Jenny Phung, Psychiatry Rotation #3 2012
Since I live in Davis, I chose an AA meeting in Davis. I had
preconceived notions about what an AA meeting in Davis would be like. I thought
it would be poorly attended. Davis is a small town of high-achieving
individuals - the anonymity part would possibly be compromised because it’s a
small town, and I assumed that highly educated people with high incomes have
less reason to abuse alcohol. It turned out that 20 people came, and I’m very
glad because it was a much richer experience than the experience I was
expecting.
There were some Davis stereotypes that were met. Many of the
members rode their bikes to the meeting, and all of the attendants were
Caucasian except for two others and myself. I think this latter observation might not be specific to
Davis. As an Asian American, I can attest to the fact that our culture does not
promote emotional expression, while Western culture does. I was very surprised
to see another Asian person at the meeting. She was a senior citizen, and her
English had no accent. So it makes sense that she was likely born in America or
has lived here most her life, and identifies more with her American identity
when it comes to sharing her struggles with others.
One of the major themes I picked up on was the necessity of
insight. All of the people in the room had insight into their lives. One has to
have insight to even be at an AA meeting. I don’t know what the statistics are,
but I imagine that the majority of people who voluntarily go to an AA meeting
are successful in the long term. Having enough insight to go to an AA meeting,
to seek support in the battle against alcohol, it just sounds so
counterintuitive to continue to make the same mistakes that you’ve already
admitted were mistakes.
These are some of the most memorable statements from the
meeting: “I wanted to die.” “I drank as long as I was awake.” “It was like,
‘feel, drink, feel, drink, feel drink.’ I drank so I didn’t have to feel.” “My
last drink was 4 days ago and I’m glad to be back at AA.” “I used to tell
myself that if anyone was beaten as a kid, or have been to jail, they’d be like
me too.” “My daughter’s in college and I don’t even know her.” “How much of my
life did I experience? How much of my life didn’t
I experience?”
One of the topics that came up from the reading at the
beginning of the meeting was “automatic thought” or “first thought,” which of
course is drinking. That phrase reminded me of cognitive behavioral therapy –
addressing what that thought is and analyzing its reasonability. AA meetings
are a lot like CBT, but without the rigid structure. It’s self-CBT. Hearing
other people’s stories reminds people of how unreasonable it is to drink
alcohol as the answer to all problems. But no one is telling you it’s
unreasonable. People are just sharing their own experiences, and it’s up to the
listener to interpret how that person’s experience can be applied to himself or
herself.
I shared my name at the beginning of the meeting, but not
that I was a medical student. I was never called on to share; in fact, I was
the only one to not share. At the end of the meeting, a lady approached me and
gave me her number to call anytime. I was so touched by her kindness, but even
then, I didn’t tell her I was a medical student. I felt very out of place at the
meeting. I was very respectful about the whole experience, but I felt like I
was intruding. Everyone in the room has a struggle they share in common, and I
do not share that with them. I have definitely grown from hearing their
stories, but I worried that they were not stories for me to hear.
