But then.
We stopped running if we didn't have any place to go; we stopped climbing if we thought we couldn't get any higher. We didn't apply to Columbia because we thought we couldn't get in. We abdicated the throne ourselves, took the crown off, placed the crown down, and stayed in one place. We were sold the promise of satisfaction, we wore the clothes of contentment, and when we were hungry, we ate, and then we weren't hungry anymore.
We fooled ourselves into believeing we had to have something to discover in order to embark upon great search. We fooled ourselves into believing there had to be music if we wanted to dance. We threw on clothes in the morning and tugged our shirts down over ample bellies in the eyes of lovers. We came home not because we wanted to exhale, but because we figured that was the last place to find on earth.
Desire for the sake of desiring. Want for the sake of wanting. Go hungry for the sake of feeling something. Get lost. Strip yourself to the skin, brush lightly against the dip of your stomach, the arch of your back, the mystery of your neck. Be familiar with the terrain of yourself without getting too bored. Leave the clothes on the floor.
Feel without reason, fuck without explanation, search without objective, create without models, write without outlines, love without conditions, read without page numbers, fly without crash targets, sing without sound, fall apart without tape, laugh withough jokes, live without design.
Wake up to a life you love to live.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

You get what you want; that's the scariest thing in the whole fucking world. You spend so much of your time bitching and rhapsodizing, desiring and wanting and panting every three seconds; so the minute it all stops, the minute you find a good real something in your hands, you can't help but start applauding, madly. Everything you want laid our before you? Shit.

"I'm not going to pay $7 for something I'm going to bleed on."--Cheriz...hilarious stuff.

You know when you do something new and exciting and the experience seems almost surreal? I haven't been to the beach in years...so when I saw the waves, stepped in the squishy sand, and felt myself being pulled back by the waves...it didn't seem like I was really there. It felt like I was watching myself do all this...like I was watching t.v. An out-of-body experience you may call it. It was like when I was at the Britney Spears's concert...it was as if I was watching her on t.v. Not sitting there actually watching her. I'm so used to NOT doing anything exciting that when I DO do (doo doo, haha) something exciting, it feels...ethereal. Haha, big vocabulary. I hope I used it correctly. You feel me?

I got my license. My parents won't let me take the car. Asses. I got really pissed cuz they're stalling on buying me a car. Sounds spoiled? You'd be pissed too if your older sister got a car. =P If anyone knows anyone selling a car...call me. Thanks. I want to play counter strike again. Damn dial-up. Pool anyone? ann...=P

I was playing Puzzle Fighter the other day. Remember that game? They use baby versions of Street Fighter Characters...and it's a Tetrisish sorta thing. Man...I miss childhood. I don't want to live forever...but I don't want to die. You feel me?

I was driving over those sewer metal circular things on the street. My dad goes..."What's that noise?" My mom goes "those Ninja Turtle things". Chinese parents...can't live with them, can't live without them. I'm getting my license tomorrow...hopefully. I really hope I pass. I've been looking forward to this day for...15 years and 9 months and one day. Everyone wish me luck. Thanks! Oh...I'm still single. Thanks again!!

I'M SINGLE!!! Tell the world!! *sigh* I miss being single. Well this is only temporary. Me and Emerson drive each other CRAZY!! So we both need a little breather. Last night when we made things official, he said "I'll always love you, you'll make a lovely wife." You can't tell me commitment scares all guys away. What really makes me smile is that he used the word "lovely". How many guys use that word? Well, if anyone knows a guy...hint, hint.

Day by day, Andre's on my mind less and less. What does that mean? Does it mean I care less? No. Does it mean I'm forgetting? *sigh*, maybe. Does it mean I'm FINALLY beginning to grasp the fact he's gone? Yes. I used to think about him every hour. Now...twice or thrice a day. Writing this entry will be my closure. When I go to Orleans, I still expect him to be there. After it happened, but before I found out...I remember I was watching Finding Nemo that day. I looked around the arcade...just to say "hi" and maybe get a game of DDR. I didn't ask about you. I should have asked about you. I'm sorry Andre. Give me a sign that though we weren't close...I still meant something to you.

I've done the right thing but for the wrong reason. By doing the right thing, I righted the wrong thing. Does that make it right? Techinically. Can't I do the right thing without it being for the wrong reason? I'm selfish. So selfish.

Have you ever done the wrong thing even though you knew it was wrong? I know what's right and what's wrong. It's not that I WANT to do the wrong thing...it's just so hard to do the right thing. My conscience tells me "no". I am defying my conscience to do this wrong thing. I am defying my conscience. It hurts to admit it. And you know what the really sad part is? I don't even feel as remorseful as I should. This is the person I've diminished to. *sigh* For what?

First day of work wasn't too bad. My feet hurt though...=T. Like, have you ever been to an amusement park and just walk the whole day and your ankles would hurt so bad by the time you get to the car? Yeah that's how I feel. I like my job though...so far. I'm a party hostess. Remember when your parents would throw you parties at Chuck E. Cheese or something? Yeah that's me. Just one party, and I got $20 tip. That's pretty good. I hope all parents are nice like that, makes my job a lot easer.

I start work today. First job, wow! Damn, I'm growing up. I'm so nervous, I don't want to mess up too bad. But I know I'm going to mess up. Wish me luck everyone. Or at least everyone who reads this. =P. Thanks!!

There's these 2 backpacks. One, I've had for a long time, it's trusty. I know it'll never break. It's been so useful to me...and I love it a lot. I've used it for so long, it'll be hard to not use it anymore. The other one, is new. I can't guarantee it will never break. I can't guarantee it will be as useful and trusty. I can't guarantee that I will love this new backpack. But it looks so nice. I just want to try something new. You should try everything once. Who knows? Maybe this back pack will be as good as the old one. But I can't guarantee it. Should I take the risk of trying this new backpack or should I just be safe and stay with the old backpack? Help me please!!!

Things I ask for every night when I pray:
1) Make sure Andre's happy, because he deserves to be happy.
2) Find my oldest sister, Helen, a husband because she shouldn't be lonely.
3) Make sure my mom keeps her job, I just want financial security.
4) Convince my dad to get a job.
5) Help get me a job.
6) Take care of everyone I care about. I can't handle losing someone else.

Took my first pictures at TIMELESS IMAGE today. Good stuff, good stuff...much recommended. If anyone actually reads this...YOU GET ONE. Learned this cool new card game...I think it's called RATTLE SNAKE. If you want, I'll teach you. I'm not really good. Slow reflexes...BIG disadvantage. But yeah...it's amusing when they make fun of me. "10 seconds later...*slap*". You have to know the game to know what I'm talking about. REGRETS. They're a bitch. Huge burden to carry on your shoulders. Wish I didn't have any. I can wish a lot of things. A LOT. If only they could come true...

Dear Andre,
Life isn't fair. That's what they always say, but that phrase shouldn't pertain to you. Someone like you, someone so special, someone who always makes others happy...you deserve more than fair. You deserve what you give others. I didn't know you that well. To me, you were the hecka cool korean french guy that worked at Orleans, gave me hook-ups on DDR, who always smiled with those cute teeth, who let me choose the music to play in the arcade, who loved some Japanese star named Takako, who drove an Acura with a tyte stereo system, who disliked country music that made you feel like you're in the south. and who watched Disney Channel. Remember Stephanie? She was the girl I introduced you to from Cali. You took us to Wal-Mart cuz you needed ink for your printer. Then you took us to Tea Planet to meet up with your girlfriend Mallory. You asked for Staphanie's screen name but you didn't ask for mine. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but I was too self-conscious to ask for yours. That's one of the reasons we weren't closer. I wish I hadn't been so insecure and just asked for your screen name. Then I wouldn't have so many regrets. I regret not being closer to you. I KNOW you would have been a great friend. Our meetings were few and far between, but you have never been anything but nice. Giving compliments such as these are common in these situations. But Andre, honestly, you are such a great person. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. It's hard to actually grasp the fact you're gone. We never spoke much, but I never thought we would never speak again. Before, I really questioned heaven's existence. Now I pray to Buddha every night, I pray very hard, that heaven does exist because if it does, I know you're there. And no one deserves to be in heaven more than you. I really miss you, Andre. I hope you're happy. I'll always miss you.

Wow...I have had a really good day today!! It's just one of those days where...not too much is happening...but everything that is happening is GREAT! Emerson...my generous hunny baby...bought me a hair straightener that I wanted so badly. And when it came time to drop me off..he wouldn't let go of me cuz I'm going to Florida. Which brings me to Florida...I never go on vacations like this...I don't have that financial luxury. So this trip really excites me..**claps hands**...I'm so excited...=). Oh...and I also got a job!! It's at Crystal Palace. I'm so bored during the weekdays. Finally something to do...instead of sitting around getting fat. Good day...good day.

I got my new cell phone!! About time...I've been waiting for 5 friggin' months. And I need to take a picture of you so every time you call me, your picture will show up. How cool is that? I have come to a conclusion...I am going to attend a junior college in California. I'm absolutely content with that...as long as I can transfer to a UC afterwards. But there is a disadvantage. Junior colleges don't look at your transcript or your SAT scores(which I haven't even taken yet)...so it wasn't really necessary for me to work my ass off like I have. It's not a complete waste...I really do enjoy a sense of accomplishment. But damn...I did all this for college...and now I don't even need it. Blah blah blah...in the end...college is what really matters. Now all I have to worry about is transfering into a UC...hmmm....I'm set. I'm not so scared anymore.

I'm only 15. I feel only 15. But in less than 6 months, I'll be applying to colleges. Why is life going so fast? I'm grateful it's going this fast. I'm soaking up every minute of it. Before I know it...I'll be married to Emerson with 4 children. We'll be living in our $500,000 home(as if the houses will cost the same) and we'll have more vehicles than we need. *sigh* What kind of doctor do I want to be? Hmmm...think about the money Jenny...it's all about the money.

JULIET IS HERE!!!! I haven't seen her in nearly 10 months and I can't believe she's here. It didn't even seem like 10 months. It felt like I was saying bye last month. Juliet is like one of the best friends anyone can ask for. I'm not exaggerating either. Welcome back my love!!

Does anyone actually read this? I need somewhere to vent anyway. I am so unhappy here at home. I just hate being here. I have become so comfortable living at Emerson's and I'm so happy there cuz he's there...and his mom always has food handy. When I'm home, my parents don't seem to do anything but complain, and we never have food here! When I finally get a car, I'll be over there all the time...good for me, bad for my mom. She would like to see my face once in awhile...but whenever I'm with her all she does is nitpick at this and that. 2 more months Jenny, 2 more months(until I get my license).