In the matter of a few weeks, there have been a series of events that has led to a better relationship between David and me. Before I go on to tell you about these events, it’s important that I admit that I have always thought very highly of my relationship with David. We had never had an argument; we have the same hopes and expectations from our relationship; our silliness and cuteness and level of affection work well together. That second part is the most important: we want the same things and we know what we each expect from the other – that is probably the biggest reason for our success. Some couples don’t even talk about these things. And that’s why people get divorced – the other person didn’t turn out to be who you thought they would be. Ok, I’m just speculating, but I speculate that all divorces have a core of dishonesty (especially dishonesty with oneself). ANYWAY, as highly as I thought of my relationship, there was definitely room for improvement. I’m controlling and I can act more like a scolding, lecturing mom than an equal partner. There are reasons why I morphed into this type of girlfriend – David needed help growing up into a responsible adult, he’s forgetful, and he never talked back. I also just naturally want to be in control…in general, not every specific situation.

So the first event was when my cousin Annie and her friend Debra visited us. We went out to eat at Cattlemen’s (yummy prime rib and twice-baked potato). After David calculated the tip and total for the bill, I immediately (almost instinctively or habitually) asked, “Did you do the math right?” The 3 of them had the same reaction - “Dang, Jenny.” We laughed about it and it remained light-hearted, but it looked bad on my part and it was.

The second event wasn’t a single event, but also a series. After Annie and Debra left, one of my best friends Randy came to stay with me for a whole 8 days. He had work to attend to at UC Davis, so it was like he was our roommate. I don’t necessarily act differently with David in front of people, but I got especially comfortable with Randy. So he saw me be a snappy bitch several times. Yeah, I’ll use the word “bitch.” I’ll even use the words “crazy bitch.” I don’t even remember exactly what the situations were that led to such snappiness. But there were several, and the reaction from Randy was very familiar – “Dang, Jenny” or “Gosh, Jenny.” “Crazy bitch” is an appropriate term to use. I use it semi-jokingly because of course I’m still quite sane, but it’s appropriate because often times the bitchiness is nonsense. It’s not unprovoked but it is uncalled for. Examples: David left the cheese out all day, or David doesn’t look up directions to a place he’s not certain how to get to, or David didn’t make the bed perfectly (when we were getting paid to use our apartment as a model apartment). Sometimes I’m stressed over something else and bitchiness is my release, other times it’s a habitual bitchiness. So Randy’s third-person perspective gave me a lot of perspective. I had recognized before that my bitchiness was unnecessary, and I had apologized to David many times…but didn’t change. After Randy though, I felt so demeaning and emasculating…to a man that least deserved it in the world.

With Randy’s reactions in the forefront of my mind, I was very aware of my flaws. But coincidence wanted to make sure, so then I had a lecture on personality disorders. Dr. Servis (the psychiatrist) told us we’ll recognize ourselves in several of the personality disorders, but that fact alone is very healthy. People with personality disorders are restricted in their coping skills and defense mechanisms. Healthy people have a wide range. Dr. Servis said something to the effect of “you guys might be controlling and perfectionists here in medical school as medical students, but it wouldn’t work so well if you were like that in your relationships.” I thought, “uh-oh.” I left that lecture thinking David and I need counseling, but I really am sane and my insight was enough for us to be healthier.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (not OCD)
•Perfectionistic, constricted, moralistic
•Rigid, formal, emotionally cool
•Driven, competitive, overly concerned with productivity and achievement
•“Workaholic”, unable to relax
•Need to be in control

Dependent Personality Disorder
•Excessive reliance on others
•Permits others to make decisions for them
•Subjugates personal needs to those of others
•Tolerates mistreatment
•Lacks assertiveness, helpless when alone

I resemble the first, and David resembles the second. We don’t fit those to a tee, but I definitely see ourselves in them. I don’t know if David was this way before I met him, I think those traits are specific to his relationship to me. I think I might have made him that way. He’s never been a real boyfriend before…he became the boyfriend I wanted him to be. God that sounds unhealthy. I’m the reason he’s dependent? Wow, it does sound like we need counseling.

And finally, the last event that confirmed what was already confirmed – spending 2 days with a couple that had similar dynamics to David and me. Trying to be as objective as possible, I observed that she had the ability to be a “crazier bitch” than me. Now I was Annie, Debra, and Randy. I felt sympathy for her boyfriend, which is probably what Annie, Debra, and Randy felt for David. The idea that I was the reason for people to feel sympathy for David was repulsive. He literally is always kind to me.

David and I had a great conversation about all this. I told him how I sincerely don’t think he deserves to be snapped at, but I’m going to slip sometimes because old habits are hard to break, so he needs to speak up and talk back to me when I do. It’s made a noticeable difference. I’m still the responsible one and he’s still the sweetheart. But we resemble those personality disorders a little less now.