Whew.

When it rains, it pours.

That's a good phrase. In the span of one month (actually less):

  1. I took my Step 1 medical licensing exam (and did above the national average, just FYI).
  2. David's maternal grandma passed away from an aortic dissection. It was very sudden and unexpected. It was the day before our wedding.
  3. I got married to the one. The perfect man for me. The person who makes life easier.
  4. I went on my honeymoon to Yosemite.
  5. I began my third year of medical school.
  6. I scrubbed in on an operation for the first time, which was the most difficult of that surgeon's career.
  7. And David's paternal grandma passed away last night. 3 weeks after the other grandma. I said to David for the first time, "She was like a grandma to me." She really was.

In 6 days, I'll be attending my 4th funeral since starting medical school, my 5th ever. And somehow, I'm fine. I'm sad, but good. Life is still good, but different without those people in my life. Life's continuously changing, and change scares me a little. But I need to remind myself how adaptable I am...especially with David in my life. "Home is wherever you are," we say to each other.

As for that operation I scrubbed in for, the patient lost 6.5L of blood. Think three 2L soda bottles. She's a very sweet lady with a bunch of medical problems. And I got a text today on my way home that says she had to return to the operating room for bowel perforation. She'll be fine, but she was ready to get out of the hospital (her first operation was 6 days ago). And I feel guilty. It's illogical guilt. I'm just a medical student who doesn't make the decisions or the incisions. But I feel like I represent something much bigger than myself. I represent the team who is taking care of her, the UC Davis Medical Center, the health system in general. I'm really more scared than anything. I'm scared of facing her after what she's went through, because I represent the ones responsible for the things she went through.

I know I'm sounding very self-centered considering she's been through 2 operations. But this is my blog, and I have to be honest. I care too much about what others think of me. Hopefully, with enough training in this very un-glamorous profession, I'll care less and less.

I will end every blog with this, and I encourage you to end all your days with this:

S.I.T.

What Surprised me today? Getting a letter from Cordell in the mail that read in beautiful calligraphy "Mrs. Jenny Phung-Payne." I was also surprised to receive a text about my patient going back in for an operation. I knew she had an infection and her recovery was slow, but I just don't expect/want to believe that something really bad could happen.

What Inspired me today? I was inspired to write this blog entry today when I was very aware of my solemness over my patient and Grandma Betty.

What Touched me today? When David told me it meant a lot to him that I said she was like a grandma to me. And when David told me his half-brother told him "I love you," for the first time since he can remember.