Another sleepless night in Las Vegas. Ugh. Without my husband and without herbal assistance, falling asleep is very hard for me in my adolescent-hood home. I was able to do it last night in about one hour, but tonight was painfully unsuccessful. There are several reasons for my failure to sleep tonight. I think the strongest reason is that I couldn't stop thinking.

I am probably going to see a former friend tomorrow who I have not seen in 5 years exactly. I've been invited to a surprise graduation party for our mutual friend Ambika and I can only assume this former friend of mine is invited too. She was a fear-inducing friend and I have let myself succumb to this attribute I remember most strongly of her. I fear seeing her tomorrow (well, today). I do not think she will attack me, and I hope she doesn't give nasty stares. But I fear the awkwardness, which is a silly thing to stay up all night for. I'd be fine without talking to her, but can I really get away with that? If not, who starts the conversation? What would the conversation be about?

I think the anticipation has been built up because though we haven't been friends in 5 years, I have an occasional recurring dream of us meeting up again and calling it out directly, "hey, so we're not friends anymore." I hate these dreams because I think they imply that I want her back in my life and that is not true at all. I don't know why I have these dreams, maybe it's because we were so close before and it never feels good to lose a friend. But with her, it felt okay at least.

I also couldn't stop thinking about how uncomfortable my fucking legs are. I have this new skin rash I've never had before and I'm almost positive it's not infectious in nature. I don't know my skin diseases well, but I worry that it's autoimmune. Autoimmune diseases scare the shit out of me - my own body attacking itself? Fuck. It's caused me quite a bit of distress and I think it continues to worsen. I've recognized many times throughout my 3 years of medical school how fucking lucky I am that I'm healthy. Even shit like ear infections don't happen to me. I have acne and some mild knee pain with running - I'll take it. But with this new skin rash, my image of my health has been shaken and I don't like it. It also doesn't help that part of me is hesitant to schedule a doctor's appointment in fear of upsetting my senior resident or attending on my next Radiology rotation. But I gotta do it, so I'll make an appointment ASAP. I need an answer, I don't know what the fuck this skin rash could be.

What's really ironic and annoying is that I was sleepy when I went to bed. My eyelids were heavy and I felt the sensation of sleepiness. But as soon as I got off the phone with David, it went away. I just hope I don't have bags under my eyes if/when I see this former friend.