David's phone had a glitch, and he has been receiving e-mails from years ago. I have very little memory of this, but I guess I e-mailed him my personal statement for my medical school application 4 years ago. This was my second personal statement for my second round of applications - I never had to use it. I got accepted into UC Davis at the last minute. But boy, was it wonderful reading the writing of the Jenny from 2010.

My grandma fell seriously ill this past year, and it has been one of the most difficult times of my life. Her doctor told my family and me that she wouldn’t survive the surgery that could treat her advanced intestinal infection; so all we could do is keep her comfortable as possible. My grandma does not speak English so I stay with her at the hospital on the weekends as her translator. I’ve witnessed her in pain for several hours of the day; I’ve had to explain to her that she is not allowed to eat when she tells me she is hungry.  This experience has matured me immensely and strengthened me emotionally. I feared seeing my grandma ill in a hospital bed; I also feared the responsibility of being the one by her side all day. As difficult as it was to take care of my grandma in her condition, I had to find the strength to be there for her as her granddaughter and translator. I chose a career in medicine before my grandma fell ill; but after caring for her this past year, I feel more prepared for a career in medicine. I feel more prepared to handle people in pain and I feel more prepared to handle death. With my grandma’s infection being so advanced, the doctor has warned us we can lose her at any time. With that thought in the back of my mind, I am still there for her. That is the kind of physician I plan to be: one who is there for my patients and accepts that not everything is in my control.

I also plan on being a physician who is open-minded, culturally sensitive, and politically active. These qualities represent my passion for diversity and service. Everyone should have access to healthcare, yet the people who are most underserved with the least access to healthcare are low-income and minority communities. I believe diversity among healthcare providers will lead to more medical services to these communities. Cultural sensitivity is also a necessary quality as a physician because my ultimate duty is to care for those in need – ignoring any prejudices or stereotypes, and respecting the unique backgrounds and struggles of my patients. I also plan on being a politically active physician because I am a politically active person. My activism as an undergraduate consisted of several rallies, petitions, and initiatives to increase student diversity, seek social justice for the university’s labor unions, bring ethnic studies to the university, and more. Our nation just made its first steps to reforming what had been a broken, ineffective healthcare system this past year, but there is more to advocate. I would advocate for government-funded programs that specifically target the health of low-income and minority communities. These programs could include comprehensive family planning to prevent unwanted pregnancies and providing the information and support for patients to incorporate preventive health care in their lives. I would also promote precautionary screenings in specific communities of color, like heart disease in African-Americans and hepatitis B in Asian-Americans.

I’ve been active in many different areas: education, community organization, student leadership. Those activities have built the foundation for how I want to live my life; I want to live a life for more than just myself, a life of service, a life that matters. I could achieve that life with a career in any of the different areas I’ve been active in, but I have chosen a career in medicine because of my deep respect for life and for living. I know that life is temporary, but that is what makes it precious. I want to channel my appetite for living by treating patients and prolonging their lives. Being healthy is the most basic component for quality of life; and I want to provide healthcare. I want to provide my patients with the most basic component for their quality of life.

My paternal grandmother died the day before my White Coat Ceremony. David's maternal grandmother died the day before our wedding, and his paternal grandmother died a couple weeks later.

And now my maternal grandmother has died - the day before I start residency. David and I no longer have living grandparents.

Four grandmothers lost in four years. And all during important life events. Timing is a funny thing.

There is something about the loss of my maternal grandmother - my Po Po - that feels different this time around. I do know what that something is. It's the legacy she left.

I am not exaggerating when I say that my Po Po exuded pure joy, love, and positivity all the time. I am not exaggerating when I say that I do not know a kinder, more generous heart. She is the cream of the crop of human beings and now she has passed away.

But her legacy lives on in our family. My mom's side of the family is a jubilant, loving, generous bunch. They are a pleasure to spend time with and I mean that for all the dozens and dozens of them. And it all trickled down from the top.

In the end, it does matter that people visit you in your last days. It does matter that people attend your funeral. Meaningful relationships are what make life a worthy life. And my Po Po's life was worth so, so much.

Her personality was full of life. That is why I could not believe, even with my clinical background, that she would pass away so soon. It wasn't just denial and wishing she would live longer, it was because she lived and loved with so much oomph. I did not think it would only be a few more weeks. But I was so lucky to be able to visit her twice in those last few weeks. Especially her last week.

I frankly went to Winnipeg a little begrudgingly the second time. Not believing she was that close to death, I thought buying tickets to fly out the next day was somewhat wasteful. But we went, and it was one of the most grateful and memorable experiences I will ever have.

We arrived on Tuesday 6/10/14 in the evening. She was alert and conversant, but significantly weaker than she had been 3 weeks prior and now whispering. She was able to take pictures with our Uncle Pak. On Wednesday morning, I was able to show her my medical school yearbook, where I included pictures of her and my mom from our wedding in Winnipeg the year prior, as well as my Bak Fu on the American River. I was able to ask her if she liked David better with or without a beard, and she was able to tell me without a beard. She was able to tell the pastor that she wishes for god to take care of our "good" auntie. Then on Wednesday afternoon, she would not really be able to talk again.

David and I spent the night in the hospital Friday night, and we were so grateful for that night. We comforted her when she needed comforting (she liked being petted). We were just there for her. David and I held each of her hands, we kissed each other in her line of sight, and she turned her head as if in response. The first time we saw her move her head in days. The ambience of the room was very peaceful because it was lit by a lotus flower lamp brought by the Buddhist temple, which changed colors every minute or so. She also appreciated having a picture of Buddha in the room. My aunt came at 11pm to bring us snacks and dessert. While I was in the washroom, she said thank you to David and hugged him, crying on his shoulder. Then I joined in on the hug. I laid my head on her pillow and just cried...knowing goodbye was coming soon.

We said our goodbye Saturday night as our flight was Sunday morning. I told her I would take care of Helen and mom; don't worry about them, don't worry about us. David thanked her because without her, he would not have me. He felt like he didn't get enough time with her. I do feel the same way, because I only saw her every few years. But I don't dwell because her impact on me is not any less.

And then she passed away on Sunday morning 6/15/14 while we were driving to the airport. At 4:40am.

David's and my wedding banquet was my grandma's last. She couldn't make it to my medical school graduation, but knew I had officially become a doctor and that her sister was there to see me graduate. I will hold these facts close to my heart.

Like I hold close to my heart that my paternal grandmother knew I was accepted into medical school and on my way to becoming a doctor. Like David and I hold close to our heart that his maternal grandmother was invited to our wedding, and was so excited to attend (her granddaughter, David's cousin, didn't invite her to her wedding).

I am not devastated by the loss of my Po Po. Partially because her legacy is such a wonderful one that the sadness is balanced with laughter and love, and partially because I'm starting to master the concept that all things are temporary and everything must come to an end.

So now I know I can't force myself to blog, I just have to feel like it. Stopped journaling about my interviews after Interview #3, haha. I'm already done with Interview #10, and now I'm done. Now it's time to make a rank list.

Just like my decision between Family Medicine and Psychiatry, I change my mind about what I prioritize and thus which residency programs I want on a daily basis and sometimes even more frequently.

I keep on having epiphanies or keep on learning additional information that shuffles my rank list around in my head. I'm glad for these epiphanies though, they help form my rank list.

But I'm too much in my head. If I let my cerebrum make my decision, that doesn't settle well with me. I need to go with my heart. And my heart is telling me that my top choice is: Long Beach Memorial.

I was with David cooking in the kitchen last night when I decided to just stick with it. No more thinking too much. Just commit and we'll be happy no matter what. And I am so happy.

I put so much pressure on myself forming this rank list. By prioritizing programs, I'm also by extension prioritizing the people in my life, the patient populations of those programs, my values. My overthinking did not let the question be as simple as "Which program feels most right?"

But no more guilt. I am happy.

1. Long Beach Memorial
2. Kaiser Napa-Solano
3. UCSD
4. UCLA
5. UCSF
6. Contra Costa
7. Kaiser WH
8. UCD
9. Kaiser SD

Ok. Here we go.