attempt at suicide that I knew of, and she's always been okay. Well, survived is a better word, because my aunt was not okay.

Before I left David's grandma's house in Fountain Valley (where I was staying), I talked to his Aunt Barb and his grandma about having a BBQ the next day. Yes, right after getting news about my aunt stabbing herself, I still thought having a BBQ would be okay. Not out of insensitivity, but out of extreme optimism. I was worried about my aunt for sure, but the only outcome possible to me would be normalcy.

When I arrived at Helen's house, she and my other aunt (big aunt) had not returned yet. I called my mom to tell her of the news, she said "yeah, I know, bak long has died." I responded, "What?! No she hasn't!" And my mom responded, "oh thank god." You don't take a dead person to the hospital, right? When Helen and big aunt returned home, then I got the story:

My uncle (my dad's older brother, Bak Long's husband, we call him "Bak Fu") had heard that Bak Long didn't show up to work that morning. She didn't answer her cell phone or the house phone. Since we've had suicide scares before, Helen and big aunt had a key to their house. So Bak Fu sent them over. The story big aunt described to me was out of a movie, which is why it's so hard to believe. Big aunt found Bak Long passed out on the bed covered in blankets. She shook her with no response. When she uncovered the blankets, that's when she saw the blood and two big knives. She screamed to Helen, "Call 911!" Big aunt said the blood looked dry, at least 2 hours old. Bak long's heart had already stopped when she was found, but the paramedics revived her. So they don't take dead people to the hospital.

With all this additional information, I still believed everything was going to be okay. Bak Long was in the operating room at USC Medical Center, they were going to save her. Bak Fu, my cousin Annie (Bak Long's only daughter and child), my dad, and my aunt Tammy were already at the hospital, there was no need for us to go also. So Helen, big aunt, big uncle, and I went on with our day.

We ran errands that we were planning on running before the morning's incident. We ate lunch. We even laughed. Not only did we laugh, but I found my big aunt more funny and witty than I had ever known her to be. We were listening to Lady Gaga, and my aunt complimented how nice-sounding American music was, while Chinese music sounded so whiny with people singing about "not being able to live without you." She also seriously advised me to advise David that he’s too smart and too pretty to be working on cars, and he should be a phlebotomist. I wondered if my big aunt's humor was freed after my grandma's passing last year. Anyway, I think the four of us all felt the same way - she's going to be fine like all the other times.

Helen and I get text messages that she's finally out of the operating room (after 4 hours) and in the ICU. That's good, right? That means she's alive, right?

I texted Annie to see how she was doing. She texted back "I'm mourning, but idk." Mourning? Why? "At least your mom's still here," I text back. "They say she's not going to make it," she texts back.

It was probably less than 30 minutes after that text that we got the news she was gone. We were expecting it for 30 minutes, but only 30 minutes. This isn't like when my grandma passed. I had weeks to prepare for that phone call.

I got to see everyone that was at the hospital for dinner. We ate at a vegetarian restaurant, because it's custom to eat only vegetarian until after the funeral. Annie's eyes were red and she asked me to go with her to the bathroom. I later found out that she's scared of her mom's ghost. Connie and I bickered at dinner. I can't blame that all on her, but I'm disappointed in both of us. I told her that I want to go into Psychiatry, and she said, "Nooooo," and I said, "don't tell me what to do." "I'm not telling you what to do," she responded very defensively. Connie knows me well on some levels, but I don't think she understands my values. So I was upset at her presumptions.

Anyway, we went to the Taoist church after dinner where we met with Annie's best friend Debra. They greeted each other with a long hug, and I cried just watching. We chanted and prayed for Bak Long. Then the church members and us sat around to discuss the funeral arrangements. They spoke in Mandarin so I didn’t understand. But when my uncle was describing the day’s events, I didn’t have to understand Mandarin to understand what he was saying.
After we left the church, Annie, Debra, and I went to go talk. Just the three of us in Debra’s car. I had my tissues on hand. Annie opened up about everything she was thinking and feeling. One of the most difficult things from this whole experience was hearing Annie describe what she’ll miss about her mom: she won’t be there to cook soup for me when I’m sick, she won’t join me in bed in the morning and just hold me, she won’t tell me to wear a sweater, she won’t fold my blankets. It was perfect that the three of us were there together. Annie’s my favorite cousin and I’m hers. Debra is her best friend, whom I made my honorary cousin. I wasn’t there for my family when my grandma passed and I was okay with that. But I had to be there for Annie. The timing of my visit worked out perfectly. It kind of feels wrong to use the word “perfect” in this situation, but I believe I was meant to be there for Annie.
The other most difficult thing from this experience was waking up the next morning. As soon as I opened my eyes, I awoke to the reality that my aunt was gone and that she died so traumatically. I started sobbing the moment I woke up. David and I then went for a walk, and it helped stop the tears.
Our plans were to leave for Davis that day (Thursday). But not before seeing Annie one more time, and not before helping my family somehow in some way. And we did help out in a small, but meaningful way – we helped move the mattress on which my aunt had died out of the house. As we walked to the bedroom, I asked David if he was ready. He said no. There was some blood on the floor, and the mattress had a circle of dried blood. It was like a scene from a movie, and that’s what it felt like. A movie. Yes, there was a dark red circle on the mattress, but my reality didn’t believe that it was my aunt’s. It was a king-size mattress and as we maneuvered it out of the house, the mattress would fold. And that’s when we saw it. I remember staring at it in shock. The blood was bright red oozing out of the mattress. As fresh as the blood I see when I draw blood on patients. It makes sense considering she lost liters of blood and it had only been a day, but it’s a sight I never thought I would ever have to see. No one does.
Bak Fu also helped us move the mattress. He’s a very serious man, who does what needs to get done. Annie told me he cried at the hospital when he kissed Bak Long’s cheek and said goodbye. I’ve never seen him cry. I wasn’t there to see it, but the image of the strongest man I know crying as he kisses my unconscious Bak Long’s cheek still instantly brings a lump to my throat.
Bak Long’s purse and sweater were sitting on the couch in the house. Like she was home. I remember staring at it too, struggling to believe that she will never use her purse again.
This tragedy was not just any death. She stabbed herself in the chest, and the knife went through to her back. She leaves behind my favorite cousin, who is about to graduate high school. She was one of the sweetest women in my life. She was so loving and nurturing and caring. But she was sick and suffering. She hadn’t been herself in the past year, the mental illness consumed her. So I am terribly sad and will miss her so much. But I’m not asking “why?” There really are no questions to ask, we can only move forward.

2011-04-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

To quote the following overused quote:
Be the change you wish to see in the world. – Gandhi

So simple, it’s almost like, duh?

Of course it’s not so simple. We’re still human and we still need to look out for ourselves. And when it comes to doing the right thing, the situation often requires sacrifice – either a financial sacrifice, a sacrifice of one’s time, or making yourself vulnerable to attack and criticism.

I read the above quote many years ago, and it’s not a quote I can ever fully forget, but sometimes do. However, when I do act according to the quote, boy am I very proud of myself. There’s a delicate distinction between pride and arrogance, but I’m proud of my values, and especially proud when my values are manifested in action.

This is not a blog to toot my own horn. But I love to record strange coincidences in my life, so here it goes.

Two nights ago, a high school senior knocked on my apartment door selling subscriptions to The Sacramento Bee. If he sold a certain number of subscriptions, he would be entered into a drawing for a $1000 scholarship for college. Being my curious and slightly cautious self, I questioned his educational aspirations. He wants to be a doctor. And hey, I’m a medical student. So now I will have unwanted newspapers arriving at my door for the next 5 weeks. He’s a Latino student from a low-income family with ambition for higher education.
- Do I want to see underrepresented minorities in higher education? Yes.
- Will I cough up the money to make it happen? I did.

Most people (hopefully) would answer yes to the first question, but I don’t know how many would answer positively to the second question. It’s not so much the issue of money, because I can definitely understand people wanting to save in this economy. It’s more the issue that it’s not enough to just want something. I can’t just want social justice, I need to make it happen the best I can.

So after that incident, I was very cognizant about the thought process I went through when I decided to contribute to his education though I’m living off loans. I know why I spent the money, and it wasn’t just out of simple kindness or pity or an inability to say no. It was about living by my values, even if that meant some sacrifice.

Then yesterday, during our “Conversation Café” in Culture in Medicine, one of the questions posed for conversation was: “How will you be, as Gandhi says, the change you wish to see in the world?” And I already knew the answer, I’m already living the answer.

I’m nowhere near perfect, and sacrifice isn’t easy for me. But I’m proud that I’m aware at least. And that I care to be aware.

Besides dishing out money to good causes, I’m going to work on speaking up when I see wrong. I’m pretty scared of confrontation, but I’ve grown a lot since starting medical school. I’m going to be a doctor, I’m going to be confronted. So my skin is thickening slowly, but surely. So if there’s a homophobic or racist or any discriminatory, dehumanizing joke or comment or situation, let’s speak up. Whether or not you change someone’s mind, at least you were heard.

2011-02-16T20:45:00.000-08:00

I recently read an article where Rudy Giuliani said that America has the best healthcare system in the world.

A very vindictive part of me kind of wishes he was uninsured, gets diagnosed with rectal cancer, gets charged $23,000 for the CT scan used to diagnose it, and that be the end of his options.

Of course I don’t really want that, but I want him to know how it feels. Because I saw a patient last Saturday at clinic that is going through just that. Here is how I would write the History of Present Illness:

A 55-year-old Mien man presents to clinic today with a diagnosis of rectal cancer. He wants to inquire about medications to treat his cancer. The patient is uninsured, but is paying out-of-pocket to the UC Davis Medical Center for the CT Scan used to diagnose his cancer. He has had rectal bleeding since July 2009, but delayed seeking medical treatment because of his insurance status. He was finally diagnosed in December 2010 when he was admitted to the UC Davis Emergency Department. The patient complains of rectal bleeding every time he has a bowel movement (3-5 times/day) and even when he isn’t having a bowel movement. The patient used to be a farmer, but is currently unemployed because his condition prevents him from working.

This man has had cancer for 19 months at least without any treatment. This is the saddest case I have seen yet in clinic. What can a dinky little student-run clinic do for him? (I love our clinic, but it is dinky). Not much. We did a physical exam, and I saw the bleeding for myself. It seriously looked like he was on his period, but out of his rectum. We drew blood to test if the cancer has metastasized to his liver, and to test other markers I don’t really understand.

But besides the lab tests, the most important thing we could do was to be his advocate. So our medical director wrote a letter advocating that he should receive Medicare despite his age. As of right now, I’m hopeful that he will qualify for Medicare. Thus, I’m hopeful about his prognosis. He is supposed to return to clinic this Saturday, and I really hope he returns with good news. Because right now, I’m very optimistic. But if Medicare rejects him…I don’t know how I will handle it.

So this is my story as a medical student. This is my story about why our nation’s healthcare system is so fucked up. I don’t have a nation-wide solution to the problem. But at least for California, WE NEED SINGLE PAYER!!!!!!!!

2011-01-23T22:32:00.000-08:00

A miracle happened today. I almost never use the word "miracle." But there are no other words to describe it...it was miraculous.

I opened my patio's glass sliding door to air out the apartment. 15 minutes or so later when I go to close it, the screen door is open as well. I ask David, "why is the screen door open?" David replies, "Oh shit!" That's when I realized that our ferret Jake had opened it.

David and I both stared at the bottom of our patio fence. We stared at the spaces he could have possibly crawled under. Then we searched for him outside. It's dark and cold, and I don't hear any rustling in the bushes. David and I separate to different sides of the apartment complex. I had a gut feeling he went to one particular side, so I followed my gut, but didn't follow it far enough. I stopped short of the sidewalk and street...too short. I think I stopped because I already sort of gave up - it had only been a few minutes. It wasn't the time I spent searching that made me give up, it was the darkness and the abundance of bushes surrounding me. The odds were against us and I accepted it so easily.

So I turned back only to hear David, "I found him!" I ran to them, so happy and so relieved. A neighbor had spotted him on the sidewalk and saw that he had walked into the street. A girl was parking her car and Jake was under it. He could have been ran over, but he wasn't. He could have been lost forever, but he's not. David found him on the street that I was heading towards, but stopped short.

It was a miracle tonight that we found him. And though the ending is happy, it wasn't my courage and conviction that saved him. If I had walked farther, searched harder, David and I would have found him together. I'm just disappointed in myself that I failed to try. And I'm worried that this is a personality trait of mine that is not conducive to a career in medicine. Well, something I got to work on.

2010-11-22T14:45:00.000-08:00

I'm not an expert on racism so I find myself struggling to articulate the significance of racism, and sometimes even the existence of it. So I won't try to here. I'm just going to write about how I feel about my classmates' resistance to the required reading Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Dr. Beverly Tatum.

She defines racism as a systemic advantage based on race. So through her definition, all White people are racist because they benefit from this systemic advantage. Though I agree that White people in America are born into privilege because of their race, I don't agree that makes them racist.

Even though I disagree with her definition of racism, I still embraced the book and all its wisdom and insight. My White classmates, however, closed their minds after reading that definition. They felt they were being attacked. Rightly so, I wouldn't want to be called racist just because I'm White. But we all have racism in us, why deny it?

It's not all my White classmates that "don't get it" (a general phrase I use for social consciousness). But the ones who don't get it...I immediately feel a disconnect with them. They're offended that they're classmates of color barely remember any White friends from their undergrad. We weren't avoiding White people, but White people were irrelevant to the development of our racial identity. We sought out people of color to figure ourselves out, not to exclude White people. Undergrad was a big, big place and you could only get close to so many people. So the people I got close to were people of color. That was a specific phase in my life.

Now I'm in medical school, and in a class of 93 students, I'm going to remember a lot more people. It's a different phase in my life where I feel comfortable forming meaningful relationships with anyone in my class. Well, not so much after the reactions to this book.

One argument of a White classmate is that life is hard for everyone. Do you see any scholarships for Caucasians? Do you see any clubs for Caucasians? Again, I'm not an expert so it was difficult for me to counter his argument in words. But I felt the error in his argument, even though I couldn't articulate it. Now that I've let it stew in my mind, I would argue that even though life is hard for everyone, and each individual faces unique challenges, racism is pervasive and harmful to groups of people. So the scholarships and clubs are to help the groups of people who have historically been treated unfairly.

I completely respect every medical student's struggle to get into medical school. And I even admit that it is very possible/likely that the road to medical school for some of my White classmates was more difficult than my own. But racism, to me, is not about the individual. Of course, individuals suffer or gain from racism. But racism is about society, and how society views race. Our society is racist. We judge books by their cover, just not as verbally as we used to. But those judgments we make in our mind are influenced by everything we grew up with. We weren't born to prejudge, but we were sure taught to.

I feel a bit weak-minded for not liking those White classmates who so adamantly opposed the book. They are nice people. But they are nice people who aren't aware of their privilege of being White. I acknowledge that they worked hard to get here. They didn't get here simply because they were born White. However, I want them to acknowledge that people of color have extra obstacles to overcome simply because of their race. Since they don't acknowledge that, it's hard for me to connect with them. They are from a different world than me.

2010-11-15T18:15:00.000-08:00

I can't remember the last time I spent a birthday without friends. I think it might have been my 18th birthday. Anyway, I spent my 23rd birthday without my friends. Just David. But the time I spent with David was so wonderful, I didn't notice the lack of friends. It's not that I don't miss them, nor is it that I would rather spend the day with only David. It's just that, since moving here, I've gotten used to not having my friends around. So spending my birthday without them was like any day in the past 3.5 months. I used to see Lilian and Tiffany every day, and I had to quickly adjust to a life without them in medical school. It was difficult at first. I did feel lonely at school with a class of 93 students, but no one to really call my friend. Like all good things, it took time. I have now found a handful of people I really click with and can share things with. I actually like that it's only a handful, because I'm a firm believer in quality over quantity when it comes to friendships. I can definitely call them my friends, but they're not my best friends.

Best friends are people you can text random things to for no reason. Best friends know your past and understand where you come from. Best friends stay your best friends no matter where life takes either of you. Just friends don't meet any of that criteria. Not in my life anyway.

I actually didn't even mean to delve into this right now! I meant to blog about my birthday with David. I had an epiphany this past week. It really was a lightbulb moment. Where I suddenly confirmed, "Yes, I want to marry him." He was resting his head on my abdomen and talking to our unborn children. He said, "Hi, it's daddy."

Provided that David and I stay the people we are, I predict that our marriage would be a happy one. One with communication, respect, appreciation, fun, support, and love of course. I've had this prediction for a long time now, but was always a tad hesitant to confirm with myself that I want to marry him. There were several reasons for hesitation, some of which I don't even know. But the idea of a legal commitment intimidated me at the age of 22. And isn't it funny that soon after turning 23, I'm not intimidated anymore?

So even without my friends, my birthday was so wonderful because I spent it with him. He treats me well everyday. But he made it a point to make me feel extra-happy and extra-special on my day.

Disclaimer: I am not engaged. I want to marry him in my heart, but we cannot afford a ring yet.

I just realized blogger doesn't let me post pictures!!!!!! What kind of blasphemy is this?!?!!?!

2010-11-12T15:22:00.000-08:00

An interesting comment: Abortion has been separated from medicine.

Society doesn't consider abortion as a part of health care. But it's a very medical procedure and often medically necessary.

Prior to medical school, I was pro-choice, but not very active about it. I have been very, very fortunate to have never gotten pregnant accidentally. So abortion never personally affected me. I just knew that if I were to get pregnant, I want the choice to have an abortion.

But now that I'm in medical school, I'm faced with more responsibility about my stance of pro-choice. As a physician, I will be an advocate for my patients who want an abortion even if I'm not the one performing it.

A part of me understands why people are pro-life. Besides religious reasons, it's difficult to empathize or sympathize with the stereotypical teenage girl who had unprotected sex. I can't empathize with them because I've never gotten pregnant accidentally. I can't sympathize with them because I use birth control. But this is very close-minded. I've just been lucky to not have gotten pregnant. I've had condoms break during intercourse or get stuck inside me. Thank you Planned Parenthood for free Plan B.

I feel that pro-life supporters don't even attempt to understand what a woman is going through when she makes the decision to have an abortion. Ok, that's harsh. Maybe they attempt to, but their closed-mindedness keeps them from being compassionate. It's so easy to scream from the picket lines. Screaming to bring another life into this world. But who is responsible for that life? They're surely not. They're not going to cough up the money to raise that life, they're not going to babysit that life, and most of them will not adopt that life. They just scream from the picket lines.

Sex is great. I believe in sex. I believe in sex for PLEASURE. If you're only having sex to reproduce, then I feel extremely sorry for you.

Accidents happen. But I believe in motherhood by choice, not chance. When a woman is able to CHOOSE whether or not to have children, it's beneficial for EVERYONE.

2010-10-31T16:08:00.000-07:00

How has medical school been going for me? It's been over 3 months since I started, and now I'm only a month away from finals.

Academically, it's been going pretty well. I probably have a lower MCAT score, a lower undergrad GPA, and less experience overall than a lot (if not most) of my classmates. But it doesn't matter here. We're all starting over again from scratch. My MCAT score and GPA doesn't matter anymore, and it won't matter again for the rest of my life. So I've been performing just as well as, and sometimes better than, the rest of my classmates. I feel pretty confident about my academic performance for the next 2 years. It takes time and effort, but it's doable.

My stress level has generally been pretty low with the exception of a couple breakdowns. I'm just not the type of person to be chronically stressed. Medical school is demanding, but if I keep up with the demand, there's no need for stress. October is infamously known as "Red October" because we have a Biochemistry final, an Anatomy Practical, and 2 "quizzes." I put quizzes in quotation marks because they are 30-50 questions in length. So after the Biochemistry final, I had one week to study 3 weeks worth of material for the next quiz. That week was the most stressed I've been in medical school, and it's because I didn't keep up with the material. It's not like I slacked, it's because I was studying for the other exams preceding that quiz. I took that quiz last week and did really well, and now I can't even remember the actual stress I felt. I remember the fact that I was stressed, but I don't really remember how it felt to be stressed.

Clinically, I've gained some strides. I've successfully drawn blood 4 times now and have been unsuccessful once. That unsuccessful blood draw did take a minor toll on me, but a successful PAP Smear later that day helped me get over it. I've also done a digital rectal exam and breast exam. Since academics aren't what worries me, it's the clinical stuff. Because this is the stuff that really matters. I've decided to apply to become a co-director at Paul Hom Asian Clinic, and I'm excited to challenge myself and to learn so much. But I'm a little nervous about the responsibility. I'm proud that I'm not letting my nerves hold me back. I can't be afraid anymore. I'm going to be a fucking doctor.

There's not much else to say, even though there's so much I could write about. I'll try to update more often with various anecdotes and experiences in medical school. My life is really exciting, and I'm in a place in my life where I feel so blessed and appreciative of everything. I'm working towards a definite goal and it feels great.

2010-10-31T15:33:00.000-07:00

I wanted to sleepover at my cousin’s house. If I could avoid sleeping at my grandma’s house, I wanted to. I wanted to avoid the space I remember her most. And I wanted to avoid the emptiness she left behind. But my mom told me that she didn’t want to bother my sick aunt, so we’re sleeping at grandma’s. I didn’t resist it, I accepted it maturely. David lived in his grandpa’s former room and his house for years, I knew it would be doable.

And it was. Just being in the house I know so well and with family I know so well but haven’t seen since her passing was so…nice. I forgot how much I enjoyed just being in my family’s presence, just hanging out. I haven’t enjoyed that in awhile. Her hospital bed was still in her and Helen’s bedroom. But the empty bed didn’t make me sad; I felt okay. In the living room, they had her picture in a frame with incense. Boy, did reality sink in for me. That picture was all that I had left to always remember her face. That picture will be with us for the rest of our lives, but grandma won’t be anymore. She’s an ancestor now, and we’re praying to her now.
The next morning, the first day of the funeral, David and I woke up to loud conversations in the living room, which sounded to David like arguing. But it was definitely not arguing, it’s just the way my family converses. That morning was pretty stressful: running errands in a time crunch, having to take my dad to his mistress’ house because he forgot his fucking shoes, finding out my dad physically threatened my mom because she wanted to cut him off of car insurance. David could tell you I went crazy, probably crazier than he’s ever seen me. But whatever, it was finally time for the funeral and everyone just shut up.

Even considering the circumstances, it was still so nice spending time with family. I only see certain cousins a few times a year and I had fun hanging out with them for 2 days. Even at a funeral, several of them congratulated me about my acceptance to medical school.
Overall, the funeral consisted of a Taoist ceremony and a Buddhist ceremony. The Taoist ceremony was free and over a dozen members of the Lord of the Universe Church came to participate. According to my dad, there would have been twice as much if my youngest uncle didn’t have beef with the church. The Buddhist ceremony cost $1200 and we paid for police escort to Rose Hills. My family dropped at least $12,000 on the whole affair. Nothing but the best for her.
Unfortunately, it’s October 4, 2010 as I write this and her funeral was on August 13th and 14th. I will try to remember as best I can.

Both the Taoist and Buddhist chanting lasted extensive amounts of time. But the Buddhist chanting consisted of the immediate family kneeling during most of it. It was strenuous; there was one section of chanting that lasted at least 30 minutes straight. Most of us ended up off our knees after a few minutes. But my oldest uncle (bak fu), stayed erect on his knees the whole time. Then the monks led us in a walk around the funeral hall where we walked pass the open casket for the first time. That was tough; many of the cousins cried, especially Helen. We walked around it a second time right after, and it was significantly less difficult. I think they do twice on purpose, to help you come to terms. Though the chanting was exhaustive, the tone, the rhythm, the continuity was entrancing. The deep tones penetrated me and it allowed for self-reflection, to be alone with my thoughts and memories of her.

It was a 2-day funeral, so before we left on the first day, the funeral director had us tell her, “grandma, we’re leaving early now, but we’ll be back early tomorrow morning to see you.”
On the second day, we burnt the paper. Even though in college I was taught that Buddhism believed in reincarnation, my family obviously doesn’t. I guess you can call it “heaven.” But we burnt lots of paper money, I’d say at least $1000. And the following paper products: 2-story house complete with fridge, fan, chairs and balcony, Mercedes with a chauffer (perfect because my grandma never drove), 2 servants, gold and silver mountains (so she can have a view of everything), a bridge (so she can go anywhere), and lastly a very beautifully decorated box that contained whatever our imagine wanted to (e.g., credit cards).

Stacy gave a wonderful speech, which was the only portion of the funeral I understood. Everything was in Mandarin of course. She talked about how the one thing grandma wished was to be able to give money to all her grandchildren. That made me sob.

The funeral procession was cool, worth the $400 or so. Our heads were lowered as the casket went into the ground. Then we all put flowers over her casket. That’s when I saw Raymond cry for the first time. And Pam was so compassionate to everyone. I had to jet out of there with the rest of the elders because big aunt freaked out and thought I needed to drive her when I really didn’t. So I missed what happened next at Rose Hills, but I got to go the temple with the elders where my grandma’s name will be posted forever.

Overall, it was a wonderful experience. It was interesting and elaborate. As superficial as it sounds, I’m happy that so much money was spent on her. Not just by my family, but friends bought huge flower displays that cost at least $100-200. I loved feeling close to Buddhism again, and of course just bonding with family. As little as I see them or talk to them, family bonds are amazing. I thought the timing of everything would make grieving hard as I started medical school and anatomy lab. But I think the timing was perfect for me. It was easier for me that she passed away after I left for medical school, it was easier for me to deal with death in general with my grandma’s passing and anatomy lab. I really have this new understanding and acceptance of death. Death makes life worth living.

2010-07-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

This a very odd time in my life right now, in that I've never been so happy with life and so optimistic about my future, but at the same time I'm approaching the saddest event I will have ever experienced up to this point in my life.

As I near the end of orientation, I am so confident and pleased that UC Davis is the perfect school for me. One week ago, I still doubted my ability to be a doctor, I still couldn't imagine myself as a doctor. But now, I am very confident that I will be successful and UC Davis will give me the support I need. I know it will be stressful and difficult, but I know it's going to be wonderful. I am in love with my "big sib" who is so bubbly, nurturing, and very involved. She is the perfect mentor for me. I don't have to worry about being mistreated here because UC Davis is the first to have a policy on mistreatment, and they have made great effort in making us feel comfortable to report mistreatment. I didn't approach my professors much as an undergrad, but they're so approachable and supportive here.

However, as I go through each day of orientation, my grandma's condition worsens with each day. She will pass away soon, and I'm preparing myself by expecting it. Every time I receive a text from Connie or Annie, I anticipate that it will be the ultimate news. It hasn't happened yet. And when it does, I will be devastated. I wish her passing didn't have to be this way - full of pain and fear. I wish she would find peace, I wish she wasn't in pain. And coincidentally, there were several times throughout orientation where the staff mentioned "death in the family" and all the support and accommodations available to me in case of this.

I haven't got the ultimate news. But I got the warning call. Helen was crying. I never see or hear her cry. It makes me so sad. I hope she can be strong enough, but my grandma was her everything. My grandma wanted her and loved her when our own parents didn't.

Two weeks ago I visited my grandma and she was in a better state. She recognized me and seemed to understand that I was going to medical school to become a doctor. When I told her, she stared at me and smiled for several seconds. She couldn't talk because dialysis dries out her voice. But she looked at me, really looked at me, and smiled so sincerely. I am so happy to have that memory of her. I know I was one of her favorite grandchildren after Helen of course. Oh my goodness, I'm already using past tense.

2010-06-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

Some time in the past month, I should have posted a blog about coming to terms with not getting into medical school this year and having to apply again this year. About how I'm confident I'll get into military medical school next year and I'll choose Indian Health Service instead of the Navy so I won't have to be deployed or relocated. About how I'll have a raise and a lot of hours at my work so I'll finally be able to pay off my credit card debt. About how I'm bummed that I would have taken 3 years off after graduating and that's 3/4 of medical school. About how I'm a little bummed because that's another year I have to put off having children (not that I want children yet, but I want to have them at a younger age rather than an older age), but I'm constantly reminding myself that I'm only 22, so it ain't so bad. About how after realizing that I'm still young, the only main thing I'm really, really not looking forward to is just filling out that damn application again. About how I haven't grown or done anything special in this past year and that it will show in my application.

I never wrote that blog.

I also never submitted my application for this year's cycle. I was waiting for my paycheck so I can pay for the $500+ cost (last year it was nearly $800, but I chose more wisely this time around). I was also waiting to make sure that I got into an EMT class at Santa Ana College. I wanted to take that class so I could beef up my application this year. So I didn't want to submit my application until I knew if I could include that or not because I was on the waitlist. Well the class started 2 days ago, and I didn't get a spot.

Then yesterday, I got a voicemail during work. I checked it after work and it was the Director of Admissions at UC Davis School of Medicine. "There has been a change to the status of your application." I got excited. They don't call you to tell you that you've been rejected from the waitlist (oh yeah, I found out earlier this month that I'm on the waitlist for UC Davis, didn't have much hope so I barely told anyone), they only call you if you've been accepted off the waitlist. But I didn't want to get to excited until I was sure and I called them back at 6:30pm, so I wouldn't know until the next day. I really did put up a mental block from believing that I'm accepted. I even forgot about the phone call. I continued thinking about new apartments for me and David in Orange County (we were planning on moving into our own place together). So with that mental block, I didn't know who would be calling at 8:10 in the morning...

..then I saw area code 916. I quickly perked up, "Good morning!" Then the director says his greetings..."How would you like to go to medical school?" I teared up by the end of the phone call. Then full-on cried after I hung up. David was hugging me and smiling the whole time.

It still hasn't fully processed yet. I somehow miraculously need to move up there by July 26th. I can't believe this is happening. Thank you to everyone who believed in me - wow, I've heard that line a million times before, but it's so resounding. People believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. This is fucking happening!

2010-05-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

The problem with keeping a blog is that I have to feel like blogging. And if I don't feel like blogging, I don't. And if I don't blog, then the feelings I felt at any certain time slowly become more and more vague. And it's unfortunate, because I want to remember how I felt exactly...but vaguely remembering will have to do.

On Easter, I get a text from my sister Connie that my grandma's in the hospital and it's serious. I go to visit my grandma in the hospital the next day and she was the most vibrant and awake I have seen her in the past 2 years. She recognized me, she was talkative, and she was very aware of what was going on. She randomly gave me advice on borrowing money and told Connie stories of how she didn't want to give any of her money to the Viet Cong. The doctor told our family she had one week to live. Her colon had been infected beyond repair and she wouldn't survive surgery. So all we can do is wait. When I heard that she had one week to live, the news didn't process. I didn't understand that my grandma was only going to be alive for one more week and I also didn't believe it. Well my instincts served me right. She's still alive today, but we're still waiting. It's been over a month since we were told she had one more week, so I don't know exactly what we're waiting for. Well maybe I do know and I just can't say it. Funeral plans have been discussed already.

I'm trying to express my emotions here, but it's difficult. I haven't seen her in nearly 3 weeks, I must see her this weekend. It's hard to see her in pain. I want so much to help her, but there's nothing I can do. All I can do is visit her and I definitely will this weekend. Though it's selfish, I like that I live an hour away from my family. The pain is easier to deal with, easier to ignore. But I'm ashamed that I've ignored it too much. My older sister Helen is my grandma's caretaker. And though she hasn't achieved success in her life in the traditional sense, caring for my grandma makes her a much stronger person than I am.

2010-03-05T08:51:00.000-08:00

This morning, I admitted something out loud to myself, and that's when I really felt it.

I'm scared.

Previously, I've quickly brushed off any thoughts about possibly not getting into USUHS (Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences aka military medical school). I replaced those thoughts with thoughts of my life in DC, me and David's move across America, and just finally being a medical student. I also replaced those negative thoughts with exercise, preparing myself to pass the physical training tests I'll have to undergo as a military medical student (run 2 miles, push-ups, and sit-ups).

And I think all the positive thinking worked. I received the letter last Friday (2/26), it was dated 2/19. It said that I've been "recommended for acceptance," BUT "there are no spots available at this time." So I'm on the wait list. I actually should have known this was coming because I put the Navy as my first choice and they told us Navy was already full the day I interviewed. I regret not having chosen a different branch and I regret not going to my original interview in November. Oh fucking well, I need to stop dwelling.

So now I wait and pray. I haven't been accepted by any of the schools I interviewed with, and that is why I'm scared. I haven't been rejected either at least. But I'm really scared. I don't want to wait another year to start my medical career. I've already been out of school 2 years, I'm done waiting. Whispering out loud to myself this morning "I'm scared" almost made me cry. But I'm fine now. Now it's just back to waiting and trying not to stress.

2010-02-27T18:15:00.000-08:00

"Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss."

David said that to me this morning before I left for work. Until he told me, I didn't even know those were lyrics from the Jason Mraz/Colbie Cailat song "Lucky." And we are so lucky. On his end, he never had a real girlfriend/relationship before he met me at the age of 23. On my end, I've never been in a relationship with someone who has become my best friend and from whom I don't have to hide anything. In a very major way, he has changed me for the better. I wasn't sure I could be monogamous before. I always wanted to get married, but I wasn't sure I wouldn't cheat. Though cheating is a choice, it is a choice I felt I was bound to make based on how I thought of myself and other men. But David's changed that. I don't want the attention of other men anymore. David is a great catch, and since he's my boyfriend, that makes me a great catch. The moment I met him, I told him, "you're cute; you are so cute." And now he's my boyfriend living with me? We are so lucky.

2010-02-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

I'm really upset right now. And I don't know what else to do but blog. I almost want to cry. One of my best friends says I'm not taking Lent that seriously. And it makes me want to scream. You either cheat or you don't, and I have not fucking cheated. The fucking end. How the fuck am I not taking Lent seriously?

I feel I have changed drastically since Lent started. I jogged a mile without walking for the first time in my life...2 days in a row! I plan to make it 3 days in a row tonight. I'm absolutely positive that my willpower and determination when jogging that mile has to do with my strength in sticking to vegetarianism.

To be fair, this is what my best friend was referring to: my cousin's birthday party was last Saturday and I was starving. ALL the warm food had meat in it except corn on the cob. Pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, shrimp pasta. So I picked out all the meat and gave it to David. For my lent, I didn't want to eat food with meat in it (even chicken broth), but it wasn't a steadfast rule. It was more of a personal choice when I go grocery shopping or order at a restaurant. I know a real vegetarian would have just eaten the corn on the cob. But I'm not claiming to be a vegetarian, I fully admit that I will eat meat again. My best friend might also be referring to the "veggie omelette" I ordered at Norm's that somehow ended up with bacon and sausage in it. That was so not my fault and not even worth mentioning here.

Okay, I've calmed down now. To be even more fair, I don't think I've talked to this friend about how Lent has changed me and how serious I am about it. Now I will.

2010-02-20T14:45:00.000-08:00

I did not think that giving up meat would be this easy. It's only day 4, but I'm doing just fine. I'm impressed with my will-power and self-control. I smelled freshly-cooked bacon this morning, and I had no urge to grab a piece.

It's only day 4, but I already feel like Lent is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I haven't really figured out if I believe in God, so I don't feel closer to God, but I feel closer to myself...if that makes sense. I kinda feel like I can do anything I want to do, like I'm deserving of my achievements - past and future. I feel like I'm becoming the person I want to be.

I already like myself in a lot of ways. But there are a lot of things I don't like about me, and I'm not talking about external characteristics or things I can't control. The things I don't like about me are qualities I can control. I wish I were more assertive. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I wish I were more diligent in my study and work. I wish I wasn't so envious. I think if I did Lent a couple years ago, I would have had a much better GPA and MCAT score.

But life happens as it happens, and now I just need to focus all my positive energy on getting accepted into military medical school. I will be a great asset to their student body, and I would be proud to be a physician treating soldiers and their families.

2010-02-17T16:58:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of Lent. I'm not Catholic, I'm not even Christian. But I do have a desire to test myself only temporarily. So the 40 days of Lent is already set up for me, and all I have to do is follow it. I've been talking about it for a month or so now, and I love that I've inspired my friends to participate with me. Lilian is giving up eating out for lunch when at work. Tiffany is giving up chips. And David is giving up soda.

Oh yeah, and I'm giving up meat. Meat as in beef, pork, poultry, and seafood. But I'll still eat eggs and dairy products. Usually for Lent, you're supposed to give up something that you do a lot of and find pleasure in. While I do eat meat everyday and find pleasure in it, there are much worse things I could (should?) have given up. Well, I have one thing in mind, and if you know me, you know what it is (or you can ask). So I'm not challenging myself as much as I could, but this will be a challenge nonetheless.

I chose meat mainly for environmental reasons. I don't know all the facts, but I know the production of meat and seafood adversely affects our world. Another small reason is the Buddhist inside of me, isn't that ironic considering this is a Catholic holiday?

I'm not even through day one yet, but I'm confident I won't have an infraction. I've told too many people to embarrass myself by failing!

2010-02-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, my mentee and I hung out with one of my friends. My friend pointed out how my mentee continuously referenced me, like seeking my approval or just my reaction. She really looks up to me.

Her name is Jenny also. David and I call her Little Jenny. And like me, she's smart and the youngest in her family. I see a lot of me in her when I was her age. Like wanting to show how smart I am and priding myself on being right. Oh wait, that's me today. Haha. She's talked about how people in her family have used poor grammar and made-up words like "funner." I didn't know "funner" wasn't a word until high school! I'm not the only one who sees our similarities, David sees it too. He said he especially saw me in her after this conversation:

Little Jenny and I were talking about a cross street in Santa Ana that we both know.

Little Jenny: Is there a Del Taco there?

Me: yes

Little Jenny: Is there a liquor store there?

Me: yes

Little Jenny: Then I'm right.

Am I that self-righteous?! Haha, I tend to be. But in my and little Jenny's defense, it's because we ARE right. Haha. I think it's great that she has as much confidence as she does considering the circumstances.

2010-01-18T14:31:00.001-08:00

I don't really have any regrets in my life. I've made a lot of mistakes, but none of them haunt me anymore. I've moved on, or I'm still moving on.

But at this moment, my one regret is this: I was invited to interview at military medical school on November 19th, 2009, and I pushed it back to January 7th, 2010. Medical school uses rolling admissions; this means the earlier you interview, the earlier you're accepted, and the slots continue to fill.

I pushed it back because the military was not my first choice, and I already had another interview in November and didn't want to request more days off work in the same month.

Then I went to the interview and how my mind has changed. I want to be accepted into military medical school so bad. I don't remember the last time I wanted anything this bad.

So military medical school is free tuition plus $55,000 salary per year. Instead of borrowing $200,000 for 4 years, I'll be MAKING that much. I'm already in a lot of debt and I hate it. So I hate even more the idea of being in debt for the next 10+ years.

I have come to terms with most of the cons (I say most, because I'm sure I don't know the whole story), and some of them have even become pros. After residency, I would have a 7-year commitment as an active duty officer. I could be deployed overseas, which could last from 4-15 months. Then after I come back from deployment, I'd be at the bottom of the list to be deployed again. They could station me wherever they need me, meaning my family would have to move around. On my flight to DC (where the medical school is), I met a nurse whose husband was in the Air Force. And she told me how her kids turned out great and well-adjusted. The 7-year commitment and my 3 years of residency go towards my retirement, and I can retire after 20 years! I'd be 46.

I've always wanted to be a physician who served the community. But with six-figure student loans, it's unlikely I'd be able to do that. With the military, I'd be serving troops and their families, and wouldn't have to worry about loans. And if I can retire at 46, then I can serve in community clinics.

If I were single and not really interested in having kids before 30, then the military wouldn't sound so appealing. But David and I are headed in the direction of marriage, and we both want kids before 30. The military is so family friendly, and married people are the majority at military medical school. I'd miss my family and Southern California, but I get 30 days of leave per year (not including holidays) so I'd visit all the time.

Wish me luck!

2010-01-02T19:08:00.001-08:00

2009 Year In Review

2009 was the year of falling madly in love with David and medical school applications.

January

Met David at approximately 1:30am

March

Bought our dog Tao for $299. She's named after the place David and I met.

April

David bought his car: 1993 240 SX we named Genevieve

May

I took my MCAT and scored a 28. I had told myself that I would become a teacher if I scored anything less than 28...maybe it's a sign.

David and I take our first trip together to San Francisco.

June

My nephew Collin Noah Gee was born.

August

David and I move in together.

September

I get invited to my first medical school interview with UC Davis! Then I yell at David for the first time for not coming home to me as soon as I told him the news. His excuse was that he had to pick up his dad because his car broke down. Excuses, excuses!

I meet the VIP that will help me get into medical school. APSA has finally paid off!

October

I go to Sacramento for the first time for my first medical school interview at UC Davis.

My maternal grandmother turns 71! We go to Winnipeg (Canada) to celebrate, my first time back in over 10 years.

November

I interview in Las Vegas for the University of Nevada School of Medicine.

I turn 22. David and I go hiking at Griffith Park, and my bestest friends join me for dinner at Buca di Beppo.

2010-01-02T15:31:00.001-08:00

So I'm a mentor to a 7-year old girl whose father was in prison. I asked her if she wanted to go to college, and she said no! She had previously told me she wanted to be a nurse, so I told her today that you have to go to college to be a nurse. And she said, "I don't want to be a nurse then." Aiyah! She's smart in the sense that she said that she's only in second grade and will learn more when she gets older. But good schooling starts now!

2009-12-30T17:28:00.001-08:00

I don't post in my blog that often because I write for other people. What I mean by that is I write things I think people will find interesting...and my life's not that interesting.

But I've decided today that I will keep this blog for myself. A lot of thoughts float through my brain throughout the day (thanks to the stimulation of NPR), and I used to reserve those for facebook status updates. But I'm much too deep to limit my thoughts to the confines of a facebook status.

Today, I'm going to write about the new movie An Education. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1174732/

I didn't watch the movie, and probably won't. But it's about a girl who is in her last year of high school (so I'm assuming 17) and her friendship-turned-romance with a man twice her age. And I kid you not, their names are Jenny and David.

As I told my friend Lilian, I don't want to watch this movie because I've lived this movie. And I don't like to be reminded of my past mistakes, because honestly, I find them disgusting. I made so many mistakes while growing up. Not only were there decisions I wish I hadn't made, but I was a person I wish I wasn't. Of course, my unhappy past has shaped who I am today, and to be completely frank, I really like how I turned out. The point is I'm embarrassed to tell you that I started meeting guys off the internet at 12 and only became monogamous this past year. But I should only be embarrassed if I were still that person. And I'm so not. I was a teenager (and pre-teenager) with low self-esteem who sought validation from boys...and men.

2009-12-24T11:21:00.000-08:00

I have this superiority complex where I think my relationship with David is the best relationship ever and the standard all my friends should live by (or try to live up to). Of course the tiny logical part of me keeps me from saying this out loud and explicitly, but I do hint at it and give examples of how happy we are. But I'm an adult, and I know this isn't right. I know that all relationships are different and they make it work the way they want to make it work...and I accept that not all my girlfriends want what I want in a boyfriend.

David and I both have our flaws. But we're both really happy because we strive to make each other happy. I think my superiority complex stems from my girlfriends who talk about their boyfriends not giving them what they want - emotionally and financially. Emotionally, David has given his all to me, we both want the same things for our relationship. Financially, we live together, and when you're already at that level of commitment, there should be no financial secrets. He can't provide me with a lot, but he's completely transparent with his spending. I know when he's over-spending and we discuss it. Just because we live together doesn't mean we split everything in half. I give more because I have more to give, and I know he would do the same when the tables are turned.

I have to force myself to hold my tongue when it comes to my friends. If they want to be in that relationship, it is their choice. While the superiority complex part of me says, "but don't they want what I have?" But David and I have a very specific relationship that works for us. When I'm a baby, he babies me. I have more life experience, more income, and more education - which puts me in the position of teacher in our relationship. I definitely get that not everyone wants that.

I've been mad at him, and I've raised my voice. But my sweet, sweet man has never raised his voice at me, which means we still haven't fought. I've heard that fighting is good for relationships because it means you're communicating. I beg to differ. Couples should communicate before the fighting begins.

Right now as I type this, our loving dog Tao is curled up in my lap. Getting a dog together as a couple really does resemble having a child together. There's a deep bond between the three of us that would be very difficult to break. Plus, we named her after where David and I met (Together As One).

2009-12-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

Tally of interviews, rejections, and a special third category as of today

Interviews
UC Davis
University of Nevada (Reno)
Uniformed Services University of Health Sciences (Military medical school)
University of Central Florida (Orlando)
UC Irvine (tentative)

Rejections
University of Hawai'i
Georgetown University (Washington D.C.)
Boston University
UC San Francisco
UCLA
Tulane University (New Orleans)

Continue to be reviewed
Penn State
George Washington University (Washington D.C.)

I'm still waiting to be invited by UC Irvine for an interview, but a very important birdie is definitely making it happen. The only rejection that really bummed me out is UCSF, it's a very prestigious school that I hoped to attend. Hawaii was disappointing but expected. What's funny is that UCLA was my dream medical school for most of college, but I'd actually rather avoid living in the craziness of LA.

University of Central Florida called me for an interview. The medical school only has first-year students right now, and I would be in the second class if I go there. But I've decided to think back in the mindset of "I'll go anywhere if it means not taking another year off."

2009-11-15T13:11:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about it for a couple years now. I was about to do it last year, but my dad wouldn't draw it for me. So I decided against it, it wasn't a justifiable need. It was just a want that I couldn't really explain. I couldn't answer the question: "Why do I want a tattoo?" And this week, after seeing a billboard for a tattoo festival in OC, I asked, "Why not?"

So it's my last name in Chinese. It's similar to the Chinese character for "horse" so I was able to use google images to get the calligraphy effect I wanted, and then just had the tattoo artist add the two extra strokes on the left side. It cost $60 and it didn't hurt that bad. I was hugging David the whole time (all 10-15 minutes) and that helped with the pain. My head was turned to the left mostly away from the tattoo gun, but when I turned my head to the right and was able to see the gun, the pain was much worse. I did cry, I admit, but it wasn't solely from the pain. The pain opened the tear ducts, but the tears flowed from my love for David. It felt so nice holding him, and digging my nail into him when the pain was at its worst.

My sister's first tattoo was this as well, so I got the idea from her. It's the best tattoo I could get with the question "Why do I want a tattoo?" It would be harder for me to defend a lotus flower or whatnot. But my family's name will always be my family's name. And I think my other cousins are going to get this tattoo also...and that'll just be rad. Like the Phung/Fung clan. I eventually want to get my whole Chinese name continuing below my current one. It'll be hot.

2009-11-03T14:24:00.000-08:00

I've never been as relaxed at any point in my life as I am now. I'm only working 27 hours a week (money's tight, but I'll be fine). I don't have midterms or finals. I already took my MCAT. My primary application for medical schools is submitted. My secondary applications have been submitted. All my letters of recommendation are completed.

I have a lot of time on my hands. I haven't had free time since I started college. Not like I do now. I find myself on the internet a lot or watching a lot of TV. And it's nice.

But now the question arises...could I be doing more? Am I happy with inactivity?

The answer is no. I'm not happy living a life just for me...only concerned about money and medical school and my boyfriend.

I decided to volunteer as a mentor to a child with a parent in prison. I've been interested in this program since my first year at UCI, but never got around to it. Now I have the time and no excuse. What's special about this activity compared to all my activities in college is that it's not going on my medical school application, because that's already been sent in. This is one of my first truly selfless acts. Well, is anything truly selfless? I'll leave that up to Cordell to analyze. http://makingsenseofall.blogspot.com/

2009-10-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a confrontation with a friend in a very long time. And I just had one with one of my best friends. The argument was through AIM and my heart was pounding the whole time while keeping my cool. I didn't blow up, all my statements and responses were calm, even though this is AIM. I hoped that she would feel my calm, and understand I didn't want to fight with her.

I fight with my sister all the time knowing we'll get over it eventually. But it's different with friends. It's not as easy to act like nothing happened. The issue has to be addressed. And my friend just addressed it. She said we're like sisters, we bicker, and we get over it. I've had trouble in the past thinking of my friends as sisters. But after my friend's comment...it feels right now.

I don't have many friends. I just have a few best friends. And they're so great, so special. They're people I feel privileged to know, nonetheless have as my best friend.

2009-10-18T10:11:00.000-07:00

My first medical school interview

So I've been to SF a few times, and you know how you take the 5 to the 152? Well, this time I was going to Sacramento, and all you have to do is just take the 5...all...the...way. So when we past the 152, I said to David, "Whoa, I've never been past the 152 before." And that's when I realized that I was getting closer and closer to Sacramento...closer and closer to my first medical school interview. Boy, was I nervous. My heart was pounding so hard that I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my head. And this was just while driving on the 5. To calm my nerves I thought about that VIP I mentioned a few posts ago. He told me to believe in myself. Words that we hear all the time, but they have so much more meaning coming from him. And I also thought about my mom, and how I need to become a doctor for her. Then Jason Mraz's "Make It Mine" came on to remind me that everything I want is mine to take.

Listen to your voice
The one that tells you
To taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap in; the net will appear

I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

My heart didn't pound so loudly again. Luckily both my interviewers were really nice, which put me at ease. My faculty interviewer is a pediatrician. I thought, "Score, we both relate to working with children and their patients." And I think it helped. He was able to draw a conclusion about me that I want to influence policy as a physician. Then he warned me that my priorities might change as time passes, as in my patients will become my priority. That is why there are so few politically active physicians. At the end of the interview he added, "I just want to let you know that conservatives do care." I'm afraid that implies he is a conservative, but he found my opinions interesting nonetheless.

The student interview was a breeze. He was a progressive Latino, and I told him I'm all about social consciousness and diversity.

UC Davis seems like a great medical school. The whole school is all about supporting each other and social responsibility. And the school itself is next to the medical center, unlike UCI. If I don't feel the same sense of camaraderie and pride at the UCI interview, then I'll seriously weigh the convenience of UCI to the greatness of UC Davis. I haven't been invited for an interview at UCI yet...but I likely will. It would be so convenient if I get to stay in Irvine with David, but we'll see.

2009-10-09T14:45:00.000-07:00

O Canada

Last week I went to visit family in Winnipeg, the capital of Manitoba, a province in the great country of Canada. It has been 11 years since I last visited Winnipeg, and 3 years since I last saw that side of my family. There were a lot of new cousins I had never met before. There were at least 50 family members, who are all relatively close. I love having such a huge family. I couldn't find the words or the reason to express why I love it. I said, "it's like you never run out." And my sister laughed at me. But I almost mean it literally. In this recession, hearing about all these people being laid off and losing their homes, family is the only thing keeping you from being homeless, because unemployment benefits only last 6 months. It's not like I'm anywhere close to being in such a situation. But if you have a small family, and they're all unemployed...then what?

So we went to Canada for my maternal grandmother's 71st birthday (I know, it's a random age). She was so happy the whole weekend...literally hundreds of people gathered for her. I was only there for 4 days, and didn't get much chance to talk to her. But on the night before I left, she pulled me aside, and we had a deep 10-minute conversation. She did most of the talking, as if she wanted to teach me 21 years worth of wisdom to make up for the fact we only see each other a few times a decade. She reminded me of several things that I have chosen to forgotten. She told me how important family is, and to never let arguing keep us apart. I hear a lot about white people and how they don't speak to their family members anymore because of some falling out. I think that's what she was referring to...how she isn't estranged from anyone in her family. She told me how she helps out her family wherever she can, even relatives from her late husband's side in Vietnam.

Then she addressed the anger issue. Somehow, though she barely ever sees me, she knows how angry I get with one of my sisters. She told me that when I feel the anger rising inside me to hold it in, shut my mouth...and then the anger will subside. She said that if I speak out of anger, I will regret what I say, and I won't be able to take those words back. She was reasonable at the same time; she wasn't telling me to be a doormat. She said if my sister is truly wrong, I should address it at a later time when my anger has subsided. Common sense...but I needed to be reminded.

Lastly, she talked to me about how I treat my other sister. "You can give her money, and she'll be happy for a little bit, but if you yell at her, the pain will last forever." The giving her money part might be referring to the fact that I plan on taking care of her when I'm older. I talk down to her out of annoyance...but her cognition level is what it is, and I need to be more patient about it.

I cried when I left for the airport. That side of my family is so fun, I miss them terribly. I definitely want to visit more frequently. Fin.

2009-09-06T14:07:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago, around the time I was completing most of my secondary applications, I couldn't imagine myself going to medical school and becoming a doctor. Not that it's not what I want, but I couldn't imagine it in the sense that it didn't feel real, like it wasn't going to happen. I think it's because I'm a realist/pessimist, and I think that's because I don't have huge self-confidence. My GPA's not great, my MCAT score's not great, and some schools have as little as 1% acceptance rate. I was filling out secondaries and shelling out hundreds of dollars for them just because I knew I should. I wasn't going to give up now. At least I tried.

Then when I received a personal e-mail from the University of Nevada Reno asking for a secondary, I looked up the statistics. They interview everyone who applies, and in 2008, they admitted 1 in 3. I felt a little bit more confident. I have a good chance of getting in somewhere, and an interview will be my chance to shine.

Then one of the most unbelievable moments of my life occurred this past week. I open my e-mail inbox and the sender is UC Davis, and the subject line read: Applicant Congratulation Email. I started saying, "no way, no way." As I zipped through the first sentence of the email, I spotted the words, "invite...interview." I started panting, gasping for air. Even my roommate came in to check on me. Reliving the moment in this blog even makes my heart race. Again, I looked up the statistics. In 2008, 3700 applied, 470 got interviews. I am one of the 470! Me?! It's my chance to shine!

Then yesterday, I met someone who might just change my life forever. I won't say his name, but he is a very important person. He's retired now, but he has all the influence he had when he was working for UC Irvine. His influence exceeds UC Irvine though, I think he has influence everywhere. The schools Drexel and UCLA came up in our conversation. I can't be too specific about our encounter or else it'll give away his identity. But he's expecting a call from me to arrange for us to discuss my future in more detail. He wants my MCAT score, list of all the schools I applied to, and my personal statement. He has a 100% track record in getting students into medical school. There hasn't been that many students, but that makes this experience all the more special. He's going to take me under his wing. How privileged am I.

So now I am more excited about medical school than I have ever been. Excited because it's possible. It never seemed that possible before. I want this now more than I have ever wanted it before. I want it because it's in my reach, and I will do whatever he tells me to do so I can reach it.

And in return, he asks me to bake him an apple pie from scratch independently. No problem, sir. It'll be the best applie pie you have ever tasted.

2009-08-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

I'm just on a blog frenzy. I forgot that I wanted to write about my parents and their entertaining ways.

My mom said to David, "did you lose weight?" And then she asked, "do I look like I lost weight?" And of course David said yes. And my mom stood up from her chair (we were at a restaurant), and did a curtsy. A CURTSY! I love it!

There was a large Latino man bouncing in his car with hydraulics. My dad cracked up for a few seconds, and when he was able to catch his breath, said in English, "I like it." Then a few moments later, he clarifies "I don't like the car, I like the fat guy." No homosexual undertones, I think he just found him amusing. Then on our way up to Vegas, he asks if I have Michael Jackson. And I tell him no. And he says something about how that's good music and kinda sings the words "beat it."

It's been a very long time since I spent quality time with either of my parents. I don't know how I'm going to tell them I'm moving in with David. They're not going to like it. I plan on telling them how I'll be saving money, which is the main reason. But I already know they're going to say, "I'll pay for your rent!" Like they can afford it.

Life would be so much easier if they just let me do my own thing. Which they do for the most part. I told them that if I don't get into medical school, I want to become a teacher. And they reacted like it's the worst profession I could have chosen. What about the value of education? I do want to become a doctor though; I really want to live comfortably. Of course I'm not telling medical schools that. Ok I'm done blogging.

2009-08-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

I've completed and submitted 6 secondary applications so far. I deserve a pat on the back, and since no one's around, I'll do it myself. Haha. I should be working on my 7th one right now, but the essay has really stumped me, and I just feel like taking a break and blogging. The essay question is:

1. Describe a situation in which you were really stressed. Tell us how you dealt with it. Please detail your reaction(s), and how it affected you. If this situation, or a similar one, were to happen again, how would you handle it?

I'm having trouble with this question because I can't think of a stressful situation! I'm almost wondering if I should make one up. Maybe blogging will help me brainstorm. Okay, it hit me. I'll write about the incident I wrote about in my last blog about my student scratching me. Maybe. Yeah, okay. Sounds good.

Now that's taken care of I guess I'll write about my boyfriend. His name is David Andrew Payne and we've been together for over 7 months, and I'll be moving in with him very soon. He's a very sweet and very cute guy who is constantly trying to please me. I'm his first real girlfriend and he tries his best not to do anything that will cause me to leave him. Our silly, cutesy personalities mesh together so well; it's nauseating to some people. We are still excited to see each other every time we're apart. It's been 7 months but we're as giddy as we were in our first month of dating.

When we first started dating, I had to do some soul searching. I felt like I owed it to Asian men to marry one. Like I shouldn't be one of those Asian girls who have been brainwashed by the media into thinking Asian men aren't attractive. He also never had sushi or pho before, and doesn't take his shoes off in the house, and didn't use chopsticks very well. But he was open to all of it. I don't know if I'm brainwashed by the media, but I got over it. He's open-minded and supports me in my Asian American activities. I've taken him to Kollaboration, APAAC, and Sketch Comedy Show for crying out loud. I've come to terms with it: I'm in love with a white guy. Now all I seriously think about is if our children will be the good-looking hapas or the not-so-good-looking hapas.

2009-06-19T11:07:00.000-07:00

I've been working as a behavior interventionist (I'm really just a tutor who has to deal with maladaptive behaviors) to children with autism for nearly 9 months now. While I've gotten annoyed/frustrated with certain students and their behaviors (like tantrums), I've never broken down. But last week, for the first time, I almost cried during a therapy session. It's this one student N who has limited language and communication skills, so she expresses her unhappiness by scratching me. This has been going on for about 6 months now, and it sucks, but I've always dealt with it pretty well. She scratches me for various reasons like not wanting to do unpreferred work or when I block access to desired toys. But last week, she attacked me because I cleared my throat. She has done it before, and I try to avoid clearing my throat. But naturally, when you want someone's attention, you clear your throat. So when I wanted her attention, I cleared my throat out of habit, and she got to me. We've been trying to think of strategies to prevent the scratching, and one strategy is to tell her to turn around and sit down (simple I know, but very very difficult). So last week I cleared my throat, she got up, and I yelled (yes yelled) at her to turn around and sit down. She didn't comply and settled for pulling my ponytail. A lump started forming in my throat, and I started tearing up. She came at me again for whatever reason and I was so disheartened that I let her scratch me and told her to sit down in a broken voice. Her mom was there and so was my supervisor. They were both cool about it: the mom said I'm allowed to clear my throat and my supervisor wasn't disappointed in me. I think I cried because I lost my cool and yelled, in front of her mom and my supervisor nonetheless. I kind of felt like a failure. I am often scared to come close to this child, and that is giving her the power. My yelling is also giving her the power, because she sees the influence she has on me and knows she doesn't have to comply. This is such a difficult case, and I hate that she sometimes has power over our therapy sessions. She is 6 with autism for goodness sake.

It's funny. A few months ago I realized I rarely have bad days at work. I can pinpoint 2 bad days and those were both parent-related. Whenever my boyfriend asks me how work was, I always say good. My job is pretty great. It's super rewarding and I feel very appreciated. Tantrums can be a little stressful, but I don't mind them too much, because I know I'm leaving after a couple hours. But this past situation with N was the first time a child caused me to have a bad day. I still love her and her family very much. I just want her to get over this behavior for my sake and hers. It's not like she can be an adult scratching people whenever they clear their throat.

I must mention that I do not have it nearly as bad as the other tutor who works with N. The other tutor has bled during session on several occasions, and I saw the scars. I respect that tutor so much because she's still positive and still loves N. And N's behaviors are at least three times worse with her for almost every session. We take data on how many times N has a behavior. I've gotten up to 11-15 for scratching on a bad day, and the other tutor has tallied up to over 30.

2009-01-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

Ok. I've been busy. This is my first night surfing the internet at my leisure in weeks. I've been meaning to write about this since January 1st, 2009.

So this past New Year's was the best of my life. And the countdown was probably one of the most memorable, powerful, inspirational 5 minutes of my life. So I was dancing to my heart's desire, loving Armin van Buuren, enjoying the music and the people and the positivity around me. Then I hear Obama's powerful voice penetrate through my mind and body: "TONIGHT, IT BELONGS TO YOU." I could have cried at that moment. Looking back on that moment now (sober, by the way), I almost want to cry. They repeated that line several times throughout the countdown. The actual line is: "But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you." It was from his victory speech in Chicago on November 4th, 2008, and there are no words that would have been more perfect for the occasion. Besides having campaigned for him and his victory really feeling like my victory, it was the night of New Year's Eve, and I was at a massive party with 50,000 other young people who have their whole lives ahead of them. Tonight really did belong to us.

Then I realized something. The 2008-2009 New Year will probably be the most important New Year in my life. 2008 was the historic Presidential race. And 2009 will be the beginning of the historic Presidency. In his one week in office, I am more proud of him than I have ever been. He is not letting America down. I am sublimely happy that he is living up to his word. This is history, baby. And we're living it.

Watch this video. It gives me chills. You only need to watch the first half to understand my amazement.

One of my close friends voiced their concern of my "morals." When she said she worried about my "morals," I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. At first, I thought "sex?" But no, she said raving. Before I look up the definition of morals, I define morals as your conscience and how you choose to treat others. A moral person is a good person, and an immoral person is a bad one. I think I am a freaking good person. If there is a heaven, I'm getting in. My personal life choices and what I choose to do with my own body does not make me an immoral person. Ok, dictionary.com's definition of morals: of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical. I guess it depends on what you and I consider to be right or wrong. Raving in and of itself is not wrong at all, it's just not meant for everybody. As for the rolling, I can't see how that is wrong either. It is illegal, yes. Dangerous, it can be. Artificial, yes. But wrong? No. I don't see how it is much different (in theory anyway) from alcohol. I know you read my blog, and it's something I wanted to address in my blog, so that is why I am not telling you this personally. You specifically said morals, and I am telling you, my morals are fine.

To all my friends and family who are concerned for my safety, I truly appreciate your concern. Raving is not adversely affecting my life. I am still Jenny. I am still as responsible as ever; I've even been studying for the MCAT more. I just do something occasionally for fun that's unconventional. Occasionally is the opportune word. I'm seriously not raving again until March.

Since it's January, I suppose it's time to check on my resolutions of last year. Oh dear.

1. Lose 20 pounds. Nope, didn't happen. But I didn't gain any weight either. Eek.

2. Graduate with at least a 3.5. WOOT! Go Jenny. I actually graduated with a UC GPA of 3.541 (doesn't include my 3.9 GPA from UNLV)! Barely made it, but I made it!

3. Get at least a 3.5 in my remaining Bio Classes. I got a 3.395. But hey, that's not bad! I don't think, anyway. That was my first time calculating that since I graduated...well ever.

4. Pass the CBEST. Not applicable.

I don't think I'll make resolutions this year. Because they're so damn obvious in my life right now. Study for the MCAT. Kill the MCAT. And maybe become a lead tutor at work, which is just a raise. Whatevs. No resolutions this year. Just be bomb diggity.

2008-12-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

This post is a little late, but what else is new. So my 21st birthday was my best birthday to date. It landed on a Saturday night, how perfect! I didn't want to make it a big deal so I decided to only spend it with super close friends (above picture). I had a great time. I got super drunk and wasn't hungover the following morning. At the club, a guy bought me a drink for the first time. On top of spending my 21st birthday with my closest friends and sister, I received more birthday love than I ever could have hoped for.

On Saturday, November 8th (my birthday) at 5pm, I check facebook for the first time that day. I had 18 new notifications, and they were all wall posts wishing me happy birthday. That blew me away already. Then throughout the day, I got nearly 10 text messages wishing me happy birthday. And the following morning, I had 30 new notifications. Add in all the belated birthday wishes and messages on AIM, over 60 people wished me happy birthday. That has never happened to me before in my life, not even close. I know it's facebook, and I know it's not that 60 people remembered my birthday. But 60 people took the time to truly make my birthday happy. Who cares if facebook told them it was my birthday? Honestly, out of all your hundreds of friends on facebook, do you say happy birthday to every birthday notification? I felt so loved on my birthday and for several days following. You like me, you really like me.

Looking back on my past 3 birthdays, I've been a lucky girl. On my 19th birthday, my wonderful roomie @ <3 Lilian surprised me with a trip to Six Flags, then surprised me with an old friend. I'm not used to surprises, so I felt really loved that she put so much effort into surprising me. And all I got her was The Little Mermaid on DVD for her birthday in October of that year. On my 20th birthday, it landed on Hot Umbrella Nights, which was also a fundraiser for my ASUCI election. So many of my friends came out clubbing that night. Around a dozen friends or so. I felt really special then too because it was my birthday and fundraiser, double whammy.

Before I turned 21, I said this would be the last birthday I celebrate because I'm obsessed with aging and whatnot. Now I'm saying I don't want to celebrate anymore because these past birthdays can't be topped and I don't feel a need to top them.

So thank you to everyone who has made my birthday(s) truly happy. It feels good to feel loved.

2008-11-05T13:02:00.000-08:00

I was in my living room with Tiffany and Lilian. We were talking about Jason Mraz because I had went to his concert the previous Saturday. I see Lil look at the TV and say something to the effect of, "What? He won?" And we all looked at the TV in confusion, he was only at 233 electoral votes when our Jason Mraz conversation started. Then it showed the crowd at Grant Park in Chicago cheering, and then we cheered too. I remember screaming and jumping up and down with Lilian and giving her a hug, and then giving Tiffany a hug. And then I screamed out of our door, "OBAMA!" I remember listening to McCain's concession speech and thinking, "this is the most I've ever respected him. What an honorable loser." Then after an intense 20-30 minutes or so, Obama finally arrives at Grant Park. And the announcer says, "Ladies and gentlemen, the next first family of the United States of America." And when that beautiful family of color walked out and I saw Barack Obama, I started bawling. Positively bawling. Barack Obama is going to be our president. I won't believe it until January 2009. And even then, it'll probably take a few months to sink in.

Though he didn't need Nevada's measly 5 electoral votes to win, I'm so happy that Nevada was blue! I took 2 trips there to campaign for Obama, so I'm glad those trips were useful.

I wonder what the next 4 years will look like...maybe the next 8?

2008-10-28T23:57:00.000-07:00

I <3 raves. Techno music is really good when it's pulsating through your body. I've been to 2 raves before (Together as One 2005 and The Love Festival 2008), but by far, Monster Massive was the best. I think it was because the first time I went to a rave I didn't appreciate techno music and its effects on the body when rolling. And I didn't roll at my second rave. So at Monster Massive, I rolled AND felt the music...it was positively orgasmic.

Gosh, I sound like I'm promoting drug-use. My little cousins have access to this blog. But in all honesty, everything is fine in moderation. I am not going to roll every week, I am not smoking weed everyday. Drugs are bad if they interfere with your life. But if you have the time to have fun, then I wouldn't say "absolutely don't do drugs." Just be smart and be safe and be real. I like rolling and raving, but I realistically only want to go to raves a couple times a year.

All that is besides the point. I want to describe my raving experience and why I love raves. So yes, most people there are on drugs. But you know what drugs do to people? They make them nice and friendly and fun. As hippie as it sounds, raves are about love. The acronym PLUR even stands for Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. And ravers personify PLUR. I know that the love and friendliness aren't completely authentic considering they're the result of drug use...but in the rave setting, it works and it feels good.

While I'm not telling you to do drugs, I do encourage you to go to a rave if you've never been. It's a trip. It's so surreal. It's like you're stepping into a whole new world...like a wonderland. A world where everyone is happy and their only job is to dance and socialize. It's easy to pin ravers as silly with their rave clothing and candy bracelets, but they're worth taking the time to understand. Then again, everyone is worth taking the time to understand.

2008-10-17T01:13:00.000-07:00

I have this tendency to put all my eggs into one basket, well most my eggs. There is one guy in my life right now that is worth investing in, or putting my eggs into his basket you might say. Let's call him Jack. A few days ago, I told my friend I'm putting a lot of eggs into this Jack basket because I have no other baskets to put my eggs into. Then I realized that's untrue, because I could put my eggs into my basket. Jack is really quite the catch, but putting all my eggs into his basket would just leave me even more hurt if he didn't feel the same way. So if I just put a couple of eggs into his basket, and keep the rest for myself, family, and friends...then disappointment won't be so bad.

When someone asks me what I like to do, or what my hobbies are...I really don't have any good answers. I would say reading, but everyone reads. I would say swimming, and that's something I truly do enjoy and am proud of, but it's basically exercise, not really a passion or an interest. I would say hiking, but I've only hiked like 5 times in my life and though I really enjoy it, I don't enjoy it enough to drive somewhere far regularly.

So in terms of putting my own eggs into my own damn basket, I've decided to join a hula school! I'm still trying to choose one, there are surprisingly so many in and around Orange County. But I'm so eager to get started. I love hula a lot, and my stomach was noticeably flatter when I was in Hawaii Club's luau in April. And now I'll have an interesting response when someone asks me what I do for fun.

2008-10-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

Jenny is sad to be back on the mainland...but happier in general.

That was my status for the past few days and it describes me so well. I miss Hawaii terribly, after 9 days, I so wasn't ready to leave. When I arrived back in Cali, I felt no joy whatsoever to be back home. I thought about how crappy Cali is compared to Hawaii, and I still think so. But my life continues and my Hawaii trip was nothing but good for me.

I was so, so sad before my trip. Hawaii guy hurt me so much and it really dampened my excitement for my trip. But when I arrived, Randy greeted me with a beautiful wonderful-smelling plumeria lei, and I literally jumped and squealed for joy. It was gloomy and rainy the day I arrived, but I didn't care, I was just ecstatic to be there; there's something about Hawaii.

Of course I thought about him anyway. Whenever I saw fishermen, I took a closer look.

Anyway, the point is, throughout my whole trip, I felt like Stella getting her groove back (minus ending up with Taye Diggs). I loved Hawaii so much. I felt stress-free; my only job was to have fun and tan. So I didn't need Hawaii guy to have a good time in Hawaii, in fact, I had an amazing time without him. I'm actually very glad I didn't see him for almost all my trip. I honestly think my trip would not have been as wonderful as it was if he were a significant part of it.

I saw him at the very, very end of my trip. And it was the perfect end to my perfect vacation, but not in the way you might think. I decided to see the asshole in hopes of finding closure. And closure I found. When he dropped me off, he said, "I'll see you soon, okay?" And I said nothing. Seeing him reinforced what I knew all along: I really don't like him very much. For whatever reason, I have allowed him to make me miserable, but after seeing him, I am very confident that I will get over him.

So I'm much happier after my trip to Hawaii. I'm happier about the Hawaii guy situation obviously. And I'm also happier with myself. Happier that I found the strength within me to get over him. And happier that despite hurting inside, I was able to truly enjoy and fall in love with beautiful Hawai'i.

2008-09-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

So my 2007-2008 school year was very, very busy. My days started at 8am or earlier and I didn't get home til 10pm or later. But guess what, everyone? It was so worth it! Well, I've always considered the stress and exhaustion worth it in the personal experience sense, but now I'm talking about the applicable, work-world sense.

My resume got me 5 job interviews! I only went to 3 interviews though, because 2 of the interviews were scheduled after I landed 1 of the jobs. Ok, I'm going to toot my own horn...I got all 3 jobs! Last month, I was worried that I wouldn't have a job when I got back from Hawaii. Then a few weeks ago, I was worried that I would choose the wrong job to impress medical schools with. Then today, when I got that 3rd job offer, I was worried that I would make the wrong decision for me. Before I continue with my decision-making process, here were my 3 choices:

1. Front Desk Receptionist/Medical Assistant - University Vascular Associates, private practice of 2 vascular surgeons near UCLA. My job would have been very administrative, but there is an in-office operating room where I could observe non-invasive vascular surgeries.

2. Behavior Interventionist - working with autistic children around the age of 3 in Orange County. Pretty self-explanatory.

3. Clinical Trials Coordinator - Retina-Vitreous Associates Medical Group in Beverly Hills. Overseeing 2-4 clinical trials from inception to end. This involves recruiting participants, being responsible for IRB protocols, liaison between doctors and sponsors, managing databases, etc.

Things I had to consider:

1. Pay - #3 pays significantly the most, about $7,000 more/year.
2. Letters of Rec - I am already getting a letter of rec from a medical doctor as well as my research professor.
3. Location - for #1 and #3, I would move in with family in Baldwin Park, which is about 30 miles from both jobs.
4. Impressing Medical Schools - #2 and #3 were tied to me.
5. Personal Growth and Learning

So I axed #1 first. What's so impressive about just observing surgeries? I have nearly 2 years of clinical experience already where I have done all the things I would do at job #1.

So today it was down to #2 and #3. The past few weeks I was leaning towards #3. I thought it would show a lot of leadership and responsibility. A job where I took initiative and was in control instead of doing what I'm told or what I'm just trained to do. And the pay was significantly more. My mentality is: my youth is over once I start medical school, and it's the most fun to be young and rich.

The autism job would definitely show compassion and patience. However, I thought it was so similar to what I've always done. I get trained for something and then I do what I'm trained for. But it could be a rewarding job, and I do love kids. And it would definitely prepare me for parenthood.

And location is so important. I'm going to Hawaii, and both jobs expect me to start soon after I get back. If I took job #3, I would have to move to Baldwin Park and find someone to replace me at my apartment in a matter of 2 weeks, not even. And I would have to move in with my family, whom I love very dearly, but can handle only in small doses. They're older, they're traditional, they're stuffy. I love my friends and freedom in Irvine. But rent would be free, or very very little. And I do really want to save money.

Then I realized another point against the autism job. I would be responsible for the progress of a child! If that child doesn't progress, I would be a big reason for that failure. And then I told my roomie Tiffany, "I don't think I have the personality that can handle failure, especially that of a child." And then I reworded that thought to another friend, "I don't think I have the personality that can handle being responsible for a child's progress."

And then it hit me. While I was trying to argue against the autism job, I really was arguing for it. I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR. I am going to be responsible for people's lives! And this job is the opportunity to start learning. I've never been responsible for another person before. Not as much as this. I've tutored elementary students where their reading and writing skills depended on me. But the social development of autistic children is much bigger.

So I'll be working with autistic children now that I'm out of college. And I'm so, so, so happy with my decision. I have a lot of growing to do, and here is a full-time job that will help me.

2008-09-10T16:18:00.000-07:00

Random thought: People who can't properly park their SUVs shouldn't drive SUVs. Not to mention the effects of global warming.

So it's official, world. Jenny is no longer an undergraduate student. I officially have completed my undergraduate education at UC Irvine. As I walked out of my very last final this morning, as usual, I thought about the questions I got wrong or didn't know. It wasn't until a few minutes later as I was driving in my car did I remember: I'M FUCKING DONE! And I thought about the past 4 years of late night studying and juggling, and I realized...college really isn't that hard! Medical school will be way, way harder. While I've always known this, I did consider being a Bio major at UCI very stressful, and now I don't know why. Well, it's not really important anymore. I am a college graduate! It says so on facebook and everything.

I don't feel particularly different. I think it'll hit me when APSA has its Welcome Week. Oh man, I'm an APSA Alumnus now, so this is how Narinda feels. Haha. I can't wait to support them in their events like Narinda supported ours. Enjoying amazing APSA events without the stress of planning them? Fuck yeah!

Alright world, Jenny Phung has her Bachelor of Science in Biological Sciences with a minor in Asian American Studies. Woot woot!

2008-08-31T15:57:00.000-07:00

So my family may not be wealthy, and we're surely very dysfunctional (we put the Fung in dysfungctional, hahahaha). But boy, do we take care of each other.

My grandma's in the hospital. I've visited her in the hospital several times in my life, but this is the first time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). When we got there, my family told me that earlier that day, her heart stopped 3 times, as in they had to use a defibrillator. She's such a trooper. So it was my turn to go in, and she was fine, well relatively fine. I was worried that her heart stopping caused brain damage or something, or loss of spirit and soul. But she recognized me and knew who I was. She talked to me about the usual: respecting my elders, if I ate yet, where I'm sleeping tonight.

I could handle seeing the IVs in her and the oxygen tank without being too shaken up. But then she said something that made me cry right on the spot. She said in an apologetic tone, "Grandma doesn't have any lay see (red envelope) to give you." Red envelope has money in it, so my grandma was sorry she didn't have any money to give me. That did it. I didn't bawl, but I did cry. My grandma is not rich at all, yet she still hands me $20 bills every time I see her, which is a portion of her Social Security money.

Sigh. She's old now, not as vibrant as she used to be. As my dad said, her light is getting dimmer. And in her intensive care state, she still worries about giving me money.

2008-08-24T01:37:00.001-07:00

Ok, this will be my last time getting high for awhile. I actually didn't want to get high tonight, but my friend spiked the chocolate fondue! So since I already ate the chocolate, then why not smoke out? Hahahaha. Fuck, I hope I don't have to get drug-tested. No more smoking for me. At least not until I get a job. Haha!

So I've definitely come to the conclusion that....I cannot move to Hawaii...not for at least a few months. While the reason could be powerful, feminist, and amazing like "I will not move to Hawaii for a man!" The real reason is much less empowering: Princeton Review only offers MCAT courses through private tutors in Hawaii! And I want to take an MCAT course in a small class. While I was possibly willing to move to another land mass for him despite my family, friends, roots here in Cali, I am now not willing to move because of the MCAT. Hahaha. My grades may suffer because I'm up late thinking about him causing me to be late/absent the next day, or because it's harder to study when you're constantly thinking about someone....I will NOT sacrifice the MCAT for him. My GPA is not near what it should be, so I'm banking on my MCAT to get me through the numbers door in med school admissions.

And now my second point...about not being able to move for a few months. After I take the course and then the actual MCAT, then I'm back to where I was. I am free to go anywhere I want. I'll apply to jobs in Nor Cal, why not? Yeah, I'll miss my family, but I gotta do what I gotta do. So after the MCAT's taken care of, it's back to...I can do whatever I want to do. I can apply to medical school from anywhere in the world. I can get great API health experience in Hawaii. I am sick of being single. (random, I am)

Though I haven't been single for very long, I already don't like it. What's so great about being single? Not having someone to turn to for affection and attention. Going months without sex.

2008-08-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

I'm high right now. I don't think I've ever blogged high or drunk. Hahahahaha. Let's see how I pull this off. So far, capitalization and punctuation looks good. So does spelling. Hahahahaaha.

So last night I began my job hunt of non-profit community health organizations who focus to serve the Asian Pacific Islander community. Doesn't that sound super-specific? But you'll be surprised, there were dozens out there, and many were hiring. Oh, by the way, the reason I'm looking for something that specific is because my major was Biological Sciences (which means I'm pre-medical pretty much) and my minor was Asian American studies (which means I care about the people!). Hahhaha. So, in my 2 years off before medical school, I wanted to work somewhere that was health-related and API related. It will show that I'm familiar with healthcare and compassionate for the people. Anyway, so while I was searching API community health orgs, I learned that there are SO many in Hawaii! I had no idea. I never realized I could actually find the specific job I'm looking for in Hawaii! So, running into all these job opportunities in Hawaii, the possibility of moving to Hawaii suddenly appeared to be real. Actually likely to happen.

When he was here, I asked him, "Magically, if I got into UH medical school, would we be together?" And he said, "Yeah."

So, Hawaiian guy, magically, if I were able to find a job in Hawaii...

But this isn't magic, bitch! This could actually happen.

What do you say to that now?

Ok, I'm going a little cuckoo here. So that night, after finding all these job opportunities, I dreamed the oddest dream. I dreamed that he called me, and said something to the effect of, "I was thinking about it, and it's about time you moved to Hawaii. You should start moving your things. Yeah, start moving your things." And I responded, "Okay, thank you. I don't think so. Ok bye." I remember feeling like I didn't want him to ask me. Like I didn't want to move there because I wasn't ready. I remember feeling like this is what I've been wanting, but I've wanted the wrong things.

I don't know him very well. But I'm hoping to get to know him in that week in Hawaii. 1 week together will teach me a lot about how it's like to be with him. Because as of right now, I only have a few hours here and there spread over 9 months. The last time he came and we spent 20 hours straight together was the longest we've ever gone. And to be honest, with you and myself, while some of it was great (like dancing in his arms, the holding hands, the kisses), I actually wasn't very pleased with that weekend. He seems to get annoyed with me easily and often. I mean, I know I'm upbeat, but come on. He seems to get annoyed with me in a way that would make me want to apologize. When I was with Emerson, if he ever got annoyed with me, I would make him feel bad for getting annoyed with me! I like wearing the pants, and with Hawaiian guy, the power dynamic is all fucked up.

So I'm waiting for Hawaii to see if he's worth moving for. Because according to my dream, he sure as hell isn't worth it right now.

2008-08-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you.

You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.

Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.

P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn't even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

Just an excerpt from "He's Just Not That Into You." Though it doesn't completely apply to me, a lot of it does. I am a superfox!

2008-08-12T11:42:00.000-07:00

This coming month is going to be filled with growth, self-focus, and lamenting. While lamenting is quite sad, I think it's a step up from this past month. This past month was filled with uncertainty, insecurity, and frustration. After I saw Hawaiian guy last month, I thought that we could be something. I hoped for it and somewhat expected it. And when my expectations weren't met...I was severely disappointed, which went along with uncertainty, insecurity, and frustration. But this month...I have no more expectations. We can never be something because, well, he lives in fucking Hawaii. And this realization is bittersweet. Bitter because I really wanted us to work. Sweet because if I don't have any expectations, I can't be disappointed.

I'm thinking about him constantly...more than I ever have before. It's probably because I like him more than ever before. Which really sucks since I'm going to have to let him go. I'm still going to Hawaii in September, but then I'll really have to let him go. I should try to start this month...I should. But I don't really know how. And knowing that I'm going to see him in September on the best vacation of my life (I'll make sure of it) makes it hard to let him go.

So I'll just be for now. Talk to him as little as possible, focus on him as little as possible. Which brings me to the self-focus part. Summer Session II ends on September 11th, and I need a job waiting for me when I get back from Hawaii in October. It's 2nd week of school, and I still haven't finished my resume or started on my cover letter. I will complete these things by Friday night if it kills me. I've done a lot of shit and I have a lot of experience, but my resume is wiggity-wack. I've decided to go over 1 page, I don't care what the rules say (which aren't very clear anymore anyway). All my experience is bomb-diggity and worth including in my resume!

2008-08-06T01:31:00.000-07:00

Yeah, that's my sexy new camera. It's fucking waterproof. How fucking cool is that? Do I see snorkeling in my near future? Fa sho! I had my old camera for almost 3 years; it would have been 3 years in October. It was still good during the day, but the flash worked horribly (if at all) at night. 3 years is a good run though, it was time for me to move on to bigger and better things.

Well this new camera is smaller actually. But better for sure. It's shockproof too, meaning I can effing drop it, and not have to cry! And sand/dirt-proof, and freeze proof. Beach and snowboarding, here I come! Maybe this will encourage me to go snowboarding because I've never been. =)

2008-08-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

My cousin just posted this on her myspace today. This is my dog, Jasmine. I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she's still alive. It's been over a year now. Life is flying by.

Wasn't she a friggin' cutie? I just thought I'd share this picture with you.

2008-07-29T15:42:00.000-07:00

Jason Mraz anyone? He's on tour and will be coming to LA on November 1st. So if you want to go, keep me in mind. I think I'll be buying tickets before September 1st because he's immensely popular. He's on my list of artists to see in concert. After him, I just need to see Mariah Carey and I'll be set for life. Yeah, I'll buy my ticket by September 1st even if no one responds to this message; that's how badly I want to see him. But it would be nice to go with someone. =)

2008-07-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

As my girls hugged me, some said, "You were the best night RA." And I couldn't help but tear up.

I was really lucky to get a suite of girls who didn't cause any trouble, who had a positive attitude, and who were glad to be in COSMOS. I can't wait to add them in Facebook to keep in touch. I have 9 friend requests awaiting confirmation right now. I decided I wouldn't add them until COSMOS was officially over. There is some content on my profile that may be considered inappropriate for COSMOS. We do have a special relationship where I am their RA and they are my residents, and I want to maintain the professionalism throughout the program.

But when Saturday night rolls around, I'll confirm their friend requests and tag them in photos.

Yeah, they were great girls and this month flew by. But it will be over tomorrow, and I must admit I am eager to leave. Not that I didn't love this job, but when something is so near its end, I just want to get it over with.

2008-07-24T23:49:00.000-07:00

COSMOS is going to end this Saturday. For those of you who don't know, for the past month, I've been a night and weekend RA for this high school summer science program. I'm taking two classes, and work night and weekends (obviously), and I volunteer on Tuesdays. It's a sweet deal. I'm living in Middle Earth, and all my meals are covered. But it's about to end in a few days...

August is going to be an interesting month. I'm taking 3 upper-division Bio classes. I need 2 of them, and the 3rd is a "what the hell, summer school is cheap for me, and I could raise my science GPA" kind of class. And I'll be volunteering once a week. And then...that's it.

I don't know what I'll do with myself in August and September. No job, no APSA, no research?

Of course I'll be job-hunting. But I see myself working out a lot. My goal is to lose at least 8 pounds by Hawaii (because I gained 8 pounds this year).

By the way, I'm going to Hawaii at the end of September. It will be my first time! I'm going for my best friend Randy's 21st birthday! So much excitement! Before I start a full-time job, I thought I'd treat myself. I guess it's my graduation present to myself. Good job, Jenny, for making it out in 4 years!

2008-07-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

In life, there are things you can choose to do and things you can't. In my life right now,

I choose to:

1. NOT call him, text him, IM him, comment on his myspace, or send him a myspace message. Even though I'm so tempted to.

2. Check his myspace page to see if he's posted any new pictures or blogs. And just to see what's up with his life in general (because he sure as hell doesn't update me directly). It's really unhealthy and pretty pathetic. I feel like a stalker.

I can't choose that I:

1. Have feelings for him.

2. Think about him.

3. Want him to change.

I feel what I feel, I think what I think, I want what I want.

I don't like the girl I've become because of him. I emphasize girl and not person, because I'm still the same person. But as a girl, he has made me obsessive and insecure. I feel unwanted.

FUCK! I'm a sexy beast! He would be fucking lucky to have me! Or would he? FUCK! Look at how he's making me doubt my sexiness!

I'm going to try to stop checking his myspace. It only depresses me more. His status today said "_____ is missing her ALOT!!!" Mood: lonely Yeah, he misspelled "a lot." I'd like to think that it's me he's missing and it's me he's lonely for (I think what I think). And I so badly want to call him and ask. But then I realized, if he misses me, HE SHOULD FUCKING TELL ME HIMSELF! And if it's not me he's missing, then I'm so not emotionally prepared to handle that.

2008-07-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, everyone. I'll fill you in and not try to be mysterious/anonymous/stupid.

There's a guy in Hawaii. I've known him for over four years. Ann met him off asianavenue.com (which is now asianave.com, like subtracting 3 letters will bring back AzN PrIdE), and one day when I was over at her house, I used her AIM screenname and we started talking. So yes, I met him off the internet, whatever. Fast-forward 3.5 years, I finally met him in person last October. It was the day after Shocktoberfest, I still had front bangs (which I have mixed feelings about), and I was at the peak of my weight loss. We had a pretty good time together, and a crush developed on my part at least.

Then 8 months go by and it's been an emotionally turbulent 8 months in terms of my feelings for him. We'd go months without communicating, then we'd have 2-3 hour phone conversations. I'm starting to understand him better, his inconsistency, his periods of absence, but it doesn't make sense to me. He doesn't make any sense. He says the sweetest things to me, and I just eat his words up. But then...he'll go MIA for weeks. I tell myself it's a Hawaiian thing, like they're just laid back like that (stereotyping is no good). I partially believe it, but the other side of myself is saying, "Stop it."

Really, Jenny? There are so many reasons to stop, to just say, "Fuck it. Fuck him." Then I listen to his song (he's a DJ), or he'll randomly call or text me. Man, I sound pretty pathetic, to go ga-ga over a call or text.

He lives in fucking Hawaii. What the fuck am I thinking?

I'm thinking his birthday's coming up and I'm eager to mail him his present. And he's supposed to come in August, and I'm going to Hawaii in September, and he'll probably be back in October. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking it'll be amazing when I see him.

Gosh, I want August to come already. One more month. Breathe, don't be pathetic, it's not attractive.

2008-07-07T09:17:00.001-07:00

The first ever API Presidential Town Hall was held on Saturday, May 17th, 2008. I had never been so inspired by just being in a room full of people before. Here's a video of Beau Sia that I recorded:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TMHBUSdyhE

2008-06-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

It was great seeing you again. As if 8 months hadn't passed.

But 8 months had passed, and I must admit there was awkwardness. We didn't even kiss until 2 1/2 hours into seeing each other. But that was fine, the anticipation was fun. And your kisses didn't disappoint either. After 8 months, I forgot what your kisses were like completely. So I was relieved to find they were yummy. =P

I liked just chilling with you watching TV; it was nice to finally get to see what it's like to just hang out with you.

I like how our bodies mesh well together; I feel very comfortable in your arms.

I wonder if you're thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about you. And I wonder if you like me as much as I like you. These past 8 months have confused the shit out of me, and after this wonderful weekend, I'm even more confused.

2008-06-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

More word spreading.

http://www.angryasianman.com/2008/06/gook-john-mccains-racism-and-why-it.html

2008-06-10T02:16:00.000-07:00

I have to spread the word.

There's no way he's winning. I can tell the future, if you didn't know. I know Obama is going to be our next president. But I must spread the word just in case I'm wrong. Better safe than sorry.

I don't know what percentage of this country is Christian, but I do know that if enough people see this video, every non-Christian will not vote for him. And moderate open-minded Christians won't vote for him either. Alright. Sleep tight.

2008-06-09T03:51:00.000-07:00

This is a post to vent.

As I was trying on powder at a make-up counter with an employee, my sister asks how often I wear powder. I answer "as often as I wear make-up, which averages every other week," and she responds, "you're so lazy." I didn't respond, and if I did, it wasn't a strong comment or else I'd remember it. I held back, because I knew it was another opportunity for me to bigger than my sister. I could have responded (here's where the venting comes in) "You may call me lazy, but I could call you insecure, superficial, and vain." It is partially true that I don't wear make-up everyday because I'm lazy, and it's not the falsehood of her comment that upsets me, it's the fact that she said it in front of a complete stranger as she was doing my make-up. Did she embarrass me in front of the lady to make herself feel better? Did she call me lazy so she wouldn't recognize her own insecurities? She is the epitome of the kind of person who puts others down to make herself feel better. It's funny because she thinks the same thing of me. But I don't insult her heavy eye makeup or her unnatural colored contacts. I don't point out the fact that she's 24 and not yet at a 4-year university. If I do point out her flaws, it's out of frustration with those flaws and not for my own validation. I have recently pointed out to her that it's questionable that she made $40,000+/year and has no savings to show for it. But I pointed that out because I was frustrated with her asking my mother (who makes less than that) for money. Her heavy eye makeup, colored contacts, and education don't affect me, thus I don't point them out. How does my seldom wearing makeup affect her?

I admit, I used to be the person who puts her down to make myself feel better. I can't point out a specific instance, but it does feel familiar that I've mentioned that I'm smarter than her. But I haven't done this in a long time, and I've matured since then. I've matured so much that I don't even think that I'm smarter than her. I acknowledge that she has strengths in areas I don't, and vice versa. I don't even use college education as an equivalent to intelligence anymore. She had her reasons for postponing her education, and that's fine.

I don't wear make-up everyday because I grew up not wearing makeup everyday. While old habits die hard, new habits are hard to create. I also don't feel the need to hide my flaws everyday, whom do I need to impress? To me, putting on makeup serves the purpose of impressing, and I don't need to impress someone everyday. That is where we're different. She feels the need to impress someone everyday. I'm not judging her reasoning, I'm just acknowledging that we're different. Like we're different in intelligence. If I'm mature enough to acknowledge our differences without valuing it as inferior or superior, why can't she?

2008-05-14T00:00:00.001-07:00

It's been over a month since my last sad excuse of a post. So I feel like I should explain it. But I won't explain it too much, because I can't reveal a lot of things on this public blog due to various things I'm hiding from people in my life.

I love my mom with all my heart as I've mentioned numerous times before. But my distaste for Vegas is so great that my love for her is not enough to visit. I don't want to say why I'm letting go of Vegas, but I'll describe my feelings about visiting.

I realized that I visited Vegas for a handful of people. There were a handful of people in Vegas I did not want to let go of. But after my last visit during Spring Break, I realized that for one of those people, I was holding on but s/he was not. I've known this for awhile, but I was in denial (hey, that rhymes). I thought that if I kept making the effort, s/he would eventually also make the effort. But it is truly disheartening being in an unequal relationship of any kind. And this cheerful girl will not stand to be disheartened any longer.

And of course, there is him. I often wish that teleportation were real. Because the idea of me going to Vegas to be with him and the idea of him coming to Cali to be with me are not appealing. I long for him when I'm lonely, whenever I encounter the many things in my life that remind me of him. But not lonely enough to drive to Vegas or to ask him to drive to Cali. Just lonely enough to wish we could teleport. I have so many of his clothes, too many. I don't have the heart to throw them away, so they're in a storage box in my cousin's patio. I think I'll give them back to him if he were ever to visit Cali for another reason but me.

My lack of desire to go to Vegas coincides with my true, real, actual singledom. I am actually single now. For real. I have been faking it for the past 2 years, but it's for real this time. I have no idea when I'm going to see him again, and I'm very very proud of myself.

But I'm unhappy. This is unfortunate. I am the kind of girl who needs to have a boyfriend. Rather, has been accustomed to having one for 6 years and doesn't know how to deal. I've done some stupid things in the past few weeks to cope. I won't go into that. Just shows that I'm still growing and maturing, and I still need to learn to love myself more and treat myself better.

2008-03-31T12:20:00.000-07:00

I am letting go of Vegas.

2008-03-28T12:47:00.000-07:00

So as of my grades this quarter, I'm keeping up my resolution to maintain a 3.5 science GPA. I got an A in Cell Bio! I really wasn't expecting that. But a B+ is Neurobio lab. Turns out my next quarter is looking pretty hectic but in a different way. I thought I was going to be taking 3 UD Bio classes, but I'm actually only taking 1 along with 3 Asian Am classes. So it'll be a lot of reading, but not a lot of studying. If I don't get an A in that ONE bio class...I don't deserve to go to med school. Ha!

I have this one Asian Am class on Wednesday evenings which conflicts with 2 of my events during APIHM, and another event conflicts with its discussion. I'm not one to back down from my commitments to other people. I am much more the type of person to drop a class than to relieve my responsibilities from something as important as APIHM. Even though I've never done either. I could give it off to my interns except one is taking the class too, and they're both not ready to handle 3 events in one month. Which says something about my mentoring quality, I'll admit. And it's not even giving my interns control over the event, I'm not comfortable giving my event to any of the board members. It's not that I don't trust them specifically, I just don't trust anyone. I birthed and raised these events, and I couldn't handle them being executed in any way but my own way. I'm very picky. I don't like typos and I don't like not doing things justice. And it kills me to see either. So I've never dropped a class during/after Week 1, but this might be a first.

2008-03-18T20:45:00.000-07:00

It is Tuesday, and I am DONE WITH FINALS!! And now I can blog, about what, I don't know. Ok, so I had traffic school last week. There's 2 things I want to say about that.

First, it was a 7 hour class, 3.5 hours on a Monday and Tuesday. In order to go there Monday, I had to miss an Uncultivated Rabbits meeting, a Constituents meeting, and an Umbrella Council meeting. And on Tuesday, I had to miss an APSA meeting. So my point is that I was able to take 7 extra hours out of my schedule to go to this traffic school, and if I weren't involved in any of these activities, that could be 7 hours of studying a week!! I do spend more time on my extracurriculars than on studying. On top of meetings, I spend even more time planning, organizing, e-mailing. Yes e-mailing and researching for programs takes a lot of time. I wouldn't give up my student leadership experience with APSA for anything (except maybe a 4.0 GPA), I'm just observing.

Secondly, so I had 3 months to go to traffic school, and I put it off until the last minute. My due date was March 11th, and I scheduled a class for March 9th. So Sunday, March 9th rolled around, I woke up at noon like any other Sunday. Tra la la, "what time should I go into research to make up hours? I really want to see Definitely, Maybe...OH SHIT!" I was supposed to be there at 7:45 am, so it's way too late to still go now. I'm freaking out! I cannot, cannot have a point on my license! So I call all the traffic schools I can, and after several attempts and hearing "we don't have anything within 50 miles," I luckily find Improv Comedy Club Traffic School in Buena Park, and it's broken up into 2 classes on the 10th and 11th. Reading my court papers, I'm unclear as to when I'm supposed to have my certificate into the court by. Am I supposed to complete traffic school by March 11th or submit the certificate to the court by the 11th? If it's the latter situation, I'm screwed. Because the class ends at 9:30pm, I won't be able to submit it until the 12th in the morning. I didn't know the answer to this question until the 12th, and I just attended traffic school and hoped for the answer I wanted. So I approach the window of the courthouse, and held my breath. The lady says, "Oh, you completed it the day it was due?" And I say, "Yeaaaah, is that okay?" She says, "Yeah, it's fine." WHOOOOO!! I don't think how much I emphasized how big a deal it was that I don't get a point on my driver's license. Insurance goes up about $300/year and the point stays on for 3 years! That's $1000 I saved! So I was scared shitless for 2 days...and my theory of life remains true: things always work out.

Life always works out for me. Even in the worst of times, I always have this gut feeling that everything's going to be alright. My life's not fabulous nor comfortable, but I don't have it too shabby. Thank God for credit cards.

2008-01-24T00:26:00.001-08:00

I have a new reason to wake up in the morning. And if I realized this a couple years ago, I could have saved my GPA. It's my motivation to study, to trek home every night at 12 in the morning.
My mama.

Of course I have always lived for her, don't get me wrong. I guess when I was too lazy to study or too lazy to get my ass up in the morning, I only thought about myself and my grades. So even though I don't really want bad grades, I accepted them because I knew I deserved them .

It hit me when I had a conversation with Jesse last week. He had a crazy long to-do list, and we were at Jack-in-the-Box at 12:30 am (right out of an Umbrella meeting). He ordered a lot of food, and told me it was supposed to last him the whole night. "You're pulling an all-nighter, and it's week 1?" I asked him. And he explained to me how his mom has worked so hard to get him into college, to make sure he's educated and successful, and choosing Asian Am as a major could be disappointing. And to prevent all his mom's work from being in vain, Jesse has all these extracurricular activities and all these responsibilities outside of his academics to ensure his success. His to-do list consisted of almost all non-academic tasks.

Then it hit me, even though I already kinda knew. I am pre-med for my mom. My goal in life is to take care of my mom. I am here for my mom. B+ is just not going to cut it.

So even though Umbrella Council starts at 9:30 pm on Mondays. And APSA meetings with afterevents end at 10:00+ on Tuesdays. I have the weekend to study. I am going to make up for the past 1 1/2 years of forgetting why I'm here. And this epiphany better carry over to next quarter (to the rest of my life, actually), because I have to take 2 upper division Bio labs, an upper division Bio lecture, Asian Am 60C, Asian Am 101, and research. Next quarter's going to be hell. I'll be finishing up my UROP and presenting a poster on my project in May!!!! Ahhh!!!

I can't wait til APAAC and APIHM are over. I love you APSA. And I love APAAC and APIHM, but you know...

2008-01-21T23:34:00.001-08:00

Look how cute he is trying to be culturally sensitive. Ass. hole.

2008-01-21T01:24:00.000-08:00

Considering I said that my blog needs some serious excitation, that last post really sucked balls.

I just took this cool test that figures out which candidate is aligned with my views. And it's Kucinich. Then Edwards, then Clinton, and then Obama. Romney is least aligned with my views, that fool got like -48 points or something, followed closely by Fuckabee (who has Chuck Norris approval though, hmmm). So yeah, Obama opposes same-sex marriage, but opposes opposing same-sex marriage. Yeah, it's as stupid and confusing as it sounds. He supports same sex civil unions, but not same sex-marriages. But he opposes a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. Then why doesn't he just support same-sex marriage then?

I am going to have to ask my queer friends to see how they feel about civil unions. If they're cool with it, then Obama's still cool. But there were 25 questions, and Kucinich agreed with me on ALL of them. Man, I wish he had a chance. I guess he's too liberal. Man...

Will I be wasting a vote on Kucinich? I do still want Obama to make it to the general election though. To have a person of color there...

Al Gore didn't come back, and Kerry didn't come back, so Obama probably won't come back next time around.

Now that I think about it. Obama had testimonials from prominent people in the API community on his website. But he didn't have any from the LGBT community. It's probably because they don't support him.

In these recent Nevada primaries, Obama had support from the Culinary Worker Union, which my mama is a part of. I know her though, and I know she didn't choose to support him herself. And I know my parents didn't participate in the caucuses (which I think are so stupid by the way). Their English is way too limited to know what the hell is going on at a caucus, which is why I think APALC is great for getting poll monitors out there (yes, I know Cali doesn't use caucuses).

Maybe I won't vote because I'm too confused. There's no way Kucinich is going into the general election. Do I vote for him anyway? It's a matter of principle vs. logic. Ahhh!!

2008-01-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

Grace Young's blog totally kicks my blog's ass. Alright Jen Jen's ramblings, we need to better ourselves!

I thought of a new, not so serious resolution that I'm currently achieving actually. It's kind of embarrassing, but if I can't laugh at myself then...I should just die. Haha. See? Laughing at myself. So I do this thing that I got from my mom. I don't know why she does it, but I remember watching her do it when I was young.

I, like my mom, snap my bra in the front, then I twist it around to put it on. It's embarrassing, it's not sexy, and it's bad for my bras (because my bras have feelings too). So my resolution now is to snap my bra in the back. And it's a lot sexier that way, not to mention better for my bras. I'm already achieving this resolution, so I just gotta get kick-ass at it.

And I have a resolution for you men out there. Learn how to take a bra off with one hand. Now that's sexy.

2008-01-02T07:47:00.000-08:00

So it's almost 8 in the morning, and I'm up trying to fix my jetlag problem. I just got back from Vietnam a few days ago. It was my first time outside of North America, and it was really fun. I went on a medical mission for the first week, and spent the 2nd week with family in Saigon that I've never met. I arrived in LAX on the 30th and was determined to make it to Vegas for New Years, which I did, yay! I wore this hot green dress that Lilian so wonderfully bought for me for Christmas. Emerson and I went to Red Room on Sahara and Valley Viewish. It's 21+, but he gots the hook-up like that. I had an Adios and it was goo-ood. We had champagne at midnight and shared a lovely Hollywood kiss. The music wasn't my style, I don't know how to dance to 80s and House. I wish I were a better dancer. Emerson's learning how to dance really well, and I'm so envious. He's busting out JT moves. Hot stuff.

Anywho, so my New Year Resolutions are:
1. Lose 20 pounds. This may sound extreme, but I lost 12 last fall. And I probably gained it all back in Vietnam (I haven't weighed myself yet). Man, if I accomplish this...it'd be really awesome. Haha. I hope my butt and boobs stay the same though. Well, I guess I can afford to lose some of my butt.
2. Graduate with at least a 3.5. Yeah, I'm graduating this year, guys. My heart was set on studying abroad in Hong Kong, but I realized, I don't need to study there, I just need to live there. So I'm walking in the spring, but will be finishing up classes in the summer. And will go to Hong Kong some time next year?
3. Get at least a 3.5 in my remaining Bio classes. My science GPA definitely needs some boosting, and it's too late to wish for a science GPA of a 3.5, but I can absolutely try to get that in my remaining 6 Bio classes.
4. Pass the CBEST. This is the California Basic Educational Skills Test to become a substitute teacher. I'm taking 2 years off before medical school and thought that becoming a sub would be a great way to kill time, and make money in the process.

I can't think of anything else I want to accomplish this year. Of course I have some life goals that I'll continue working on (eg., less judgmental). But I'll be very happy if I achieve those 4. I'll update you in one year!

2007-12-01T17:13:00.000-08:00

Nothing phenomenal happened for Thanksgiving. It was just really good. I say "Wonderful" sometimes when people ask, but really nothing amazing. But at the same time, it is amazing how normal it was. We cooked, we ate, we played Cranium. But it was truly wonderful. When I look back on that night in my mind, everything is tinted brown. As if the whole night had an aura of brown. There was a warmth about that night, a feeling of home. I am really lucky to have such a close extended family. When I think about my nuclear family, it's not enough. My great relationship with my favorite cousins makes up for my strained relationship with my sisters. My great relationship with my dad's siblings makes up for my emotionally bi-polar relationship with my dad. I do love my mom though. I am so extremely grateful to have her personality. I don't see many people with our personality, and when I do, that person makes me smile, just like my mama makes me smile.

2007-11-22T01:26:00.001-08:00

I had the best conversation with Ambika a couple days ago. It has been a very long time since we've had a good conversation, and oh how I cherish them. I especially cherish them because they're few and far between, but the smiles that last for days afterwards are really something. I felt like our friendship was gradually ceasing to exist, and then some mysterious entity comes with a defibrillator and revives our friendship. It's not even the things she says (even though she makes me laugh out loud in the library) but just knowing that she's on the receiving end of my words and I have her attention. After our good conversations, I have this permanent smile for days afterwards. As cheesy as that sounds. I think why I'm so happy is because my life resolution is to have better relationships with those I care about, and our conversations exemplify this. Life's good. It's Thanksgiving break, and I don't have a care in the world for 2 more days. Gobble gobble. gobble. gobble.

2007-11-22T01:14:00.000-08:00

For some reason, I have never ever described myself as ambitious. When I hear about people being ambitious, I think, "I wish I were ambitious." But I do a lot. A lot, a lot. I am doing everything I need to be doing to get where I want to go...and then some. I am driven, and I'm acting on my drive. Why didn't I realize before that I am ambitious? I can be lazy, I suppose, and I always regret it. But I'm happy to have a new adjective to describe my whole person. I usually use "cheerful, positive, passionate," but now I can add to it. Cool. Yay!

2007-10-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

I'm so sporadic in my blogging. I hate it. I've been meaning to write about this for nearly 3 months now. I haven't even written it in my private journal, but I'll get around to it.

My parents lost my dog in August. Her name is Jasmine, and she was wonderful. She was house trained, had a very cute face, and loved me unconditionally. I had her for 11 years. There was a period where I didn't care for her very much anymore. That was pretty much all of junior high and high school. Then in college, for some reason, I decided to start loving her again. I think it's because Connie left. It was her dog initially, but now it was mine. So Jasmine was my dog. She always wanted to be petted and she slept in my bed. Her tail curled over her body and you could always see her anus when she stood. She could still run and jump on the bed at 11 years. She had at least 4 more to go. So I started loving her more in the past few years. And especially after I moved to Irvine, I would love her so much whenever I saw her. And she would always remember me, thank goodness. I don't think she remembered Connie anymore. So even though I still cry when I think about her, I am so relieved that I have no regrets about how I treated her. I am so thankful that I made the decision to start loving her again. She knew I loved her the day she was lost.

My parents still keep her leash and collar. My mom said, "In Vietnam, I knew a family who gave their dog away to someone miles away. After a few months, the dog found its way back home." Oh it breaks my heart. God, I miss her.

The reason I'm sharing this with you is that this is a prime example of living like there's no tomorrow. I thought I was going to have her for another few years, but I treated her like I could lose her any minute. I can think of several very important people in my life who I would have many regrets with if I lost them tomorrow. But it's hard to let everyone know how much you love them. It takes time for one thing, but it's also awkward. I know one way that will help me have less regrets: picking up the phone when a friend calls. I so often ignore calls because I just don't feel like talking. But they're reaching out to me for a reason, and I should really start to embrace that reason.

2007-09-21T13:33:00.000-07:00

Life resolution: improving the relationships in my life.

Starting right now.

I am going to contact everyone who is important to me and update them on my life. Then they will update me on theirs. And everyone will be updated. Simple enough. But maintaining it will be the hard part.

Sometimes when it's the other party that isn't doing their part of the maintenance, I just give it up on account of my pride, I suppose. I'm too proud to probe, or more accurately, I'm too afraid that my probing will be unwanted. Probing is an exaggeration. But if I e-mail someone, and they don't e-mail back in 3 weeks, how should I deal with it? I want to keep the correspondence going, but how do I go about asking: have you just been busy or do you want to end our e-mails? Errr....maybe I'll call them.

Anywho! I'm excited about this new decision. Because the relationships in my life sure need improvement. I'll let you know how it goes!

2007-08-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

I recently updated my friend on the craziness that is my life. And I concluded the long story with "So I'm doing good." And he concurred by saying "Yeah, there's a lightness in your voice."

So yay! The hardest thing I've ever had to do is paying off. I've dealt with this break-up a lot better than I thought I would, and sometimes I worry maybe a little too well. But I don't want to get into that. I just want to accept my happiness as it is, and not psychoanalyze the situation.

Even though I truly feel that no man could ever make me happier, I was never happy with myself when I was with him. But now I am happy with myself! I am really happy.

I can go into more detail, this entry is so general. But it can get a little gory, and TMI. So I shall save that for my personal journal.

2007-07-27T21:17:00.000-07:00

I woke up from a nap to a dark, empty apartment. And I felt so alone. Sleeping with my bedroom door open doesn't help the lonely atmosphere either. If it were closed, then maybe, just maybe, someone was on the other side. Usually I dread waking up from a nap in someone's presence. I don't want them to see me as lazy or unproductive.
So it was weird feeling so alone. I can't remember ever being so conscious about my loneliness. I had a strong urge to call him, an urge I haven't felt in awhile (over a week, at least, which is awhile for me). But I decided to blog it instead.
While some people have fear of commitment, I have a fear of loneliness.
But the freedom of my new single status made itself very apparent last night at our first party in our new apartment. Nothing happened, but I was free to let things happen if I wanted to.
I have been through enough to know that I don't want slutdom through my freedom. But I am my own person now, an independent individual if you will.

2007-07-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

You know what I miss? I miss summers in Vegas. Warm nights and great friends. And pictures worth a thousand words. Drunken parties and dance floors in family rooms. I don't know when I'll be visiting Vegas this summer, if I'm visiting at all. I need to cross that line. That line between dwelling on the old life I had and enjoying the start of my new life. I still feel very connected to Vegas. But I need to let it go. If I keep on considering it my home, and thus my heart, I'll never be happy here. And I'm going to be here for a very long time. Every time I go to Vegas, I never want to leave.
I guess I'm not ready to start a new life. I'm just a baby. I don't want to grow up, to be responsible for myself. I don't want to let go of Vegas.

2007-07-08T00:19:00.000-07:00

I can feel the white hair growing.

Tuition is due in a month, and I don't know where or how I'm getting the money.

I finally mustered up the courage to do the right thing for the one I love. And now I spontaneously cry when I hear Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." When I think of how he said "I tried...I tried to keep you," I break down in tears. It's bittersweetness I feel. I miss him so much. I wonder what he's up to, how he's doing. I miss his arms, that nook in his armpit that my head was made for. I miss how he imitates Stitch. I miss how good he is with Jasmine. I miss his belly, and the birthmark on his toe. I miss how good he was to me, and how good he was for me. He would do anything for me. I smile at him adoringly in a way I'll never smile at anyone. I miss how he wipes my tears and say "pixie dust" and pretends to sprinkle dust on my face.

But I finally let go of my security blanket. And for the first time in five years, I don't have all that I'll miss. I have the memories. And they're going to help me through this trying time. They're going to remind me why I did this and why I have to do this. And though it hurts to hurt someone you love, I, Jenny, am now a stronger person.

2007-06-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

So my dear friend Cheriz asked me what was wrong because my blogs are so damn depressing. I'm only inspired to write when I'm sad, so I come off as a sad person. But I need to broaden my horizon of inspirations.

A few years ago, I thought that the family unity of Filipinos is amazing compared to my own family. But now that I live in Irvine, 45 minutes away from the extended family I grew up with, I happily drive to see them every weekend. When my aunt calls me to tell me she's having a BBQ, I get excited. I get excited about catching up with my cousins, playing Wii with them. I get excited about seeing my grandma and my older aunts and uncles.

My uncle, who hurt his shoulder, gave me a bed and mattress and helped me move it all the way to Irvine. My aunt continuously gives me money she doesn't have.

We don't say "I love you." We don't show affection. But we unselfishly give ourselves to our family, and that's how we express our love.

I let my identity as a student take priority over my identity as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend, lover. Remembering this acknowledgment, I postponed an hour of studying to help my mom with her English. I'm so proud of myself. An hour doesn't sound like a lot. And it isn't. But when you always put studies before anything, sacrificing an hour for someone else is a big accomplishment.

2007-06-13T02:32:00.001-07:00

It has been 3 1/2 years since I've written in this blog. What sparked me to restart was a quote on Ann's facebook. It was an excerpt of my last blog entry on here. And when I read it, I knew it was from my old blog. She kept it on her computer this whole time. 3 1/2 years!

So I think I'm going to start blogging again. I believe my thoughts are interesting enough.

So what should I restart with? Man, it has to be something monumental. I'll get back to you on that.

2003-09-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

But then.
We stopped running if we didn't have any place to go; we stopped climbing if we thought we couldn't get any higher. We didn't apply to Columbia because we thought we couldn't get in. We abdicated the throne ourselves, took the crown off, placed the crown down, and stayed in one place. We were sold the promise of satisfaction, we wore the clothes of contentment, and when we were hungry, we ate, and then we weren't hungry anymore.
We fooled ourselves into believeing we had to have something to discover in order to embark upon great search. We fooled ourselves into believing there had to be music if we wanted to dance. We threw on clothes in the morning and tugged our shirts down over ample bellies in the eyes of lovers. We came home not because we wanted to exhale, but because we figured that was the last place to find on earth.
Desire for the sake of desiring. Want for the sake of wanting. Go hungry for the sake of feeling something. Get lost. Strip yourself to the skin, brush lightly against the dip of your stomach, the arch of your back, the mystery of your neck. Be familiar with the terrain of yourself without getting too bored. Leave the clothes on the floor.
Feel without reason, fuck without explanation, search without objective, create without models, write without outlines, love without conditions, read without page numbers, fly without crash targets, sing without sound, fall apart without tape, laugh withough jokes, live without design.
Wake up to a life you love to live.

2003-09-07T01:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

2003-09-02T22:44:00.000-07:00
You get what you want; that's the scariest thing in the whole fucking world. You spend so much of your time bitching and rhapsodizing, desiring and wanting and panting every three seconds; so the minute it all stops, the minute you find a good real something in your hands, you can't help but start applauding, madly. Everything you want laid our before you? Shit.

"I'm not going to pay $7 for something I'm going to bleed on."--Cheriz...hilarious stuff.

2003-08-24T23:35:00.000-07:00
You know when you do something new and exciting and the experience seems almost surreal? I haven't been to the beach in years...so when I saw the waves, stepped in the squishy sand, and felt myself being pulled back by the waves...it didn't seem like I was really there. It felt like I was watching myself do all this...like I was watching t.v. An out-of-body experience you may call it. It was like when I was at the Britney Spears's concert...it was as if I was watching her on t.v. Not sitting there actually watching her. I'm so used to NOT doing anything exciting that when I DO do (doo doo, haha) something exciting, it feels...ethereal. Haha, big vocabulary. I hope I used it correctly. You feel me?

2003-08-15T02:29:00.000-07:00
I got my license. My parents won't let me take the car. Asses. I got really pissed cuz they're stalling on buying me a car. Sounds spoiled? You'd be pissed too if your older sister got a car. =P If anyone knows anyone selling a car...call me. Thanks. I want to play counter strike again. Damn dial-up. Pool anyone? ann...=P

2003-08-11T00:50:00.000-07:00
I was playing Puzzle Fighter the other day. Remember that game? They use baby versions of Street Fighter Characters...and it's a Tetrisish sorta thing. Man...I miss childhood. I don't want to live forever...but I don't want to die. You feel me?

2003-08-08T14:15:00.000-07:00
I was driving over those sewer metal circular things on the street. My dad goes..."What's that noise?" My mom goes "those Ninja Turtle things". Chinese parents...can't live with them, can't live without them. I'm getting my license tomorrow...hopefully. I really hope I pass. I've been looking forward to this day for...15 years and 9 months and one day. Everyone wish me luck. Thanks! Oh...I'm still single. Thanks again!!

2003-07-29T17:34:00.000-07:00
I'M SINGLE!!! Tell the world!! *sigh* I miss being single. Well this is only temporary. Me and Emerson drive each other CRAZY!! So we both need a little breather. Last night when we made things official, he said "I'll always love you, you'll make a lovely wife." You can't tell me commitment scares all guys away. What really makes me smile is that he used the word "lovely". How many guys use that word? Well, if anyone knows a guy...hint, hint.

2003-07-28T02:34:00.000-07:00
Day by day, Andre's on my mind less and less. What does that mean? Does it mean I care less? No. Does it mean I'm forgetting? *sigh*, maybe. Does it mean I'm FINALLY beginning to grasp the fact he's gone? Yes. I used to think about him every hour. Now...twice or thrice a day. Writing this entry will be my closure. When I go to Orleans, I still expect him to be there. After it happened, but before I found out...I remember I was watching Finding Nemo that day. I looked around the arcade...just to say "hi" and maybe get a game of DDR. I didn't ask about you. I should have asked about you. I'm sorry Andre. Give me a sign that though we weren't close...I still meant something to you.

2003-07-26T15:52:00.000-07:00
I've done the right thing but for the wrong reason. By doing the right thing, I righted the wrong thing. Does that make it right? Techinically. Can't I do the right thing without it being for the wrong reason? I'm selfish. So selfish.

2003-07-24T22:48:00.000-07:00
Have you ever done the wrong thing even though you knew it was wrong? I know what's right and what's wrong. It's not that I WANT to do the wrong thing...it's just so hard to do the right thing. My conscience tells me "no". I am defying my conscience to do this wrong thing. I am defying my conscience. It hurts to admit it. And you know what the really sad part is? I don't even feel as remorseful as I should. This is the person I've diminished to. *sigh* For what?

2003-07-19T20:30:00.000-07:00
First day of work wasn't too bad. My feet hurt though...=T. Like, have you ever been to an amusement park and just walk the whole day and your ankles would hurt so bad by the time you get to the car? Yeah that's how I feel. I like my job though...so far. I'm a party hostess. Remember when your parents would throw you parties at Chuck E. Cheese or something? Yeah that's me. Just one party, and I got $20 tip. That's pretty good. I hope all parents are nice like that, makes my job a lot easer.

2003-07-19T11:20:00.000-07:00
I start work today. First job, wow! Damn, I'm growing up. I'm so nervous, I don't want to mess up too bad. But I know I'm going to mess up. Wish me luck everyone. Or at least everyone who reads this. =P. Thanks!!