I've been working as a behavior interventionist (I'm really just a tutor who has to deal with maladaptive behaviors) to children with autism for nearly 9 months now. While I've gotten annoyed/frustrated with certain students and their behaviors (like tantrums), I've never broken down. But last week, for the first time, I almost cried during a therapy session. It's this one student N who has limited language and communication skills, so she expresses her unhappiness by scratching me. This has been going on for about 6 months now, and it sucks, but I've always dealt with it pretty well. She scratches me for various reasons like not wanting to do unpreferred work or when I block access to desired toys. But last week, she attacked me because I cleared my throat. She has done it before, and I try to avoid clearing my throat. But naturally, when you want someone's attention, you clear your throat. So when I wanted her attention, I cleared my throat out of habit, and she got to me. We've been trying to think of strategies to prevent the scratching, and one strategy is to tell her to turn around and sit down (simple I know, but very very difficult). So last week I cleared my throat, she got up, and I yelled (yes yelled) at her to turn around and sit down. She didn't comply and settled for pulling my ponytail. A lump started forming in my throat, and I started tearing up. She came at me again for whatever reason and I was so disheartened that I let her scratch me and told her to sit down in a broken voice. Her mom was there and so was my supervisor. They were both cool about it: the mom said I'm allowed to clear my throat and my supervisor wasn't disappointed in me. I think I cried because I lost my cool and yelled, in front of her mom and my supervisor nonetheless. I kind of felt like a failure. I am often scared to come close to this child, and that is giving her the power. My yelling is also giving her the power, because she sees the influence she has on me and knows she doesn't have to comply. This is such a difficult case, and I hate that she sometimes has power over our therapy sessions. She is 6 with autism for goodness sake.

It's funny. A few months ago I realized I rarely have bad days at work. I can pinpoint 2 bad days and those were both parent-related. Whenever my boyfriend asks me how work was, I always say good. My job is pretty great. It's super rewarding and I feel very appreciated. Tantrums can be a little stressful, but I don't mind them too much, because I know I'm leaving after a couple hours. But this past situation with N was the first time a child caused me to have a bad day. I still love her and her family very much. I just want her to get over this behavior for my sake and hers. It's not like she can be an adult scratching people whenever they clear their throat.

I must mention that I do not have it nearly as bad as the other tutor who works with N. The other tutor has bled during session on several occasions, and I saw the scars. I respect that tutor so much because she's still positive and still loves N. And N's behaviors are at least three times worse with her for almost every session. We take data on how many times N has a behavior. I've gotten up to 11-15 for scratching on a bad day, and the other tutor has tallied up to over 30.