The problem with keeping a blog is that I have to feel like blogging. And if I don't feel like blogging, I don't. And if I don't blog, then the feelings I felt at any certain time slowly become more and more vague. And it's unfortunate, because I want to remember how I felt exactly...but vaguely remembering will have to do.

On Easter, I get a text from my sister Connie that my grandma's in the hospital and it's serious. I go to visit my grandma in the hospital the next day and she was the most vibrant and awake I have seen her in the past 2 years. She recognized me, she was talkative, and she was very aware of what was going on. She randomly gave me advice on borrowing money and told Connie stories of how she didn't want to give any of her money to the Viet Cong. The doctor told our family she had one week to live. Her colon had been infected beyond repair and she wouldn't survive surgery. So all we can do is wait. When I heard that she had one week to live, the news didn't process. I didn't understand that my grandma was only going to be alive for one more week and I also didn't believe it. Well my instincts served me right. She's still alive today, but we're still waiting. It's been over a month since we were told she had one more week, so I don't know exactly what we're waiting for. Well maybe I do know and I just can't say it. Funeral plans have been discussed already.

I'm trying to express my emotions here, but it's difficult. I haven't seen her in nearly 3 weeks, I must see her this weekend. It's hard to see her in pain. I want so much to help her, but there's nothing I can do. All I can do is visit her and I definitely will this weekend. Though it's selfish, I like that I live an hour away from my family. The pain is easier to deal with, easier to ignore. But I'm ashamed that I've ignored it too much. My older sister Helen is my grandma's caretaker. And though she hasn't achieved success in her life in the traditional sense, caring for my grandma makes her a much stronger person than I am.

This morning, I admitted something out loud to myself, and that's when I really felt it.

I'm scared.

Previously, I've quickly brushed off any thoughts about possibly not getting into USUHS (Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences aka military medical school). I replaced those thoughts with thoughts of my life in DC, me and David's move across America, and just finally being a medical student. I also replaced those negative thoughts with exercise, preparing myself to pass the physical training tests I'll have to undergo as a military medical student (run 2 miles, push-ups, and sit-ups).

And I think all the positive thinking worked. I received the letter last Friday (2/26), it was dated 2/19. It said that I've been "recommended for acceptance," BUT "there are no spots available at this time." So I'm on the wait list. I actually should have known this was coming because I put the Navy as my first choice and they told us Navy was already full the day I interviewed. I regret not having chosen a different branch and I regret not going to my original interview in November. Oh fucking well, I need to stop dwelling.

So now I wait and pray. I haven't been accepted by any of the schools I interviewed with, and that is why I'm scared. I haven't been rejected either at least. But I'm really scared. I don't want to wait another year to start my medical career. I've already been out of school 2 years, I'm done waiting. Whispering out loud to myself this morning "I'm scared" almost made me cry. But I'm fine now. Now it's just back to waiting and trying not to stress.

"Every time we say goodbye, I wish we had one more kiss."

David said that to me this morning before I left for work. Until he told me, I didn't even know those were lyrics from the Jason Mraz/Colbie Cailat song "Lucky." And we are so lucky. On his end, he never had a real girlfriend/relationship before he met me at the age of 23. On my end, I've never been in a relationship with someone who has become my best friend and from whom I don't have to hide anything. In a very major way, he has changed me for the better. I wasn't sure I could be monogamous before. I always wanted to get married, but I wasn't sure I wouldn't cheat. Though cheating is a choice, it is a choice I felt I was bound to make based on how I thought of myself and other men. But David's changed that. I don't want the attention of other men anymore. David is a great catch, and since he's my boyfriend, that makes me a great catch. The moment I met him, I told him, "you're cute; you are so cute." And now he's my boyfriend living with me? We are so lucky.

I'm really upset right now. And I don't know what else to do but blog. I almost want to cry. One of my best friends says I'm not taking Lent that seriously. And it makes me want to scream. You either cheat or you don't, and I have not fucking cheated. The fucking end. How the fuck am I not taking Lent seriously?

I feel I have changed drastically since Lent started. I jogged a mile without walking for the first time in my life...2 days in a row! I plan to make it 3 days in a row tonight. I'm absolutely positive that my willpower and determination when jogging that mile has to do with my strength in sticking to vegetarianism.

To be fair, this is what my best friend was referring to: my cousin's birthday party was last Saturday and I was starving. ALL the warm food had meat in it except corn on the cob. Pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, shrimp pasta. So I picked out all the meat and gave it to David. For my lent, I didn't want to eat food with meat in it (even chicken broth), but it wasn't a steadfast rule. It was more of a personal choice when I go grocery shopping or order at a restaurant. I know a real vegetarian would have just eaten the corn on the cob. But I'm not claiming to be a vegetarian, I fully admit that I will eat meat again. My best friend might also be referring to the "veggie omelette" I ordered at Norm's that somehow ended up with bacon and sausage in it. That was so not my fault and not even worth mentioning here.

Okay, I've calmed down now. To be even more fair, I don't think I've talked to this friend about how Lent has changed me and how serious I am about it. Now I will.

I did not think that giving up meat would be this easy. It's only day 4, but I'm doing just fine. I'm impressed with my will-power and self-control. I smelled freshly-cooked bacon this morning, and I had no urge to grab a piece.

It's only day 4, but I already feel like Lent is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I haven't really figured out if I believe in God, so I don't feel closer to God, but I feel closer to myself...if that makes sense. I kinda feel like I can do anything I want to do, like I'm deserving of my achievements - past and future. I feel like I'm becoming the person I want to be.

I already like myself in a lot of ways. But there are a lot of things I don't like about me, and I'm not talking about external characteristics or things I can't control. The things I don't like about me are qualities I can control. I wish I were more assertive. I wish I didn't cry so easily. I wish I were more diligent in my study and work. I wish I wasn't so envious. I think if I did Lent a couple years ago, I would have had a much better GPA and MCAT score.

But life happens as it happens, and now I just need to focus all my positive energy on getting accepted into military medical school. I will be a great asset to their student body, and I would be proud to be a physician treating soldiers and their families.

Today is the first day of Lent. I'm not Catholic, I'm not even Christian. But I do have a desire to test myself only temporarily. So the 40 days of Lent is already set up for me, and all I have to do is follow it. I've been talking about it for a month or so now, and I love that I've inspired my friends to participate with me. Lilian is giving up eating out for lunch when at work. Tiffany is giving up chips. And David is giving up soda.

Oh yeah, and I'm giving up meat. Meat as in beef, pork, poultry, and seafood. But I'll still eat eggs and dairy products. Usually for Lent, you're supposed to give up something that you do a lot of and find pleasure in. While I do eat meat everyday and find pleasure in it, there are much worse things I could (should?) have given up. Well, I have one thing in mind, and if you know me, you know what it is (or you can ask). So I'm not challenging myself as much as I could, but this will be a challenge nonetheless.

I chose meat mainly for environmental reasons. I don't know all the facts, but I know the production of meat and seafood adversely affects our world. Another small reason is the Buddhist inside of me, isn't that ironic considering this is a Catholic holiday?

I'm not even through day one yet, but I'm confident I won't have an infraction. I've told too many people to embarrass myself by failing!

Last Saturday, my mentee and I hung out with one of my friends. My friend pointed out how my mentee continuously referenced me, like seeking my approval or just my reaction. She really looks up to me.

Her name is Jenny also. David and I call her Little Jenny. And like me, she's smart and the youngest in her family. I see a lot of me in her when I was her age. Like wanting to show how smart I am and priding myself on being right. Oh wait, that's me today. Haha. She's talked about how people in her family have used poor grammar and made-up words like "funner." I didn't know "funner" wasn't a word until high school! I'm not the only one who sees our similarities, David sees it too. He said he especially saw me in her after this conversation:

Little Jenny and I were talking about a cross street in Santa Ana that we both know.

Little Jenny: Is there a Del Taco there?

Me: yes

Little Jenny: Is there a liquor store there?

Me: yes

Little Jenny: Then I'm right.

Am I that self-righteous?! Haha, I tend to be. But in my and little Jenny's defense, it's because we ARE right. Haha. I think it's great that she has as much confidence as she does considering the circumstances.

I don't really have any regrets in my life. I've made a lot of mistakes, but none of them haunt me anymore. I've moved on, or I'm still moving on.

But at this moment, my one regret is this: I was invited to interview at military medical school on November 19th, 2009, and I pushed it back to January 7th, 2010. Medical school uses rolling admissions; this means the earlier you interview, the earlier you're accepted, and the slots continue to fill.

I pushed it back because the military was not my first choice, and I already had another interview in November and didn't want to request more days off work in the same month.

Then I went to the interview and how my mind has changed. I want to be accepted into military medical school so bad. I don't remember the last time I wanted anything this bad.

So military medical school is free tuition plus $55,000 salary per year. Instead of borrowing $200,000 for 4 years, I'll be MAKING that much. I'm already in a lot of debt and I hate it. So I hate even more the idea of being in debt for the next 10+ years.

I have come to terms with most of the cons (I say most, because I'm sure I don't know the whole story), and some of them have even become pros. After residency, I would have a 7-year commitment as an active duty officer. I could be deployed overseas, which could last from 4-15 months. Then after I come back from deployment, I'd be at the bottom of the list to be deployed again. They could station me wherever they need me, meaning my family would have to move around. On my flight to DC (where the medical school is), I met a nurse whose husband was in the Air Force. And she told me how her kids turned out great and well-adjusted. The 7-year commitment and my 3 years of residency go towards my retirement, and I can retire after 20 years! I'd be 46.

I've always wanted to be a physician who served the community. But with six-figure student loans, it's unlikely I'd be able to do that. With the military, I'd be serving troops and their families, and wouldn't have to worry about loans. And if I can retire at 46, then I can serve in community clinics.

If I were single and not really interested in having kids before 30, then the military wouldn't sound so appealing. But David and I are headed in the direction of marriage, and we both want kids before 30. The military is so family friendly, and married people are the majority at military medical school. I'd miss my family and Southern California, but I get 30 days of leave per year (not including holidays) so I'd visit all the time.

Wish me luck!

2009 Year In Review

2009 was the year of falling madly in love with David and medical school applications.

January

Met David at approximately 1:30am

March

Bought our dog Tao for $299. She's named after the place David and I met.

April

David bought his car: 1993 240 SX we named Genevieve

May

I took my MCAT and scored a 28. I had told myself that I would become a teacher if I scored anything less than 28...maybe it's a sign.

David and I take our first trip together to San Francisco.

June

My nephew Collin Noah Gee was born.

August

David and I move in together.


September

I get invited to my first medical school interview with UC Davis! Then I yell at David for the first time for not coming home to me as soon as I told him the news. His excuse was that he had to pick up his dad because his car broke down. Excuses, excuses!

I meet the VIP that will help me get into medical school. APSA has finally paid off!


October

I go to Sacramento for the first time for my first medical school interview at UC Davis.


My maternal grandmother turns 71! We go to Winnipeg (Canada) to celebrate, my first time back in over 10 years.

November

I interview in Las Vegas for the University of Nevada School of Medicine.

I turn 22. David and I go hiking at Griffith Park, and my bestest friends join me for dinner at Buca di Beppo.

So I'm a mentor to a 7-year old girl whose father was in prison. I asked her if she wanted to go to college, and she said no! She had previously told me she wanted to be a nurse, so I told her today that you have to go to college to be a nurse. And she said, "I don't want to be a nurse then." Aiyah! She's smart in the sense that she said that she's only in second grade and will learn more when she gets older. But good schooling starts now!