Update on that angry patient, he apologized profusely. I knew he would. I sensed kindness and decency in him. I can't imagine receiving news that I have cancer with a bunch of medical students standing and watching me receive the news.

I actually have a hard time imagining being a patient. I have seen patients through scary operations, bad news, and just many different trying situations. While I'm as compassionate and empathetic as I can be, I don't really know what it's like to be on the receiving end of the health care I give.

I think the closest I've gotten is when I was with David's family in the hospital for both his grandmothers. I was hyper-aware that I was not part of the health care team, I was part of the patient's family. For his maternal grandmother, the one who died the day before our wedding, we waited around for hours for the doctor to come discuss with us our options. We didn't know for sure when he was coming. We were patient and no one seemed irritated by it. But I don't like the idea of making my patients and their families wait for me without knowing what time I'd be coming, especially when someone is dying.

In the hospital, we round on our patients in the morning. If the family members happen not to be there when the doctor rounds, then you don't get the update from the doctor for the day. Of course they can request to speak to the doctor face to face, but it's not logistically easy.

I know I'm an outpatient kind of doctor. I don't like working in hospitals. It's fine as a medical student while I'm just learning, but the idea that I see my patients for a few minutes in the morning, then don't check on them for another 24 hours, unless I need to, makes me uncomfortable. I think I don't like inpatient because you are responsible for your patients the whole time they are in the hospital. All the decisions you make get done whether it be medications or treatments or procedures. So the outcome is practically determined by you. In the outpatient setting, it is up to the patients to modify their lifestyle and take their medications, I'm really acting more as a consultant and educator. I like that.

Besides being with David's family in the hospital, I've had little personal experience with serious illness.  When my grandma was ill before she died, I would visit her. But I didn't think of myself as healthcare provider since this was before medical school, nor did I understand the healthcare system yet. I also didn't visit her for extended lengths of time.

I've been really lucky with my health. I barely ever get sick. I've had it really easy. Just recently though, a few months ago, I had my wisdom teeth taken out while completely awake. It was hell. So hellish that after what felt like 30 minutes (and it was close to that) working on just one tooth, I started sobbing in the dentist chair...while he was still working on my tooth. I cried intermittently for the rest of the night, I was very traumatized. I think I've been so used to being healthy that I don't cope well with being physically vulnerable at all. I will get seriously ill one day and I better develop coping skills by then.