I wrote the following e-mail to one of my mentors:

"The second thing I wanted to just tell you about is an incident involving a white classmate. This classmate is involved in RAP sessions (Real Answers from Peers), which is a panel of MS2's giving advice to MS1's about studying; this is for all MS1's. LMSA and SNMA* are holding their own RAP session for the MS1's who are interested in LMSA and SNMA. And this white classmate said, "I don't like segregated privilege." I haven't said anything to him and don't know if I will. His comment brings me back to our summer institute. And now I have this internal conflict about saying something or not, and disappointment in myself for fearing confrontation. =T"

*LMSA is Latino Medical Student Association and SNMA is Student National Medical Association, which is focused on the needs and concerns of medical students of color.

And this was her response:

"Finally, I get it about the dilemma about what to say. What do you think he meant? That it's a privilege to be only one of a few whatevers....women, LGBTQ, African Americans, Latinos, children of immigrants, etc. and these groups need to get out of the "majority' group's session whatever support they can, but not have the opportunity to receive from their own gathering things that might be distinct for that particular dimension of identity that is salient to them? Does that mean there should be no AMWA, no AMSA, because there is an AMA? Does he mean that he is not allowed to come to the Latino or African American presentations?

I can't tell you what to say and if to say it. I feel the weight of your calculus, as I have had that decision to make so many times.

What is it you fear in saying something to him? Is that thing worth it to you to not say anything?

Will it be useful to say something, or will it make it worse? Will it be worse only for a time, but worth it in the long run?

Will this person receive the feedback, or is he just toxic?

Is there a way to voice for these impressionable students and classmates that YOU believe there is a place for groups where people feel comfortable, that recognizes that some issues may be distinct to some identity dimensions?

For you personally, Jenny, with your work and whatever emotional load in your life you are carrying, is it worth remediating someone else and the energy that takes? I'll tell you, I should have energy to have conversations with strangers and acquaintances about "the Help" book and movie, but I can't right now.....I just don't have the energy to monitor my responses and what that person needs from me to have it be a constructive situation.

Is this someone you have a special "in" with that someone else might not, and thus he won't receive feedback in a constructive way unless you are the one to give it to him. Is he a friend?

Is he hostile about the topic, in which case, someone has to counter him and not let his daggers go un-neutralized. Someone has to be gangsta about it, just as he was so aggressive and forward...

Is he someone you can take aside and talk to in private, so that it isn't confrontational, and it isn't received confrontationally because you embarrassed him in public.

Lots of questions, Jenny. The answer is "It depends," but yes, you do have a special responsibility, given what you know, and that you are in a relatively privileged class of folks (the unfairl social construction of Asian American) who roll within the academic medical center (more so than say, LGBTQ folks, Latinos or African Americans). It would be a constructive, impactful surprise, coming from you.

As always, Jenny, so many of these things depend on timing. I have missed so many opportunities I thought I should have taken advantage of, given my relative privilege, or propensity or knowledge without privilege, within that context. Sometimes the best thing you can do is think through what you might have said or will say if the opportunity comes up again. Your heart will listen for him and anticipate his comments in similarly charged situations, believe me. Even a question like, "Can you explain more about what you mean when you say that?" is powerful. It takes the silencing power away from an act like his that's meant to silence, intimidate, or even notify others that he is struggling, perhaps seriously albeit sarcastically, with something.

Unfortunately, only you can answer these questions. Make a decision, develop a plan based on that situation, then let it go. There will be a million other times in your life, and this may be one of very few opportunities you were attuned to this dilemma and your sense of responsibility in it, yes? It is terribly important that you answer them for yourself before you are the senior resident, or Attending, or senior medical student....Remember, think developmentally, not just like you only have one chance to make a difference and this was it.

I hope this helps. It's a great question. Please feel free to call if you want to talk more. I support you and am proud of you either way. It means alot that this is on your radar."

A lot to think about. Man, I already think too much.

Ever since I started my Psychiatry class, I've thought a lot of people in my life have aspects of psychiatric illness - myself included. And today, I thought my dad was psychotic. I still do.

Today around noon, I saw 2 missed calls, a voicemail, and a text message. I've received bad news several times this past year through my cell phone, so my thoughts immediately become negative when I see my cell phone blasted like that. I'm usually wrong, but today I wasn't. I see the missed calls are from my dad and sister. The text message was from my sister asking me if I've gotten a "weird" call from dad. So now I dread listening to the voicemail. It was in Cantonese, allow me to translate for you:

"Jenny Phung? It's daddy, today is August 1st [sic] 11:33am. If your dad dies, it'll be at ______ Benito Ave by murder. Do you understand? It'll be by murder, okay?. Don't delete the message, don't delete it. Okay, bye. That's it. Your dad is now (don't know what this means). Bye, bye. I love you, honey. Bye-bye."

Ok, it sounds weird in English that he greeted me with, "Jenny Phung?" But it works in Cantonese, so that part shouldn't weird you out. Of course the rest of it should. When I called him back, I asked him where he was. He was still at that address, that's how he described his location. He didn't want to say "Wendy's house." Wendy's a whore that houses my bum of a father in San Gabriel. I asked him why he doesn't leave if he's going to get killed there. He said he's too drunk to drive (yes, it's noon). I asked him who is going to kill him, and I think he said the "woman's boyfriend." Blah. He told me not to worry about it and study hard.

I didn't think much about it until a couple hours later when I was walking alone for 20 minutes. I felt this very intense emotion that's difficult to describe. The emotion felt visceral, like I had the urge to cry. I kind of fought the idea of crying, because I don't cry for him. I don't think of or feel much for him. But since I couldn't figure out what this feeling was, I finally let myself cry...but I couldn't. No tears came (which says a lot because I produce tears easier than anyone I know). But that urge was still there, that urge to release something inside me, to release that feeling inside me. The closest thing that brought relief was singing with deep breaths. Eventually the singing distracted me from the emotion, and my head was cleared.

If I had to choose vocabulary, I think what I felt was anxiety. Anxiety over my dad's very odd situation, and anxiety about feeling compassion for him. It really throws me off that he said "I love you, honey." It's so fucking weird to me and it really freaks me out. Not just that he said it, but my emotional response to it. So what's very interesting about the anxiety I was feeling was that associated urge for release. That urge for release transformed into an urge for action. It seriously pumped me up. I was walking to the gym, and I got so pumped to run and work out. I also got so pumped to tackle my stressors (aka planning the Body Donor Memorial Service), to just fucking deal with it because I have to face it some time. I've calmed down now, but I have to remember that ferocity I felt. I gotta do this shit!

Anywho, with the craziness of today, I had to call my mom just for the hell of it. I didn't necessarily want to tell her what happened because it could be really stressful. But she actually brought it up. Long story short, my dad's becoming a crazier drunk than he already was and was being belligerent towards Wendy. She wanted to kick him out; he wouldn't leave, and threatened that if anything happened to him, he'd tell his wife and daughters where he is. So that's what that voicemail was about. Basically a threat to Wendy and a desperate plea for help and attention from us. If the situation were more serious and my dad really was in danger, we talk so infrequently that it would be months before I tried to contact him (not counting that I would find out from other family members).

Wendy has 2 relatively young sons that my dad also lives with. Man, their lives must suck. They're getting a worse father-figure than we had.