It's been over a month since my last sad excuse of a post. So I feel like I should explain it. But I won't explain it too much, because I can't reveal a lot of things on this public blog due to various things I'm hiding from people in my life.

I love my mom with all my heart as I've mentioned numerous times before. But my distaste for Vegas is so great that my love for her is not enough to visit. I don't want to say why I'm letting go of Vegas, but I'll describe my feelings about visiting.

I realized that I visited Vegas for a handful of people. There were a handful of people in Vegas I did not want to let go of. But after my last visit during Spring Break, I realized that for one of those people, I was holding on but s/he was not. I've known this for awhile, but I was in denial (hey, that rhymes). I thought that if I kept making the effort, s/he would eventually also make the effort. But it is truly disheartening being in an unequal relationship of any kind. And this cheerful girl will not stand to be disheartened any longer.

And of course, there is him. I often wish that teleportation were real. Because the idea of me going to Vegas to be with him and the idea of him coming to Cali to be with me are not appealing. I long for him when I'm lonely, whenever I encounter the many things in my life that remind me of him. But not lonely enough to drive to Vegas or to ask him to drive to Cali. Just lonely enough to wish we could teleport. I have so many of his clothes, too many. I don't have the heart to throw them away, so they're in a storage box in my cousin's patio. I think I'll give them back to him if he were ever to visit Cali for another reason but me.

My lack of desire to go to Vegas coincides with my true, real, actual singledom. I am actually single now. For real. I have been faking it for the past 2 years, but it's for real this time. I have no idea when I'm going to see him again, and I'm very very proud of myself.

But I'm unhappy. This is unfortunate. I am the kind of girl who needs to have a boyfriend. Rather, has been accustomed to having one for 6 years and doesn't know how to deal. I've done some stupid things in the past few weeks to cope. I won't go into that. Just shows that I'm still growing and maturing, and I still need to learn to love myself more and treat myself better.