Psychiatry Rotation #3 Part 1

After finishing my Primary Care rotation, it was perfect that I had Psychiatry right afterwards. I was president of Psychiatry Student Interest Group during my second year of medical school. I was in Klingenstein Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Fellowship. I've gotten to know many important Psychiatry faculty members. If I applied to the Psychiatry residency at UC Davis, I know I'd get in.

The reason for my interest in Psychiatry is complex:
- psychiatric illnesses are super interesting
- psychiatry is a narrow field with limited medications for me to learn and master
- mental health is very important to me especially after my aunt developed depression with psychosis and ultimately committed suicide
- I see a serious need in providing culturally sensitive mental health care to Asians, which is related to my aunt, but actually began with the Virginia Tech shootings where the shooter was Korean American.
- My interviewing skills are excellent (or could be with more training) and patients can open up to me.
- And the most embarrassing reason was a fear of practicing "medicine."

Sigh. I've gotten over this fear throughout third year, which I need to give myself more credit for. What I mean about fear of practicing medicine is that part of me feels inadequate to ever be responsible for another's physical well-being. Responsible for another's health and life? You can see how that's a little scary, right? But along the way during these past 5 rotations, I found confidence. I also found realism. Everyone in medicine feels inadequate sometimes. No one feels awesome about their capabilities all the time. Yet, most of them just don't let settling be an option. They still strive to excel because that's their nature. I'm finally realizing that that's my nature too. I am a gunner. Not compared to my classmates, but compared to the average person. I will be a 26 year-old with an M.D. That's an above average achievement. I also know my limits. I won't be working in the ICU or ED or doing surgery. I'll just stay in the outpatient setting where people are less likely to die.

I'm also scared of doing procedures. But less so than before. I've made 2 surgical incisions. Sutured a knife wound. Drawn lots of blood. Given vaccines, Pap Smears, rectal exams, lidocaine. Delivered 2 babies. Now I need to try giving cortisone shots.