This a very odd time in my life right now, in that I've never been so happy with life and so optimistic about my future, but at the same time I'm approaching the saddest event I will have ever experienced up to this point in my life.

As I near the end of orientation, I am so confident and pleased that UC Davis is the perfect school for me. One week ago, I still doubted my ability to be a doctor, I still couldn't imagine myself as a doctor. But now, I am very confident that I will be successful and UC Davis will give me the support I need. I know it will be stressful and difficult, but I know it's going to be wonderful. I am in love with my "big sib" who is so bubbly, nurturing, and very involved. She is the perfect mentor for me. I don't have to worry about being mistreated here because UC Davis is the first to have a policy on mistreatment, and they have made great effort in making us feel comfortable to report mistreatment. I didn't approach my professors much as an undergrad, but they're so approachable and supportive here.

However, as I go through each day of orientation, my grandma's condition worsens with each day. She will pass away soon, and I'm preparing myself by expecting it. Every time I receive a text from Connie or Annie, I anticipate that it will be the ultimate news. It hasn't happened yet. And when it does, I will be devastated. I wish her passing didn't have to be this way - full of pain and fear. I wish she would find peace, I wish she wasn't in pain. And coincidentally, there were several times throughout orientation where the staff mentioned "death in the family" and all the support and accommodations available to me in case of this.

I haven't got the ultimate news. But I got the warning call. Helen was crying. I never see or hear her cry. It makes me so sad. I hope she can be strong enough, but my grandma was her everything. My grandma wanted her and loved her when our own parents didn't.

Two weeks ago I visited my grandma and she was in a better state. She recognized me and seemed to understand that I was going to medical school to become a doctor. When I told her, she stared at me and smiled for several seconds. She couldn't talk because dialysis dries out her voice. But she looked at me, really looked at me, and smiled so sincerely. I am so happy to have that memory of her. I know I was one of her favorite grandchildren after Helen of course. Oh my goodness, I'm already using past tense.