Today I passed a picket line in front of the hospital. Reminded me of when I used to picket in undergrad. I even picketed during Lobby Day in my first year of medical school.

What happened?

Medical school has shown me how important it is to my sanity and reality that I be selfish. I used to get excited and put energy into a lot of causes. Now I’m content with just focusing on making my life great.

I consider medical school to have been pretty mild in terms of stress compared to what I expected. While it keeps me well, I have found I can resign to being lazy maybe a little too much. I think med school has also been mildly stressful because I have few major personal problems. Which sounds kind of silly to me considering I’ve been to 4 funerals of close family members since starting medical school, and I got married. One of the reasons I don’t have much personal stress is that I’m shielded from them. My family won’t tell me that someone’s in the hospital or that someone’s depressed because I’m away at medical school. They’re too generous and protective. Even my mom, who is the only person I talk to regularly, doesn’t share with me the darkness in her life. She’s always “fine,” she’ll always be “okay.”

What’s a scary slippery slope for me is that I want it this way. I feel like I know my limits with what I can handle. And I’ve decided I can only handle medical school. I can’t handle the truth of my loved ones struggling. Even when I know partial truths, I don’t think much about it. Maybe my subconscious is not letting me. I allow myself to be this selfish right now, because I tell myself that I’ll be there for them later. I will share more in their lives later.

But what if I’ve already made bad habits? I don’t talk to my favorite cousin, my best friends, or my sister regularly. What if I get content? By avoiding knowing about their struggles, I’m missing out on the good stuff too. I truly want to know how people are doing. I just don’t make it a priority.

So at the picket line today, I walked passed without getting a look at the organization’s name or why they were picketing. They were picketing UC Davis Medical Center – which I feel protective of. I used to fight for the little guy because I was the little guy. But now…I’m going to be a doctor.

I should have found out why they were there. At least just to know. I need to cut down on avoiding things.