Sigh. My dad has become the most pathetic version of himself I've ever known.

His alcohol use is uncontrollable, his memory is shot. His behavior is inexplicable. I am no longer angry towards him. I pity him.

I hurt his feelings because I never invited him to join me and David in Canada for a make-up Canadian wedding reception. Not only would I like to avoid spending a week with him on "vacation," he's making my mom miserable on a daily basis and he would counteract any joy she'd get from seeing her family. My dad threw up at my Canadian cousin's wedding reception in the middle of the banquet room a few years ago - no one will care that he's missing. Only he does.

He's literally threatening to buy his own plane ticket to Winnipeg. "You and mom don't own the city of Winnipeg, anyone can visit there if they want. What if I want to?" Brrr, that's so disgusting it's giving me chills. I specifically told him that I want mom to be happy when she sees her family and him coming would make her unhappy. "What if mom says I can come if I buy my own ticket?" "Fine dad, if she says that, you can come."

Well, my mom told him no. And he's still going to try to buy a ticket. One obstacle against him is that he doesn't know the dates we're going. But sadly, he's been told twice. The most recent was this afternoon around 3pm. He forgot by 5pm. Not only did he forget the dates, he forgot that he had called me. "I only called Connie earlier. I never called you."

If he genuinely doesn't remember a phone conversation from 2 hours prior, that is very, very dangerous. If my mom goes and finds a 1-bedroom apt or bedroom to rent just so she can keep her sanity (even though she owns half and paid for all of the house he'd continue to live in), he will seriously deteriorate very rapidly. And I've already accepted that. My mom needs to get out. She is living in hell everyday. That is #1 priority for me. My dad's deterioration is not. At this moment in my life, I cannot help him. I cannot take care of him nor pay for him to be taken care of. I will not feel fully guilty for whatever happens to him. He will have a roof over his head, and somehow we'll pay for his food and utility bills. But his mental health is not something I can fix right now. It will take so much time and effort. And I will be the best one for the job with my background. But not right now. I cannot (or will not) give him that much of myself right now.