As my girls hugged me, some said, "You were the best night RA." And I couldn't help but tear up.

I was really lucky to get a suite of girls who didn't cause any trouble, who had a positive attitude, and who were glad to be in COSMOS. I can't wait to add them in Facebook to keep in touch. I have 9 friend requests awaiting confirmation right now. I decided I wouldn't add them until COSMOS was officially over. There is some content on my profile that may be considered inappropriate for COSMOS. We do have a special relationship where I am their RA and they are my residents, and I want to maintain the professionalism throughout the program.

But when Saturday night rolls around, I'll confirm their friend requests and tag them in photos.

Yeah, they were great girls and this month flew by. But it will be over tomorrow, and I must admit I am eager to leave. Not that I didn't love this job, but when something is so near its end, I just want to get it over with.

COSMOS is going to end this Saturday. For those of you who don't know, for the past month, I've been a night and weekend RA for this high school summer science program. I'm taking two classes, and work night and weekends (obviously), and I volunteer on Tuesdays. It's a sweet deal. I'm living in Middle Earth, and all my meals are covered. But it's about to end in a few days...

August is going to be an interesting month. I'm taking 3 upper-division Bio classes. I need 2 of them, and the 3rd is a "what the hell, summer school is cheap for me, and I could raise my science GPA" kind of class. And I'll be volunteering once a week. And then...that's it.

I don't know what I'll do with myself in August and September. No job, no APSA, no research?

Of course I'll be job-hunting. But I see myself working out a lot. My goal is to lose at least 8 pounds by Hawaii (because I gained 8 pounds this year).

By the way, I'm going to Hawaii at the end of September. It will be my first time! I'm going for my best friend Randy's 21st birthday! So much excitement! Before I start a full-time job, I thought I'd treat myself. I guess it's my graduation present to myself. Good job, Jenny, for making it out in 4 years!

In life, there are things you can choose to do and things you can't. In my life right now,

I choose to:

1. NOT call him, text him, IM him, comment on his myspace, or send him a myspace message. Even though I'm so tempted to.

2. Check his myspace page to see if he's posted any new pictures or blogs. And just to see what's up with his life in general (because he sure as hell doesn't update me directly). It's really unhealthy and pretty pathetic. I feel like a stalker.

I can't choose that I:

1. Have feelings for him.

2. Think about him.

3. Want him to change.

I feel what I feel, I think what I think, I want what I want.

I don't like the girl I've become because of him. I emphasize girl and not person, because I'm still the same person. But as a girl, he has made me obsessive and insecure. I feel unwanted.

FUCK! I'm a sexy beast! He would be fucking lucky to have me! Or would he? FUCK! Look at how he's making me doubt my sexiness!

I'm going to try to stop checking his myspace. It only depresses me more. His status today said "_____ is missing her ALOT!!!" Mood: lonely Yeah, he misspelled "a lot." I'd like to think that it's me he's missing and it's me he's lonely for (I think what I think). And I so badly want to call him and ask. But then I realized, if he misses me, HE SHOULD FUCKING TELL ME HIMSELF! And if it's not me he's missing, then I'm so not emotionally prepared to handle that.

Okay, everyone. I'll fill you in and not try to be mysterious/anonymous/stupid.

There's a guy in Hawaii. I've known him for over four years. Ann met him off asianavenue.com (which is now asianave.com, like subtracting 3 letters will bring back AzN PrIdE), and one day when I was over at her house, I used her AIM screenname and we started talking. So yes, I met him off the internet, whatever. Fast-forward 3.5 years, I finally met him in person last October. It was the day after Shocktoberfest, I still had front bangs (which I have mixed feelings about), and I was at the peak of my weight loss. We had a pretty good time together, and a crush developed on my part at least.

Then 8 months go by and it's been an emotionally turbulent 8 months in terms of my feelings for him. We'd go months without communicating, then we'd have 2-3 hour phone conversations. I'm starting to understand him better, his inconsistency, his periods of absence, but it doesn't make sense to me. He doesn't make any sense. He says the sweetest things to me, and I just eat his words up. But then...he'll go MIA for weeks. I tell myself it's a Hawaiian thing, like they're just laid back like that (stereotyping is no good). I partially believe it, but the other side of myself is saying, "Stop it."

Really, Jenny? There are so many reasons to stop, to just say, "Fuck it. Fuck him." Then I listen to his song (he's a DJ), or he'll randomly call or text me. Man, I sound pretty pathetic, to go ga-ga over a call or text.

He lives in fucking Hawaii. What the fuck am I thinking?

I'm thinking his birthday's coming up and I'm eager to mail him his present. And he's supposed to come in August, and I'm going to Hawaii in September, and he'll probably be back in October. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking it'll be amazing when I see him.

Gosh, I want August to come already. One more month. Breathe, don't be pathetic, it's not attractive.

The first ever API Presidential Town Hall was held on Saturday, May 17th, 2008. I had never been so inspired by just being in a room full of people before. Here's a video of Beau Sia that I recorded:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TMHBUSdyhE

It was great seeing you again. As if 8 months hadn't passed.

But 8 months had passed, and I must admit there was awkwardness. We didn't even kiss until 2 1/2 hours into seeing each other. But that was fine, the anticipation was fun. And your kisses didn't disappoint either. After 8 months, I forgot what your kisses were like completely. So I was relieved to find they were yummy. =P

I liked just chilling with you watching TV; it was nice to finally get to see what it's like to just hang out with you.

I like how our bodies mesh well together; I feel very comfortable in your arms.

I wonder if you're thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about you. And I wonder if you like me as much as I like you. These past 8 months have confused the shit out of me, and after this wonderful weekend, I'm even more confused.

More word spreading.

http://www.angryasianman.com/2008/06/gook-john-mccains-racism-and-why-it.html

I have to spread the word.



There's no way he's winning. I can tell the future, if you didn't know. I know Obama is going to be our next president. But I must spread the word just in case I'm wrong. Better safe than sorry.

I don't know what percentage of this country is Christian, but I do know that if enough people see this video, every non-Christian will not vote for him. And moderate open-minded Christians won't vote for him either. Alright. Sleep tight.

This is a post to vent.

As I was trying on powder at a make-up counter with an employee, my sister asks how often I wear powder. I answer "as often as I wear make-up, which averages every other week," and she responds, "you're so lazy." I didn't respond, and if I did, it wasn't a strong comment or else I'd remember it. I held back, because I knew it was another opportunity for me to bigger than my sister. I could have responded (here's where the venting comes in) "You may call me lazy, but I could call you insecure, superficial, and vain." It is partially true that I don't wear make-up everyday because I'm lazy, and it's not the falsehood of her comment that upsets me, it's the fact that she said it in front of a complete stranger as she was doing my make-up. Did she embarrass me in front of the lady to make herself feel better? Did she call me lazy so she wouldn't recognize her own insecurities? She is the epitome of the kind of person who puts others down to make herself feel better. It's funny because she thinks the same thing of me. But I don't insult her heavy eye makeup or her unnatural colored contacts. I don't point out the fact that she's 24 and not yet at a 4-year university. If I do point out her flaws, it's out of frustration with those flaws and not for my own validation. I have recently pointed out to her that it's questionable that she made $40,000+/year and has no savings to show for it. But I pointed that out because I was frustrated with her asking my mother (who makes less than that) for money. Her heavy eye makeup, colored contacts, and education don't affect me, thus I don't point them out. How does my seldom wearing makeup affect her?

I admit, I used to be the person who puts her down to make myself feel better. I can't point out a specific instance, but it does feel familiar that I've mentioned that I'm smarter than her. But I haven't done this in a long time, and I've matured since then. I've matured so much that I don't even think that I'm smarter than her. I acknowledge that she has strengths in areas I don't, and vice versa. I don't even use college education as an equivalent to intelligence anymore. She had her reasons for postponing her education, and that's fine.

I don't wear make-up everyday because I grew up not wearing makeup everyday. While old habits die hard, new habits are hard to create. I also don't feel the need to hide my flaws everyday, whom do I need to impress? To me, putting on makeup serves the purpose of impressing, and I don't need to impress someone everyday. That is where we're different. She feels the need to impress someone everyday. I'm not judging her reasoning, I'm just acknowledging that we're different. Like we're different in intelligence. If I'm mature enough to acknowledge our differences without valuing it as inferior or superior, why can't she?

It's been over a month since my last sad excuse of a post. So I feel like I should explain it. But I won't explain it too much, because I can't reveal a lot of things on this public blog due to various things I'm hiding from people in my life.

I love my mom with all my heart as I've mentioned numerous times before. But my distaste for Vegas is so great that my love for her is not enough to visit. I don't want to say why I'm letting go of Vegas, but I'll describe my feelings about visiting.

I realized that I visited Vegas for a handful of people. There were a handful of people in Vegas I did not want to let go of. But after my last visit during Spring Break, I realized that for one of those people, I was holding on but s/he was not. I've known this for awhile, but I was in denial (hey, that rhymes). I thought that if I kept making the effort, s/he would eventually also make the effort. But it is truly disheartening being in an unequal relationship of any kind. And this cheerful girl will not stand to be disheartened any longer.

And of course, there is him. I often wish that teleportation were real. Because the idea of me going to Vegas to be with him and the idea of him coming to Cali to be with me are not appealing. I long for him when I'm lonely, whenever I encounter the many things in my life that remind me of him. But not lonely enough to drive to Vegas or to ask him to drive to Cali. Just lonely enough to wish we could teleport. I have so many of his clothes, too many. I don't have the heart to throw them away, so they're in a storage box in my cousin's patio. I think I'll give them back to him if he were ever to visit Cali for another reason but me.

My lack of desire to go to Vegas coincides with my true, real, actual singledom. I am actually single now. For real. I have been faking it for the past 2 years, but it's for real this time. I have no idea when I'm going to see him again, and I'm very very proud of myself.

But I'm unhappy. This is unfortunate. I am the kind of girl who needs to have a boyfriend. Rather, has been accustomed to having one for 6 years and doesn't know how to deal. I've done some stupid things in the past few weeks to cope. I won't go into that. Just shows that I'm still growing and maturing, and I still need to learn to love myself more and treat myself better.