I don't post in my blog that often because I write for other people. What I mean by that is I write things I think people will find interesting...and my life's not that interesting.

But I've decided today that I will keep this blog for myself. A lot of thoughts float through my brain throughout the day (thanks to the stimulation of NPR), and I used to reserve those for facebook status updates. But I'm much too deep to limit my thoughts to the confines of a facebook status.

Today, I'm going to write about the new movie An Education. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1174732/

I didn't watch the movie, and probably won't. But it's about a girl who is in her last year of high school (so I'm assuming 17) and her friendship-turned-romance with a man twice her age. And I kid you not, their names are Jenny and David.

As I told my friend Lilian, I don't want to watch this movie because I've lived this movie. And I don't like to be reminded of my past mistakes, because honestly, I find them disgusting. I made so many mistakes while growing up. Not only were there decisions I wish I hadn't made, but I was a person I wish I wasn't. Of course, my unhappy past has shaped who I am today, and to be completely frank, I really like how I turned out. The point is I'm embarrassed to tell you that I started meeting guys off the internet at 12 and only became monogamous this past year. But I should only be embarrassed if I were still that person. And I'm so not. I was a teenager (and pre-teenager) with low self-esteem who sought validation from boys...and men.

I have this superiority complex where I think my relationship with David is the best relationship ever and the standard all my friends should live by (or try to live up to). Of course the tiny logical part of me keeps me from saying this out loud and explicitly, but I do hint at it and give examples of how happy we are. But I'm an adult, and I know this isn't right. I know that all relationships are different and they make it work the way they want to make it work...and I accept that not all my girlfriends want what I want in a boyfriend.

David and I both have our flaws. But we're both really happy because we strive to make each other happy. I think my superiority complex stems from my girlfriends who talk about their boyfriends not giving them what they want - emotionally and financially. Emotionally, David has given his all to me, we both want the same things for our relationship. Financially, we live together, and when you're already at that level of commitment, there should be no financial secrets. He can't provide me with a lot, but he's completely transparent with his spending. I know when he's over-spending and we discuss it. Just because we live together doesn't mean we split everything in half. I give more because I have more to give, and I know he would do the same when the tables are turned.

I have to force myself to hold my tongue when it comes to my friends. If they want to be in that relationship, it is their choice. While the superiority complex part of me says, "but don't they want what I have?" But David and I have a very specific relationship that works for us. When I'm a baby, he babies me. I have more life experience, more income, and more education - which puts me in the position of teacher in our relationship. I definitely get that not everyone wants that.

I've been mad at him, and I've raised my voice. But my sweet, sweet man has never raised his voice at me, which means we still haven't fought. I've heard that fighting is good for relationships because it means you're communicating. I beg to differ. Couples should communicate before the fighting begins.

Right now as I type this, our loving dog Tao is curled up in my lap. Getting a dog together as a couple really does resemble having a child together. There's a deep bond between the three of us that would be very difficult to break. Plus, we named her after where David and I met (Together As One).

Tally of interviews, rejections, and a special third category as of today

Interviews
UC Davis
University of Nevada (Reno)
Uniformed Services University of Health Sciences (Military medical school)
University of Central Florida (Orlando)
UC Irvine (tentative)

Rejections
University of Hawai'i
Georgetown University (Washington D.C.)
Boston University
UC San Francisco
UCLA
Tulane University (New Orleans)

Continue to be reviewed
Penn State
George Washington University (Washington D.C.)

I'm still waiting to be invited by UC Irvine for an interview, but a very important birdie is definitely making it happen. The only rejection that really bummed me out is UCSF, it's a very prestigious school that I hoped to attend. Hawaii was disappointing but expected. What's funny is that UCLA was my dream medical school for most of college, but I'd actually rather avoid living in the craziness of LA.

University of Central Florida called me for an interview. The medical school only has first-year students right now, and I would be in the second class if I go there. But I've decided to think back in the mindset of "I'll go anywhere if it means not taking another year off."

I've been thinking about it for a couple years now. I was about to do it last year, but my dad wouldn't draw it for me. So I decided against it, it wasn't a justifiable need. It was just a want that I couldn't really explain. I couldn't answer the question: "Why do I want a tattoo?" And this week, after seeing a billboard for a tattoo festival in OC, I asked, "Why not?"




So it's my last name in Chinese. It's similar to the Chinese character for "horse" so I was able to use google images to get the calligraphy effect I wanted, and then just had the tattoo artist add the two extra strokes on the left side. It cost $60 and it didn't hurt that bad. I was hugging David the whole time (all 10-15 minutes) and that helped with the pain. My head was turned to the left mostly away from the tattoo gun, but when I turned my head to the right and was able to see the gun, the pain was much worse. I did cry, I admit, but it wasn't solely from the pain. The pain opened the tear ducts, but the tears flowed from my love for David. It felt so nice holding him, and digging my nail into him when the pain was at its worst.

My sister's first tattoo was this as well, so I got the idea from her. It's the best tattoo I could get with the question "Why do I want a tattoo?" It would be harder for me to defend a lotus flower or whatnot. But my family's name will always be my family's name. And I think my other cousins are going to get this tattoo also...and that'll just be rad. Like the Phung/Fung clan. I eventually want to get my whole Chinese name continuing below my current one. It'll be hot.

I've never been as relaxed at any point in my life as I am now. I'm only working 27 hours a week (money's tight, but I'll be fine). I don't have midterms or finals. I already took my MCAT. My primary application for medical schools is submitted. My secondary applications have been submitted. All my letters of recommendation are completed.

I have a lot of time on my hands. I haven't had free time since I started college. Not like I do now. I find myself on the internet a lot or watching a lot of TV. And it's nice.

But now the question arises...could I be doing more? Am I happy with inactivity?

The answer is no. I'm not happy living a life just for me...only concerned about money and medical school and my boyfriend.

I decided to volunteer as a mentor to a child with a parent in prison. I've been interested in this program since my first year at UCI, but never got around to it. Now I have the time and no excuse. What's special about this activity compared to all my activities in college is that it's not going on my medical school application, because that's already been sent in. This is one of my first truly selfless acts. Well, is anything truly selfless? I'll leave that up to Cordell to analyze. http://makingsenseofall.blogspot.com/

I haven't had a confrontation with a friend in a very long time. And I just had one with one of my best friends. The argument was through AIM and my heart was pounding the whole time while keeping my cool. I didn't blow up, all my statements and responses were calm, even though this is AIM. I hoped that she would feel my calm, and understand I didn't want to fight with her.

I fight with my sister all the time knowing we'll get over it eventually. But it's different with friends. It's not as easy to act like nothing happened. The issue has to be addressed. And my friend just addressed it. She said we're like sisters, we bicker, and we get over it. I've had trouble in the past thinking of my friends as sisters. But after my friend's comment...it feels right now.

I don't have many friends. I just have a few best friends. And they're so great, so special. They're people I feel privileged to know, nonetheless have as my best friend.

My first medical school interview

So I've been to SF a few times, and you know how you take the 5 to the 152? Well, this time I was going to Sacramento, and all you have to do is just take the 5...all...the...way. So when we past the 152, I said to David, "Whoa, I've never been past the 152 before." And that's when I realized that I was getting closer and closer to Sacramento...closer and closer to my first medical school interview. Boy, was I nervous. My heart was pounding so hard that I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my head. And this was just while driving on the 5. To calm my nerves I thought about that VIP I mentioned a few posts ago. He told me to believe in myself. Words that we hear all the time, but they have so much more meaning coming from him. And I also thought about my mom, and how I need to become a doctor for her. Then Jason Mraz's "Make It Mine" came on to remind me that everything I want is mine to take.

Listen to your voice
The one that tells you
To taste past the tip of your tongue
Leap in; the net will appear

I'm gonna make it mine
Yes I'll make it all mine

My heart didn't pound so loudly again. Luckily both my interviewers were really nice, which put me at ease. My faculty interviewer is a pediatrician. I thought, "Score, we both relate to working with children and their patients." And I think it helped. He was able to draw a conclusion about me that I want to influence policy as a physician. Then he warned me that my priorities might change as time passes, as in my patients will become my priority. That is why there are so few politically active physicians. At the end of the interview he added, "I just want to let you know that conservatives do care." I'm afraid that implies he is a conservative, but he found my opinions interesting nonetheless.

The student interview was a breeze. He was a progressive Latino, and I told him I'm all about social consciousness and diversity.

UC Davis seems like a great medical school. The whole school is all about supporting each other and social responsibility. And the school itself is next to the medical center, unlike UCI. If I don't feel the same sense of camaraderie and pride at the UCI interview, then I'll seriously weigh the convenience of UCI to the greatness of UC Davis. I haven't been invited for an interview at UCI yet...but I likely will. It would be so convenient if I get to stay in Irvine with David, but we'll see.

O Canada

Last week I went to visit family in Winnipeg, the capital of Manitoba, a province in the great country of Canada. It has been 11 years since I last visited Winnipeg, and 3 years since I last saw that side of my family. There were a lot of new cousins I had never met before. There were at least 50 family members, who are all relatively close. I love having such a huge family. I couldn't find the words or the reason to express why I love it. I said, "it's like you never run out." And my sister laughed at me. But I almost mean it literally. In this recession, hearing about all these people being laid off and losing their homes, family is the only thing keeping you from being homeless, because unemployment benefits only last 6 months. It's not like I'm anywhere close to being in such a situation. But if you have a small family, and they're all unemployed...then what?

So we went to Canada for my maternal grandmother's 71st birthday (I know, it's a random age). She was so happy the whole weekend...literally hundreds of people gathered for her. I was only there for 4 days, and didn't get much chance to talk to her. But on the night before I left, she pulled me aside, and we had a deep 10-minute conversation. She did most of the talking, as if she wanted to teach me 21 years worth of wisdom to make up for the fact we only see each other a few times a decade. She reminded me of several things that I have chosen to forgotten. She told me how important family is, and to never let arguing keep us apart. I hear a lot about white people and how they don't speak to their family members anymore because of some falling out. I think that's what she was referring to...how she isn't estranged from anyone in her family. She told me how she helps out her family wherever she can, even relatives from her late husband's side in Vietnam.

Then she addressed the anger issue. Somehow, though she barely ever sees me, she knows how angry I get with one of my sisters. She told me that when I feel the anger rising inside me to hold it in, shut my mouth...and then the anger will subside. She said that if I speak out of anger, I will regret what I say, and I won't be able to take those words back. She was reasonable at the same time; she wasn't telling me to be a doormat. She said if my sister is truly wrong, I should address it at a later time when my anger has subsided. Common sense...but I needed to be reminded.

Lastly, she talked to me about how I treat my other sister. "You can give her money, and she'll be happy for a little bit, but if you yell at her, the pain will last forever." The giving her money part might be referring to the fact that I plan on taking care of her when I'm older. I talk down to her out of annoyance...but her cognition level is what it is, and I need to be more patient about it.

I cried when I left for the airport. That side of my family is so fun, I miss them terribly. I definitely want to visit more frequently. Fin.

A few weeks ago, around the time I was completing most of my secondary applications, I couldn't imagine myself going to medical school and becoming a doctor. Not that it's not what I want, but I couldn't imagine it in the sense that it didn't feel real, like it wasn't going to happen. I think it's because I'm a realist/pessimist, and I think that's because I don't have huge self-confidence. My GPA's not great, my MCAT score's not great, and some schools have as little as 1% acceptance rate. I was filling out secondaries and shelling out hundreds of dollars for them just because I knew I should. I wasn't going to give up now. At least I tried.

Then when I received a personal e-mail from the University of Nevada Reno asking for a secondary, I looked up the statistics. They interview everyone who applies, and in 2008, they admitted 1 in 3. I felt a little bit more confident. I have a good chance of getting in somewhere, and an interview will be my chance to shine.

Then one of the most unbelievable moments of my life occurred this past week. I open my e-mail inbox and the sender is UC Davis, and the subject line read: Applicant Congratulation Email. I started saying, "no way, no way." As I zipped through the first sentence of the email, I spotted the words, "invite...interview." I started panting, gasping for air. Even my roommate came in to check on me. Reliving the moment in this blog even makes my heart race. Again, I looked up the statistics. In 2008, 3700 applied, 470 got interviews. I am one of the 470! Me?! It's my chance to shine!

Then yesterday, I met someone who might just change my life forever. I won't say his name, but he is a very important person. He's retired now, but he has all the influence he had when he was working for UC Irvine. His influence exceeds UC Irvine though, I think he has influence everywhere. The schools Drexel and UCLA came up in our conversation. I can't be too specific about our encounter or else it'll give away his identity. But he's expecting a call from me to arrange for us to discuss my future in more detail. He wants my MCAT score, list of all the schools I applied to, and my personal statement. He has a 100% track record in getting students into medical school. There hasn't been that many students, but that makes this experience all the more special. He's going to take me under his wing. How privileged am I.

So now I am more excited about medical school than I have ever been. Excited because it's possible. It never seemed that possible before. I want this now more than I have ever wanted it before. I want it because it's in my reach, and I will do whatever he tells me to do so I can reach it.

And in return, he asks me to bake him an apple pie from scratch independently. No problem, sir. It'll be the best applie pie you have ever tasted.

I'm just on a blog frenzy. I forgot that I wanted to write about my parents and their entertaining ways.

My mom said to David, "did you lose weight?" And then she asked, "do I look like I lost weight?" And of course David said yes. And my mom stood up from her chair (we were at a restaurant), and did a curtsy. A CURTSY! I love it!

There was a large Latino man bouncing in his car with hydraulics. My dad cracked up for a few seconds, and when he was able to catch his breath, said in English, "I like it." Then a few moments later, he clarifies "I don't like the car, I like the fat guy." No homosexual undertones, I think he just found him amusing. Then on our way up to Vegas, he asks if I have Michael Jackson. And I tell him no. And he says something about how that's good music and kinda sings the words "beat it."

It's been a very long time since I spent quality time with either of my parents. I don't know how I'm going to tell them I'm moving in with David. They're not going to like it. I plan on telling them how I'll be saving money, which is the main reason. But I already know they're going to say, "I'll pay for your rent!" Like they can afford it.

Life would be so much easier if they just let me do my own thing. Which they do for the most part. I told them that if I don't get into medical school, I want to become a teacher. And they reacted like it's the worst profession I could have chosen. What about the value of education? I do want to become a doctor though; I really want to live comfortably. Of course I'm not telling medical schools that. Ok I'm done blogging.

I've completed and submitted 6 secondary applications so far. I deserve a pat on the back, and since no one's around, I'll do it myself. Haha. I should be working on my 7th one right now, but the essay has really stumped me, and I just feel like taking a break and blogging. The essay question is:

1. Describe a situation in which you were really stressed. Tell us how you dealt with it. Please detail your reaction(s), and how it affected you. If this situation, or a similar one, were to happen again, how would you handle it?

I'm having trouble with this question because I can't think of a stressful situation! I'm almost wondering if I should make one up. Maybe blogging will help me brainstorm. Okay, it hit me. I'll write about the incident I wrote about in my last blog about my student scratching me. Maybe. Yeah, okay. Sounds good.

Now that's taken care of I guess I'll write about my boyfriend. His name is David Andrew Payne and we've been together for over 7 months, and I'll be moving in with him very soon. He's a very sweet and very cute guy who is constantly trying to please me. I'm his first real girlfriend and he tries his best not to do anything that will cause me to leave him. Our silly, cutesy personalities mesh together so well; it's nauseating to some people. We are still excited to see each other every time we're apart. It's been 7 months but we're as giddy as we were in our first month of dating.

When we first started dating, I had to do some soul searching. I felt like I owed it to Asian men to marry one. Like I shouldn't be one of those Asian girls who have been brainwashed by the media into thinking Asian men aren't attractive. He also never had sushi or pho before, and doesn't take his shoes off in the house, and didn't use chopsticks very well. But he was open to all of it. I don't know if I'm brainwashed by the media, but I got over it. He's open-minded and supports me in my Asian American activities. I've taken him to Kollaboration, APAAC, and Sketch Comedy Show for crying out loud. I've come to terms with it: I'm in love with a white guy. Now all I seriously think about is if our children will be the good-looking hapas or the not-so-good-looking hapas.

I've been working as a behavior interventionist (I'm really just a tutor who has to deal with maladaptive behaviors) to children with autism for nearly 9 months now. While I've gotten annoyed/frustrated with certain students and their behaviors (like tantrums), I've never broken down. But last week, for the first time, I almost cried during a therapy session. It's this one student N who has limited language and communication skills, so she expresses her unhappiness by scratching me. This has been going on for about 6 months now, and it sucks, but I've always dealt with it pretty well. She scratches me for various reasons like not wanting to do unpreferred work or when I block access to desired toys. But last week, she attacked me because I cleared my throat. She has done it before, and I try to avoid clearing my throat. But naturally, when you want someone's attention, you clear your throat. So when I wanted her attention, I cleared my throat out of habit, and she got to me. We've been trying to think of strategies to prevent the scratching, and one strategy is to tell her to turn around and sit down (simple I know, but very very difficult). So last week I cleared my throat, she got up, and I yelled (yes yelled) at her to turn around and sit down. She didn't comply and settled for pulling my ponytail. A lump started forming in my throat, and I started tearing up. She came at me again for whatever reason and I was so disheartened that I let her scratch me and told her to sit down in a broken voice. Her mom was there and so was my supervisor. They were both cool about it: the mom said I'm allowed to clear my throat and my supervisor wasn't disappointed in me. I think I cried because I lost my cool and yelled, in front of her mom and my supervisor nonetheless. I kind of felt like a failure. I am often scared to come close to this child, and that is giving her the power. My yelling is also giving her the power, because she sees the influence she has on me and knows she doesn't have to comply. This is such a difficult case, and I hate that she sometimes has power over our therapy sessions. She is 6 with autism for goodness sake.

It's funny. A few months ago I realized I rarely have bad days at work. I can pinpoint 2 bad days and those were both parent-related. Whenever my boyfriend asks me how work was, I always say good. My job is pretty great. It's super rewarding and I feel very appreciated. Tantrums can be a little stressful, but I don't mind them too much, because I know I'm leaving after a couple hours. But this past situation with N was the first time a child caused me to have a bad day. I still love her and her family very much. I just want her to get over this behavior for my sake and hers. It's not like she can be an adult scratching people whenever they clear their throat.

I must mention that I do not have it nearly as bad as the other tutor who works with N. The other tutor has bled during session on several occasions, and I saw the scars. I respect that tutor so much because she's still positive and still loves N. And N's behaviors are at least three times worse with her for almost every session. We take data on how many times N has a behavior. I've gotten up to 11-15 for scratching on a bad day, and the other tutor has tallied up to over 30.

Ok. I've been busy. This is my first night surfing the internet at my leisure in weeks. I've been meaning to write about this since January 1st, 2009.

So this past New Year's was the best of my life. And the countdown was probably one of the most memorable, powerful, inspirational 5 minutes of my life. So I was dancing to my heart's desire, loving Armin van Buuren, enjoying the music and the people and the positivity around me. Then I hear Obama's powerful voice penetrate through my mind and body: "TONIGHT, IT BELONGS TO YOU." I could have cried at that moment. Looking back on that moment now (sober, by the way), I almost want to cry. They repeated that line several times throughout the countdown. The actual line is: "But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you." It was from his victory speech in Chicago on November 4th, 2008, and there are no words that would have been more perfect for the occasion. Besides having campaigned for him and his victory really feeling like my victory, it was the night of New Year's Eve, and I was at a massive party with 50,000 other young people who have their whole lives ahead of them. Tonight really did belong to us.

Then I realized something. The 2008-2009 New Year will probably be the most important New Year in my life. 2008 was the historic Presidential race. And 2009 will be the beginning of the historic Presidency. In his one week in office, I am more proud of him than I have ever been. He is not letting America down. I am sublimely happy that he is living up to his word. This is history, baby. And we're living it.

Watch this video. It gives me chills. You only need to watch the first half to understand my amazement.



One of my close friends voiced their concern of my "morals." When she said she worried about my "morals," I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. At first, I thought "sex?" But no, she said raving. Before I look up the definition of morals, I define morals as your conscience and how you choose to treat others. A moral person is a good person, and an immoral person is a bad one. I think I am a freaking good person. If there is a heaven, I'm getting in. My personal life choices and what I choose to do with my own body does not make me an immoral person. Ok, dictionary.com's definition of morals: of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical. I guess it depends on what you and I consider to be right or wrong. Raving in and of itself is not wrong at all, it's just not meant for everybody. As for the rolling, I can't see how that is wrong either. It is illegal, yes. Dangerous, it can be. Artificial, yes. But wrong? No. I don't see how it is much different (in theory anyway) from alcohol. I know you read my blog, and it's something I wanted to address in my blog, so that is why I am not telling you this personally. You specifically said morals, and I am telling you, my morals are fine.

To all my friends and family who are concerned for my safety, I truly appreciate your concern. Raving is not adversely affecting my life. I am still Jenny. I am still as responsible as ever; I've even been studying for the MCAT more. I just do something occasionally for fun that's unconventional. Occasionally is the opportune word. I'm seriously not raving again until March.

Since it's January, I suppose it's time to check on my resolutions of last year. Oh dear.

1. Lose 20 pounds. Nope, didn't happen. But I didn't gain any weight either. Eek.

2. Graduate with at least a 3.5. WOOT! Go Jenny. I actually graduated with a UC GPA of 3.541 (doesn't include my 3.9 GPA from UNLV)! Barely made it, but I made it!

3. Get at least a 3.5 in my remaining Bio Classes. I got a 3.395. But hey, that's not bad! I don't think, anyway. That was my first time calculating that since I graduated...well ever.

4. Pass the CBEST. Not applicable.

I don't think I'll make resolutions this year. Because they're so damn obvious in my life right now. Study for the MCAT. Kill the MCAT. And maybe become a lead tutor at work, which is just a raise. Whatevs. No resolutions this year. Just be bomb diggity.