I woke up from a nap to a dark, empty apartment. And I felt so alone. Sleeping with my bedroom door open doesn't help the lonely atmosphere either. If it were closed, then maybe, just maybe, someone was on the other side. Usually I dread waking up from a nap in someone's presence. I don't want them to see me as lazy or unproductive.
So it was weird feeling so alone. I can't remember ever being so conscious about my loneliness. I had a strong urge to call him, an urge I haven't felt in awhile (over a week, at least, which is awhile for me). But I decided to blog it instead.
While some people have fear of commitment, I have a fear of loneliness.
But the freedom of my new single status made itself very apparent last night at our first party in our new apartment. Nothing happened, but I was free to let things happen if I wanted to.
I have been through enough to know that I don't want slutdom through my freedom. But I am my own person now, an independent individual if you will.

You know what I miss? I miss summers in Vegas. Warm nights and great friends. And pictures worth a thousand words. Drunken parties and dance floors in family rooms. I don't know when I'll be visiting Vegas this summer, if I'm visiting at all. I need to cross that line. That line between dwelling on the old life I had and enjoying the start of my new life. I still feel very connected to Vegas. But I need to let it go. If I keep on considering it my home, and thus my heart, I'll never be happy here. And I'm going to be here for a very long time. Every time I go to Vegas, I never want to leave.
I guess I'm not ready to start a new life. I'm just a baby. I don't want to grow up, to be responsible for myself. I don't want to let go of Vegas.

I can feel the white hair growing.

Tuition is due in a month, and I don't know where or how I'm getting the money.


I finally mustered up the courage to do the right thing for the one I love. And now I spontaneously cry when I hear Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." When I think of how he said "I tried...I tried to keep you," I break down in tears. It's bittersweetness I feel. I miss him so much. I wonder what he's up to, how he's doing. I miss his arms, that nook in his armpit that my head was made for. I miss how he imitates Stitch. I miss how good he is with Jasmine. I miss his belly, and the birthmark on his toe. I miss how good he was to me, and how good he was for me. He would do anything for me. I smile at him adoringly in a way I'll never smile at anyone. I miss how he wipes my tears and say "pixie dust" and pretends to sprinkle dust on my face.



But I finally let go of my security blanket. And for the first time in five years, I don't have all that I'll miss. I have the memories. And they're going to help me through this trying time. They're going to remind me why I did this and why I have to do this. And though it hurts to hurt someone you love, I, Jenny, am now a stronger person.