So my family may not be wealthy, and we're surely very dysfunctional (we put the Fung in dysfungctional, hahahaha). But boy, do we take care of each other.

My grandma's in the hospital. I've visited her in the hospital several times in my life, but this is the first time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). When we got there, my family told me that earlier that day, her heart stopped 3 times, as in they had to use a defibrillator. She's such a trooper. So it was my turn to go in, and she was fine, well relatively fine. I was worried that her heart stopping caused brain damage or something, or loss of spirit and soul. But she recognized me and knew who I was. She talked to me about the usual: respecting my elders, if I ate yet, where I'm sleeping tonight.

I could handle seeing the IVs in her and the oxygen tank without being too shaken up. But then she said something that made me cry right on the spot. She said in an apologetic tone, "Grandma doesn't have any lay see (red envelope) to give you." Red envelope has money in it, so my grandma was sorry she didn't have any money to give me. That did it. I didn't bawl, but I did cry. My grandma is not rich at all, yet she still hands me $20 bills every time I see her, which is a portion of her Social Security money.

Sigh. She's old now, not as vibrant as she used to be. As my dad said, her light is getting dimmer. And in her intensive care state, she still worries about giving me money.

Ok, this will be my last time getting high for awhile. I actually didn't want to get high tonight, but my friend spiked the chocolate fondue! So since I already ate the chocolate, then why not smoke out? Hahahaha. Fuck, I hope I don't have to get drug-tested. No more smoking for me. At least not until I get a job. Haha!

So I've definitely come to the conclusion that....I cannot move to Hawaii...not for at least a few months. While the reason could be powerful, feminist, and amazing like "I will not move to Hawaii for a man!" The real reason is much less empowering: Princeton Review only offers MCAT courses through private tutors in Hawaii! And I want to take an MCAT course in a small class. While I was possibly willing to move to another land mass for him despite my family, friends, roots here in Cali, I am now not willing to move because of the MCAT. Hahaha. My grades may suffer because I'm up late thinking about him causing me to be late/absent the next day, or because it's harder to study when you're constantly thinking about someone....I will NOT sacrifice the MCAT for him. My GPA is not near what it should be, so I'm banking on my MCAT to get me through the numbers door in med school admissions.

And now my second point...about not being able to move for a few months. After I take the course and then the actual MCAT, then I'm back to where I was. I am free to go anywhere I want. I'll apply to jobs in Nor Cal, why not? Yeah, I'll miss my family, but I gotta do what I gotta do. So after the MCAT's taken care of, it's back to...I can do whatever I want to do. I can apply to medical school from anywhere in the world. I can get great API health experience in Hawaii. I am sick of being single. (random, I am)

Though I haven't been single for very long, I already don't like it. What's so great about being single? Not having someone to turn to for affection and attention. Going months without sex.

I'm high right now. I don't think I've ever blogged high or drunk. Hahahahaha. Let's see how I pull this off. So far, capitalization and punctuation looks good. So does spelling. Hahahahaaha.

So last night I began my job hunt of non-profit community health organizations who focus to serve the Asian Pacific Islander community. Doesn't that sound super-specific? But you'll be surprised, there were dozens out there, and many were hiring. Oh, by the way, the reason I'm looking for something that specific is because my major was Biological Sciences (which means I'm pre-medical pretty much) and my minor was Asian American studies (which means I care about the people!). Hahhaha. So, in my 2 years off before medical school, I wanted to work somewhere that was health-related and API related. It will show that I'm familiar with healthcare and compassionate for the people. Anyway, so while I was searching API community health orgs, I learned that there are SO many in Hawaii! I had no idea. I never realized I could actually find the specific job I'm looking for in Hawaii! So, running into all these job opportunities in Hawaii, the possibility of moving to Hawaii suddenly appeared to be real. Actually likely to happen.

When he was here, I asked him, "Magically, if I got into UH medical school, would we be together?" And he said, "Yeah."

So, Hawaiian guy, magically, if I were able to find a job in Hawaii...

But this isn't magic, bitch! This could actually happen.

What do you say to that now?

Ok, I'm going a little cuckoo here. So that night, after finding all these job opportunities, I dreamed the oddest dream. I dreamed that he called me, and said something to the effect of, "I was thinking about it, and it's about time you moved to Hawaii. You should start moving your things. Yeah, start moving your things." And I responded, "Okay, thank you. I don't think so. Ok bye." I remember feeling like I didn't want him to ask me. Like I didn't want to move there because I wasn't ready. I remember feeling like this is what I've been wanting, but I've wanted the wrong things.

I don't know him very well. But I'm hoping to get to know him in that week in Hawaii. 1 week together will teach me a lot about how it's like to be with him. Because as of right now, I only have a few hours here and there spread over 9 months. The last time he came and we spent 20 hours straight together was the longest we've ever gone. And to be honest, with you and myself, while some of it was great (like dancing in his arms, the holding hands, the kisses), I actually wasn't very pleased with that weekend. He seems to get annoyed with me easily and often. I mean, I know I'm upbeat, but come on. He seems to get annoyed with me in a way that would make me want to apologize. When I was with Emerson, if he ever got annoyed with me, I would make him feel bad for getting annoyed with me! I like wearing the pants, and with Hawaiian guy, the power dynamic is all fucked up.

So I'm waiting for Hawaii to see if he's worth moving for. Because according to my dream, he sure as hell isn't worth it right now.

My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you.

You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.

P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn't even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

Just an excerpt from "He's Just Not That Into You." Though it doesn't completely apply to me, a lot of it does. I am a superfox!

This coming month is going to be filled with growth, self-focus, and lamenting. While lamenting is quite sad, I think it's a step up from this past month. This past month was filled with uncertainty, insecurity, and frustration. After I saw Hawaiian guy last month, I thought that we could be something. I hoped for it and somewhat expected it. And when my expectations weren't met...I was severely disappointed, which went along with uncertainty, insecurity, and frustration. But this month...I have no more expectations. We can never be something because, well, he lives in fucking Hawaii. And this realization is bittersweet. Bitter because I really wanted us to work. Sweet because if I don't have any expectations, I can't be disappointed.

I'm thinking about him constantly...more than I ever have before. It's probably because I like him more than ever before. Which really sucks since I'm going to have to let him go. I'm still going to Hawaii in September, but then I'll really have to let him go. I should try to start this month...I should. But I don't really know how. And knowing that I'm going to see him in September on the best vacation of my life (I'll make sure of it) makes it hard to let him go.

So I'll just be for now. Talk to him as little as possible, focus on him as little as possible. Which brings me to the self-focus part. Summer Session II ends on September 11th, and I need a job waiting for me when I get back from Hawaii in October. It's 2nd week of school, and I still haven't finished my resume or started on my cover letter. I will complete these things by Friday night if it kills me. I've done a lot of shit and I have a lot of experience, but my resume is wiggity-wack. I've decided to go over 1 page, I don't care what the rules say (which aren't very clear anymore anyway). All my experience is bomb-diggity and worth including in my resume!

Yeah, that's my sexy new camera. It's fucking waterproof. How fucking cool is that? Do I see snorkeling in my near future? Fa sho! I had my old camera for almost 3 years; it would have been 3 years in October. It was still good during the day, but the flash worked horribly (if at all) at night. 3 years is a good run though, it was time for me to move on to bigger and better things.

Well this new camera is smaller actually. But better for sure. It's shockproof too, meaning I can effing drop it, and not have to cry! And sand/dirt-proof, and freeze proof. Beach and snowboarding, here I come! Maybe this will encourage me to go snowboarding because I've never been. =)

My cousin just posted this on her myspace today. This is my dog, Jasmine. I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she's still alive. It's been over a year now. Life is flying by.

Wasn't she a friggin' cutie? I just thought I'd share this picture with you.