This post is a little late, but what else is new. So my 21st birthday was my best birthday to date. It landed on a Saturday night, how perfect! I didn't want to make it a big deal so I decided to only spend it with super close friends (above picture). I had a great time. I got super drunk and wasn't hungover the following morning. At the club, a guy bought me a drink for the first time. On top of spending my 21st birthday with my closest friends and sister, I received more birthday love than I ever could have hoped for.

On Saturday, November 8th (my birthday) at 5pm, I check facebook for the first time that day. I had 18 new notifications, and they were all wall posts wishing me happy birthday. That blew me away already. Then throughout the day, I got nearly 10 text messages wishing me happy birthday. And the following morning, I had 30 new notifications. Add in all the belated birthday wishes and messages on AIM, over 60 people wished me happy birthday. That has never happened to me before in my life, not even close. I know it's facebook, and I know it's not that 60 people remembered my birthday. But 60 people took the time to truly make my birthday happy. Who cares if facebook told them it was my birthday? Honestly, out of all your hundreds of friends on facebook, do you say happy birthday to every birthday notification? I felt so loved on my birthday and for several days following. You like me, you really like me.

Looking back on my past 3 birthdays, I've been a lucky girl. On my 19th birthday, my wonderful roomie @ <3 Lilian surprised me with a trip to Six Flags, then surprised me with an old friend. I'm not used to surprises, so I felt really loved that she put so much effort into surprising me. And all I got her was The Little Mermaid on DVD for her birthday in October of that year. On my 20th birthday, it landed on Hot Umbrella Nights, which was also a fundraiser for my ASUCI election. So many of my friends came out clubbing that night. Around a dozen friends or so. I felt really special then too because it was my birthday and fundraiser, double whammy.

Before I turned 21, I said this would be the last birthday I celebrate because I'm obsessed with aging and whatnot. Now I'm saying I don't want to celebrate anymore because these past birthdays can't be topped and I don't feel a need to top them.

So thank you to everyone who has made my birthday(s) truly happy. It feels good to feel loved.

I was in my living room with Tiffany and Lilian. We were talking about Jason Mraz because I had went to his concert the previous Saturday. I see Lil look at the TV and say something to the effect of, "What? He won?" And we all looked at the TV in confusion, he was only at 233 electoral votes when our Jason Mraz conversation started. Then it showed the crowd at Grant Park in Chicago cheering, and then we cheered too. I remember screaming and jumping up and down with Lilian and giving her a hug, and then giving Tiffany a hug. And then I screamed out of our door, "OBAMA!" I remember listening to McCain's concession speech and thinking, "this is the most I've ever respected him. What an honorable loser." Then after an intense 20-30 minutes or so, Obama finally arrives at Grant Park. And the announcer says, "Ladies and gentlemen, the next first family of the United States of America." And when that beautiful family of color walked out and I saw Barack Obama, I started bawling. Positively bawling. Barack Obama is going to be our president. I won't believe it until January 2009. And even then, it'll probably take a few months to sink in.

Though he didn't need Nevada's measly 5 electoral votes to win, I'm so happy that Nevada was blue! I took 2 trips there to campaign for Obama, so I'm glad those trips were useful.

I wonder what the next 4 years will look like...maybe the next 8?

I <3 raves. Techno music is really good when it's pulsating through your body. I've been to 2 raves before (Together as One 2005 and The Love Festival 2008), but by far, Monster Massive was the best. I think it was because the first time I went to a rave I didn't appreciate techno music and its effects on the body when rolling. And I didn't roll at my second rave. So at Monster Massive, I rolled AND felt the music...it was positively orgasmic.

Gosh, I sound like I'm promoting drug-use. My little cousins have access to this blog. But in all honesty, everything is fine in moderation. I am not going to roll every week, I am not smoking weed everyday. Drugs are bad if they interfere with your life. But if you have the time to have fun, then I wouldn't say "absolutely don't do drugs." Just be smart and be safe and be real. I like rolling and raving, but I realistically only want to go to raves a couple times a year.

All that is besides the point. I want to describe my raving experience and why I love raves. So yes, most people there are on drugs. But you know what drugs do to people? They make them nice and friendly and fun. As hippie as it sounds, raves are about love. The acronym PLUR even stands for Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. And ravers personify PLUR. I know that the love and friendliness aren't completely authentic considering they're the result of drug use...but in the rave setting, it works and it feels good.

While I'm not telling you to do drugs, I do encourage you to go to a rave if you've never been. It's a trip. It's so surreal. It's like you're stepping into a whole new world...like a wonderland. A world where everyone is happy and their only job is to dance and socialize. It's easy to pin ravers as silly with their rave clothing and candy bracelets, but they're worth taking the time to understand. Then again, everyone is worth taking the time to understand.

I have this tendency to put all my eggs into one basket, well most my eggs. There is one guy in my life right now that is worth investing in, or putting my eggs into his basket you might say. Let's call him Jack. A few days ago, I told my friend I'm putting a lot of eggs into this Jack basket because I have no other baskets to put my eggs into. Then I realized that's untrue, because I could put my eggs into my basket. Jack is really quite the catch, but putting all my eggs into his basket would just leave me even more hurt if he didn't feel the same way. So if I just put a couple of eggs into his basket, and keep the rest for myself, family, and friends...then disappointment won't be so bad.

When someone asks me what I like to do, or what my hobbies are...I really don't have any good answers. I would say reading, but everyone reads. I would say swimming, and that's something I truly do enjoy and am proud of, but it's basically exercise, not really a passion or an interest. I would say hiking, but I've only hiked like 5 times in my life and though I really enjoy it, I don't enjoy it enough to drive somewhere far regularly.

So in terms of putting my own eggs into my own damn basket, I've decided to join a hula school! I'm still trying to choose one, there are surprisingly so many in and around Orange County. But I'm so eager to get started. I love hula a lot, and my stomach was noticeably flatter when I was in Hawaii Club's luau in April. And now I'll have an interesting response when someone asks me what I do for fun.

Jenny is sad to be back on the mainland...but happier in general.

That was my status for the past few days and it describes me so well. I miss Hawaii terribly, after 9 days, I so wasn't ready to leave. When I arrived back in Cali, I felt no joy whatsoever to be back home. I thought about how crappy Cali is compared to Hawaii, and I still think so. But my life continues and my Hawaii trip was nothing but good for me.

I was so, so sad before my trip. Hawaii guy hurt me so much and it really dampened my excitement for my trip. But when I arrived, Randy greeted me with a beautiful wonderful-smelling plumeria lei, and I literally jumped and squealed for joy. It was gloomy and rainy the day I arrived, but I didn't care, I was just ecstatic to be there; there's something about Hawaii.

Of course I thought about him anyway. Whenever I saw fishermen, I took a closer look.

Anyway, the point is, throughout my whole trip, I felt like Stella getting her groove back (minus ending up with Taye Diggs). I loved Hawaii so much. I felt stress-free; my only job was to have fun and tan. So I didn't need Hawaii guy to have a good time in Hawaii, in fact, I had an amazing time without him. I'm actually very glad I didn't see him for almost all my trip. I honestly think my trip would not have been as wonderful as it was if he were a significant part of it.

I saw him at the very, very end of my trip. And it was the perfect end to my perfect vacation, but not in the way you might think. I decided to see the asshole in hopes of finding closure. And closure I found. When he dropped me off, he said, "I'll see you soon, okay?" And I said nothing. Seeing him reinforced what I knew all along: I really don't like him very much. For whatever reason, I have allowed him to make me miserable, but after seeing him, I am very confident that I will get over him.

So I'm much happier after my trip to Hawaii. I'm happier about the Hawaii guy situation obviously. And I'm also happier with myself. Happier that I found the strength within me to get over him. And happier that despite hurting inside, I was able to truly enjoy and fall in love with beautiful Hawai'i.

So my 2007-2008 school year was very, very busy. My days started at 8am or earlier and I didn't get home til 10pm or later. But guess what, everyone? It was so worth it! Well, I've always considered the stress and exhaustion worth it in the personal experience sense, but now I'm talking about the applicable, work-world sense.

My resume got me 5 job interviews! I only went to 3 interviews though, because 2 of the interviews were scheduled after I landed 1 of the jobs. Ok, I'm going to toot my own horn...I got all 3 jobs! Last month, I was worried that I wouldn't have a job when I got back from Hawaii. Then a few weeks ago, I was worried that I would choose the wrong job to impress medical schools with. Then today, when I got that 3rd job offer, I was worried that I would make the wrong decision for me. Before I continue with my decision-making process, here were my 3 choices:

1. Front Desk Receptionist/Medical Assistant - University Vascular Associates, private practice of 2 vascular surgeons near UCLA. My job would have been very administrative, but there is an in-office operating room where I could observe non-invasive vascular surgeries.

2. Behavior Interventionist - working with autistic children around the age of 3 in Orange County. Pretty self-explanatory.

3. Clinical Trials Coordinator - Retina-Vitreous Associates Medical Group in Beverly Hills. Overseeing 2-4 clinical trials from inception to end. This involves recruiting participants, being responsible for IRB protocols, liaison between doctors and sponsors, managing databases, etc.

Things I had to consider:

1. Pay - #3 pays significantly the most, about $7,000 more/year.
2. Letters of Rec - I am already getting a letter of rec from a medical doctor as well as my research professor.
3. Location - for #1 and #3, I would move in with family in Baldwin Park, which is about 30 miles from both jobs.
4. Impressing Medical Schools - #2 and #3 were tied to me.
5. Personal Growth and Learning

So I axed #1 first. What's so impressive about just observing surgeries? I have nearly 2 years of clinical experience already where I have done all the things I would do at job #1.

So today it was down to #2 and #3. The past few weeks I was leaning towards #3. I thought it would show a lot of leadership and responsibility. A job where I took initiative and was in control instead of doing what I'm told or what I'm just trained to do. And the pay was significantly more. My mentality is: my youth is over once I start medical school, and it's the most fun to be young and rich.

The autism job would definitely show compassion and patience. However, I thought it was so similar to what I've always done. I get trained for something and then I do what I'm trained for. But it could be a rewarding job, and I do love kids. And it would definitely prepare me for parenthood.

And location is so important. I'm going to Hawaii, and both jobs expect me to start soon after I get back. If I took job #3, I would have to move to Baldwin Park and find someone to replace me at my apartment in a matter of 2 weeks, not even. And I would have to move in with my family, whom I love very dearly, but can handle only in small doses. They're older, they're traditional, they're stuffy. I love my friends and freedom in Irvine. But rent would be free, or very very little. And I do really want to save money.

Then I realized another point against the autism job. I would be responsible for the progress of a child! If that child doesn't progress, I would be a big reason for that failure. And then I told my roomie Tiffany, "I don't think I have the personality that can handle failure, especially that of a child." And then I reworded that thought to another friend, "I don't think I have the personality that can handle being responsible for a child's progress."

And then it hit me. While I was trying to argue against the autism job, I really was arguing for it. I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR. I am going to be responsible for people's lives! And this job is the opportunity to start learning. I've never been responsible for another person before. Not as much as this. I've tutored elementary students where their reading and writing skills depended on me. But the social development of autistic children is much bigger.

So I'll be working with autistic children now that I'm out of college. And I'm so, so, so happy with my decision. I have a lot of growing to do, and here is a full-time job that will help me.

Random thought: People who can't properly park their SUVs shouldn't drive SUVs. Not to mention the effects of global warming.

So it's official, world. Jenny is no longer an undergraduate student. I officially have completed my undergraduate education at UC Irvine. As I walked out of my very last final this morning, as usual, I thought about the questions I got wrong or didn't know. It wasn't until a few minutes later as I was driving in my car did I remember: I'M FUCKING DONE! And I thought about the past 4 years of late night studying and juggling, and I realized...college really isn't that hard! Medical school will be way, way harder. While I've always known this, I did consider being a Bio major at UCI very stressful, and now I don't know why. Well, it's not really important anymore. I am a college graduate! It says so on facebook and everything.

I don't feel particularly different. I think it'll hit me when APSA has its Welcome Week. Oh man, I'm an APSA Alumnus now, so this is how Narinda feels. Haha. I can't wait to support them in their events like Narinda supported ours. Enjoying amazing APSA events without the stress of planning them? Fuck yeah!

Alright world, Jenny Phung has her Bachelor of Science in Biological Sciences with a minor in Asian American Studies. Woot woot!

So my family may not be wealthy, and we're surely very dysfunctional (we put the Fung in dysfungctional, hahahaha). But boy, do we take care of each other.

My grandma's in the hospital. I've visited her in the hospital several times in my life, but this is the first time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). When we got there, my family told me that earlier that day, her heart stopped 3 times, as in they had to use a defibrillator. She's such a trooper. So it was my turn to go in, and she was fine, well relatively fine. I was worried that her heart stopping caused brain damage or something, or loss of spirit and soul. But she recognized me and knew who I was. She talked to me about the usual: respecting my elders, if I ate yet, where I'm sleeping tonight.

I could handle seeing the IVs in her and the oxygen tank without being too shaken up. But then she said something that made me cry right on the spot. She said in an apologetic tone, "Grandma doesn't have any lay see (red envelope) to give you." Red envelope has money in it, so my grandma was sorry she didn't have any money to give me. That did it. I didn't bawl, but I did cry. My grandma is not rich at all, yet she still hands me $20 bills every time I see her, which is a portion of her Social Security money.

Sigh. She's old now, not as vibrant as she used to be. As my dad said, her light is getting dimmer. And in her intensive care state, she still worries about giving me money.

Ok, this will be my last time getting high for awhile. I actually didn't want to get high tonight, but my friend spiked the chocolate fondue! So since I already ate the chocolate, then why not smoke out? Hahahaha. Fuck, I hope I don't have to get drug-tested. No more smoking for me. At least not until I get a job. Haha!

So I've definitely come to the conclusion that....I cannot move to Hawaii...not for at least a few months. While the reason could be powerful, feminist, and amazing like "I will not move to Hawaii for a man!" The real reason is much less empowering: Princeton Review only offers MCAT courses through private tutors in Hawaii! And I want to take an MCAT course in a small class. While I was possibly willing to move to another land mass for him despite my family, friends, roots here in Cali, I am now not willing to move because of the MCAT. Hahaha. My grades may suffer because I'm up late thinking about him causing me to be late/absent the next day, or because it's harder to study when you're constantly thinking about someone....I will NOT sacrifice the MCAT for him. My GPA is not near what it should be, so I'm banking on my MCAT to get me through the numbers door in med school admissions.

And now my second point...about not being able to move for a few months. After I take the course and then the actual MCAT, then I'm back to where I was. I am free to go anywhere I want. I'll apply to jobs in Nor Cal, why not? Yeah, I'll miss my family, but I gotta do what I gotta do. So after the MCAT's taken care of, it's back to...I can do whatever I want to do. I can apply to medical school from anywhere in the world. I can get great API health experience in Hawaii. I am sick of being single. (random, I am)

Though I haven't been single for very long, I already don't like it. What's so great about being single? Not having someone to turn to for affection and attention. Going months without sex.

I'm high right now. I don't think I've ever blogged high or drunk. Hahahahaha. Let's see how I pull this off. So far, capitalization and punctuation looks good. So does spelling. Hahahahaaha.

So last night I began my job hunt of non-profit community health organizations who focus to serve the Asian Pacific Islander community. Doesn't that sound super-specific? But you'll be surprised, there were dozens out there, and many were hiring. Oh, by the way, the reason I'm looking for something that specific is because my major was Biological Sciences (which means I'm pre-medical pretty much) and my minor was Asian American studies (which means I care about the people!). Hahhaha. So, in my 2 years off before medical school, I wanted to work somewhere that was health-related and API related. It will show that I'm familiar with healthcare and compassionate for the people. Anyway, so while I was searching API community health orgs, I learned that there are SO many in Hawaii! I had no idea. I never realized I could actually find the specific job I'm looking for in Hawaii! So, running into all these job opportunities in Hawaii, the possibility of moving to Hawaii suddenly appeared to be real. Actually likely to happen.

When he was here, I asked him, "Magically, if I got into UH medical school, would we be together?" And he said, "Yeah."

So, Hawaiian guy, magically, if I were able to find a job in Hawaii...

But this isn't magic, bitch! This could actually happen.

What do you say to that now?

Ok, I'm going a little cuckoo here. So that night, after finding all these job opportunities, I dreamed the oddest dream. I dreamed that he called me, and said something to the effect of, "I was thinking about it, and it's about time you moved to Hawaii. You should start moving your things. Yeah, start moving your things." And I responded, "Okay, thank you. I don't think so. Ok bye." I remember feeling like I didn't want him to ask me. Like I didn't want to move there because I wasn't ready. I remember feeling like this is what I've been wanting, but I've wanted the wrong things.

I don't know him very well. But I'm hoping to get to know him in that week in Hawaii. 1 week together will teach me a lot about how it's like to be with him. Because as of right now, I only have a few hours here and there spread over 9 months. The last time he came and we spent 20 hours straight together was the longest we've ever gone. And to be honest, with you and myself, while some of it was great (like dancing in his arms, the holding hands, the kisses), I actually wasn't very pleased with that weekend. He seems to get annoyed with me easily and often. I mean, I know I'm upbeat, but come on. He seems to get annoyed with me in a way that would make me want to apologize. When I was with Emerson, if he ever got annoyed with me, I would make him feel bad for getting annoyed with me! I like wearing the pants, and with Hawaiian guy, the power dynamic is all fucked up.

So I'm waiting for Hawaii to see if he's worth moving for. Because according to my dream, he sure as hell isn't worth it right now.

My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you.

You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.

P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn't even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

Just an excerpt from "He's Just Not That Into You." Though it doesn't completely apply to me, a lot of it does. I am a superfox!

This coming month is going to be filled with growth, self-focus, and lamenting. While lamenting is quite sad, I think it's a step up from this past month. This past month was filled with uncertainty, insecurity, and frustration. After I saw Hawaiian guy last month, I thought that we could be something. I hoped for it and somewhat expected it. And when my expectations weren't met...I was severely disappointed, which went along with uncertainty, insecurity, and frustration. But this month...I have no more expectations. We can never be something because, well, he lives in fucking Hawaii. And this realization is bittersweet. Bitter because I really wanted us to work. Sweet because if I don't have any expectations, I can't be disappointed.

I'm thinking about him constantly...more than I ever have before. It's probably because I like him more than ever before. Which really sucks since I'm going to have to let him go. I'm still going to Hawaii in September, but then I'll really have to let him go. I should try to start this month...I should. But I don't really know how. And knowing that I'm going to see him in September on the best vacation of my life (I'll make sure of it) makes it hard to let him go.

So I'll just be for now. Talk to him as little as possible, focus on him as little as possible. Which brings me to the self-focus part. Summer Session II ends on September 11th, and I need a job waiting for me when I get back from Hawaii in October. It's 2nd week of school, and I still haven't finished my resume or started on my cover letter. I will complete these things by Friday night if it kills me. I've done a lot of shit and I have a lot of experience, but my resume is wiggity-wack. I've decided to go over 1 page, I don't care what the rules say (which aren't very clear anymore anyway). All my experience is bomb-diggity and worth including in my resume!

Yeah, that's my sexy new camera. It's fucking waterproof. How fucking cool is that? Do I see snorkeling in my near future? Fa sho! I had my old camera for almost 3 years; it would have been 3 years in October. It was still good during the day, but the flash worked horribly (if at all) at night. 3 years is a good run though, it was time for me to move on to bigger and better things.

Well this new camera is smaller actually. But better for sure. It's shockproof too, meaning I can effing drop it, and not have to cry! And sand/dirt-proof, and freeze proof. Beach and snowboarding, here I come! Maybe this will encourage me to go snowboarding because I've never been. =)

My cousin just posted this on her myspace today. This is my dog, Jasmine. I wonder where she is now. I wonder if she's still alive. It's been over a year now. Life is flying by.

Wasn't she a friggin' cutie? I just thought I'd share this picture with you.

Jason Mraz anyone? He's on tour and will be coming to LA on November 1st. So if you want to go, keep me in mind. I think I'll be buying tickets before September 1st because he's immensely popular. He's on my list of artists to see in concert. After him, I just need to see Mariah Carey and I'll be set for life. Yeah, I'll buy my ticket by September 1st even if no one responds to this message; that's how badly I want to see him. But it would be nice to go with someone. =)

As my girls hugged me, some said, "You were the best night RA." And I couldn't help but tear up.

I was really lucky to get a suite of girls who didn't cause any trouble, who had a positive attitude, and who were glad to be in COSMOS. I can't wait to add them in Facebook to keep in touch. I have 9 friend requests awaiting confirmation right now. I decided I wouldn't add them until COSMOS was officially over. There is some content on my profile that may be considered inappropriate for COSMOS. We do have a special relationship where I am their RA and they are my residents, and I want to maintain the professionalism throughout the program.

But when Saturday night rolls around, I'll confirm their friend requests and tag them in photos.

Yeah, they were great girls and this month flew by. But it will be over tomorrow, and I must admit I am eager to leave. Not that I didn't love this job, but when something is so near its end, I just want to get it over with.

COSMOS is going to end this Saturday. For those of you who don't know, for the past month, I've been a night and weekend RA for this high school summer science program. I'm taking two classes, and work night and weekends (obviously), and I volunteer on Tuesdays. It's a sweet deal. I'm living in Middle Earth, and all my meals are covered. But it's about to end in a few days...

August is going to be an interesting month. I'm taking 3 upper-division Bio classes. I need 2 of them, and the 3rd is a "what the hell, summer school is cheap for me, and I could raise my science GPA" kind of class. And I'll be volunteering once a week. And then...that's it.

I don't know what I'll do with myself in August and September. No job, no APSA, no research?

Of course I'll be job-hunting. But I see myself working out a lot. My goal is to lose at least 8 pounds by Hawaii (because I gained 8 pounds this year).

By the way, I'm going to Hawaii at the end of September. It will be my first time! I'm going for my best friend Randy's 21st birthday! So much excitement! Before I start a full-time job, I thought I'd treat myself. I guess it's my graduation present to myself. Good job, Jenny, for making it out in 4 years!

In life, there are things you can choose to do and things you can't. In my life right now,

I choose to:

1. NOT call him, text him, IM him, comment on his myspace, or send him a myspace message. Even though I'm so tempted to.

2. Check his myspace page to see if he's posted any new pictures or blogs. And just to see what's up with his life in general (because he sure as hell doesn't update me directly). It's really unhealthy and pretty pathetic. I feel like a stalker.

I can't choose that I:

1. Have feelings for him.

2. Think about him.

3. Want him to change.

I feel what I feel, I think what I think, I want what I want.

I don't like the girl I've become because of him. I emphasize girl and not person, because I'm still the same person. But as a girl, he has made me obsessive and insecure. I feel unwanted.

FUCK! I'm a sexy beast! He would be fucking lucky to have me! Or would he? FUCK! Look at how he's making me doubt my sexiness!

I'm going to try to stop checking his myspace. It only depresses me more. His status today said "_____ is missing her ALOT!!!" Mood: lonely Yeah, he misspelled "a lot." I'd like to think that it's me he's missing and it's me he's lonely for (I think what I think). And I so badly want to call him and ask. But then I realized, if he misses me, HE SHOULD FUCKING TELL ME HIMSELF! And if it's not me he's missing, then I'm so not emotionally prepared to handle that.

Okay, everyone. I'll fill you in and not try to be mysterious/anonymous/stupid.

There's a guy in Hawaii. I've known him for over four years. Ann met him off asianavenue.com (which is now asianave.com, like subtracting 3 letters will bring back AzN PrIdE), and one day when I was over at her house, I used her AIM screenname and we started talking. So yes, I met him off the internet, whatever. Fast-forward 3.5 years, I finally met him in person last October. It was the day after Shocktoberfest, I still had front bangs (which I have mixed feelings about), and I was at the peak of my weight loss. We had a pretty good time together, and a crush developed on my part at least.

Then 8 months go by and it's been an emotionally turbulent 8 months in terms of my feelings for him. We'd go months without communicating, then we'd have 2-3 hour phone conversations. I'm starting to understand him better, his inconsistency, his periods of absence, but it doesn't make sense to me. He doesn't make any sense. He says the sweetest things to me, and I just eat his words up. But then...he'll go MIA for weeks. I tell myself it's a Hawaiian thing, like they're just laid back like that (stereotyping is no good). I partially believe it, but the other side of myself is saying, "Stop it."

Really, Jenny? There are so many reasons to stop, to just say, "Fuck it. Fuck him." Then I listen to his song (he's a DJ), or he'll randomly call or text me. Man, I sound pretty pathetic, to go ga-ga over a call or text.

He lives in fucking Hawaii. What the fuck am I thinking?

I'm thinking his birthday's coming up and I'm eager to mail him his present. And he's supposed to come in August, and I'm going to Hawaii in September, and he'll probably be back in October. That's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking it'll be amazing when I see him.

Gosh, I want August to come already. One more month. Breathe, don't be pathetic, it's not attractive.

The first ever API Presidential Town Hall was held on Saturday, May 17th, 2008. I had never been so inspired by just being in a room full of people before. Here's a video of Beau Sia that I recorded:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TMHBUSdyhE

It was great seeing you again. As if 8 months hadn't passed.

But 8 months had passed, and I must admit there was awkwardness. We didn't even kiss until 2 1/2 hours into seeing each other. But that was fine, the anticipation was fun. And your kisses didn't disappoint either. After 8 months, I forgot what your kisses were like completely. So I was relieved to find they were yummy. =P

I liked just chilling with you watching TV; it was nice to finally get to see what it's like to just hang out with you.

I like how our bodies mesh well together; I feel very comfortable in your arms.

I wonder if you're thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about you. And I wonder if you like me as much as I like you. These past 8 months have confused the shit out of me, and after this wonderful weekend, I'm even more confused.

More word spreading.

http://www.angryasianman.com/2008/06/gook-john-mccains-racism-and-why-it.html

I have to spread the word.



There's no way he's winning. I can tell the future, if you didn't know. I know Obama is going to be our next president. But I must spread the word just in case I'm wrong. Better safe than sorry.

I don't know what percentage of this country is Christian, but I do know that if enough people see this video, every non-Christian will not vote for him. And moderate open-minded Christians won't vote for him either. Alright. Sleep tight.

This is a post to vent.

As I was trying on powder at a make-up counter with an employee, my sister asks how often I wear powder. I answer "as often as I wear make-up, which averages every other week," and she responds, "you're so lazy." I didn't respond, and if I did, it wasn't a strong comment or else I'd remember it. I held back, because I knew it was another opportunity for me to bigger than my sister. I could have responded (here's where the venting comes in) "You may call me lazy, but I could call you insecure, superficial, and vain." It is partially true that I don't wear make-up everyday because I'm lazy, and it's not the falsehood of her comment that upsets me, it's the fact that she said it in front of a complete stranger as she was doing my make-up. Did she embarrass me in front of the lady to make herself feel better? Did she call me lazy so she wouldn't recognize her own insecurities? She is the epitome of the kind of person who puts others down to make herself feel better. It's funny because she thinks the same thing of me. But I don't insult her heavy eye makeup or her unnatural colored contacts. I don't point out the fact that she's 24 and not yet at a 4-year university. If I do point out her flaws, it's out of frustration with those flaws and not for my own validation. I have recently pointed out to her that it's questionable that she made $40,000+/year and has no savings to show for it. But I pointed that out because I was frustrated with her asking my mother (who makes less than that) for money. Her heavy eye makeup, colored contacts, and education don't affect me, thus I don't point them out. How does my seldom wearing makeup affect her?

I admit, I used to be the person who puts her down to make myself feel better. I can't point out a specific instance, but it does feel familiar that I've mentioned that I'm smarter than her. But I haven't done this in a long time, and I've matured since then. I've matured so much that I don't even think that I'm smarter than her. I acknowledge that she has strengths in areas I don't, and vice versa. I don't even use college education as an equivalent to intelligence anymore. She had her reasons for postponing her education, and that's fine.

I don't wear make-up everyday because I grew up not wearing makeup everyday. While old habits die hard, new habits are hard to create. I also don't feel the need to hide my flaws everyday, whom do I need to impress? To me, putting on makeup serves the purpose of impressing, and I don't need to impress someone everyday. That is where we're different. She feels the need to impress someone everyday. I'm not judging her reasoning, I'm just acknowledging that we're different. Like we're different in intelligence. If I'm mature enough to acknowledge our differences without valuing it as inferior or superior, why can't she?

It's been over a month since my last sad excuse of a post. So I feel like I should explain it. But I won't explain it too much, because I can't reveal a lot of things on this public blog due to various things I'm hiding from people in my life.

I love my mom with all my heart as I've mentioned numerous times before. But my distaste for Vegas is so great that my love for her is not enough to visit. I don't want to say why I'm letting go of Vegas, but I'll describe my feelings about visiting.

I realized that I visited Vegas for a handful of people. There were a handful of people in Vegas I did not want to let go of. But after my last visit during Spring Break, I realized that for one of those people, I was holding on but s/he was not. I've known this for awhile, but I was in denial (hey, that rhymes). I thought that if I kept making the effort, s/he would eventually also make the effort. But it is truly disheartening being in an unequal relationship of any kind. And this cheerful girl will not stand to be disheartened any longer.

And of course, there is him. I often wish that teleportation were real. Because the idea of me going to Vegas to be with him and the idea of him coming to Cali to be with me are not appealing. I long for him when I'm lonely, whenever I encounter the many things in my life that remind me of him. But not lonely enough to drive to Vegas or to ask him to drive to Cali. Just lonely enough to wish we could teleport. I have so many of his clothes, too many. I don't have the heart to throw them away, so they're in a storage box in my cousin's patio. I think I'll give them back to him if he were ever to visit Cali for another reason but me.

My lack of desire to go to Vegas coincides with my true, real, actual singledom. I am actually single now. For real. I have been faking it for the past 2 years, but it's for real this time. I have no idea when I'm going to see him again, and I'm very very proud of myself.

But I'm unhappy. This is unfortunate. I am the kind of girl who needs to have a boyfriend. Rather, has been accustomed to having one for 6 years and doesn't know how to deal. I've done some stupid things in the past few weeks to cope. I won't go into that. Just shows that I'm still growing and maturing, and I still need to learn to love myself more and treat myself better.

I am letting go of Vegas.

So as of my grades this quarter, I'm keeping up my resolution to maintain a 3.5 science GPA. I got an A in Cell Bio! I really wasn't expecting that. But a B+ is Neurobio lab. Turns out my next quarter is looking pretty hectic but in a different way. I thought I was going to be taking 3 UD Bio classes, but I'm actually only taking 1 along with 3 Asian Am classes. So it'll be a lot of reading, but not a lot of studying. If I don't get an A in that ONE bio class...I don't deserve to go to med school. Ha!

I have this one Asian Am class on Wednesday evenings which conflicts with 2 of my events during APIHM, and another event conflicts with its discussion. I'm not one to back down from my commitments to other people. I am much more the type of person to drop a class than to relieve my responsibilities from something as important as APIHM. Even though I've never done either. I could give it off to my interns except one is taking the class too, and they're both not ready to handle 3 events in one month. Which says something about my mentoring quality, I'll admit. And it's not even giving my interns control over the event, I'm not comfortable giving my event to any of the board members. It's not that I don't trust them specifically, I just don't trust anyone. I birthed and raised these events, and I couldn't handle them being executed in any way but my own way. I'm very picky. I don't like typos and I don't like not doing things justice. And it kills me to see either. So I've never dropped a class during/after Week 1, but this might be a first.

It is Tuesday, and I am DONE WITH FINALS!! And now I can blog, about what, I don't know. Ok, so I had traffic school last week. There's 2 things I want to say about that.

First, it was a 7 hour class, 3.5 hours on a Monday and Tuesday. In order to go there Monday, I had to miss an Uncultivated Rabbits meeting, a Constituents meeting, and an Umbrella Council meeting. And on Tuesday, I had to miss an APSA meeting. So my point is that I was able to take 7 extra hours out of my schedule to go to this traffic school, and if I weren't involved in any of these activities, that could be 7 hours of studying a week!! I do spend more time on my extracurriculars than on studying. On top of meetings, I spend even more time planning, organizing, e-mailing. Yes e-mailing and researching for programs takes a lot of time. I wouldn't give up my student leadership experience with APSA for anything (except maybe a 4.0 GPA), I'm just observing.

Secondly, so I had 3 months to go to traffic school, and I put it off until the last minute. My due date was March 11th, and I scheduled a class for March 9th. So Sunday, March 9th rolled around, I woke up at noon like any other Sunday. Tra la la, "what time should I go into research to make up hours? I really want to see Definitely, Maybe...OH SHIT!" I was supposed to be there at 7:45 am, so it's way too late to still go now. I'm freaking out! I cannot, cannot have a point on my license! So I call all the traffic schools I can, and after several attempts and hearing "we don't have anything within 50 miles," I luckily find Improv Comedy Club Traffic School in Buena Park, and it's broken up into 2 classes on the 10th and 11th. Reading my court papers, I'm unclear as to when I'm supposed to have my certificate into the court by. Am I supposed to complete traffic school by March 11th or submit the certificate to the court by the 11th? If it's the latter situation, I'm screwed. Because the class ends at 9:30pm, I won't be able to submit it until the 12th in the morning. I didn't know the answer to this question until the 12th, and I just attended traffic school and hoped for the answer I wanted. So I approach the window of the courthouse, and held my breath. The lady says, "Oh, you completed it the day it was due?" And I say, "Yeaaaah, is that okay?" She says, "Yeah, it's fine." WHOOOOO!! I don't think how much I emphasized how big a deal it was that I don't get a point on my driver's license. Insurance goes up about $300/year and the point stays on for 3 years! That's $1000 I saved! So I was scared shitless for 2 days...and my theory of life remains true: things always work out.

Life always works out for me. Even in the worst of times, I always have this gut feeling that everything's going to be alright. My life's not fabulous nor comfortable, but I don't have it too shabby. Thank God for credit cards.

I have a new reason to wake up in the morning. And if I realized this a couple years ago, I could have saved my GPA. It's my motivation to study, to trek home every night at 12 in the morning.
My mama.

Of course I have always lived for her, don't get me wrong. I guess when I was too lazy to study or too lazy to get my ass up in the morning, I only thought about myself and my grades. So even though I don't really want bad grades, I accepted them because I knew I deserved them .

It hit me when I had a conversation with Jesse last week. He had a crazy long to-do list, and we were at Jack-in-the-Box at 12:30 am (right out of an Umbrella meeting). He ordered a lot of food, and told me it was supposed to last him the whole night. "You're pulling an all-nighter, and it's week 1?" I asked him. And he explained to me how his mom has worked so hard to get him into college, to make sure he's educated and successful, and choosing Asian Am as a major could be disappointing. And to prevent all his mom's work from being in vain, Jesse has all these extracurricular activities and all these responsibilities outside of his academics to ensure his success. His to-do list consisted of almost all non-academic tasks.

Then it hit me, even though I already kinda knew. I am pre-med for my mom. My goal in life is to take care of my mom. I am here for my mom. B+ is just not going to cut it.

So even though Umbrella Council starts at 9:30 pm on Mondays. And APSA meetings with afterevents end at 10:00+ on Tuesdays. I have the weekend to study. I am going to make up for the past 1 1/2 years of forgetting why I'm here. And this epiphany better carry over to next quarter (to the rest of my life, actually), because I have to take 2 upper division Bio labs, an upper division Bio lecture, Asian Am 60C, Asian Am 101, and research. Next quarter's going to be hell. I'll be finishing up my UROP and presenting a poster on my project in May!!!! Ahhh!!!

I can't wait til APAAC and APIHM are over. I love you APSA. And I love APAAC and APIHM, but you know...

Look how cute he is trying to be culturally sensitive. Ass. hole.

Considering I said that my blog needs some serious excitation, that last post really sucked balls.

I just took this cool test that figures out which candidate is aligned with my views. And it's Kucinich. Then Edwards, then Clinton, and then Obama. Romney is least aligned with my views, that fool got like -48 points or something, followed closely by Fuckabee (who has Chuck Norris approval though, hmmm). So yeah, Obama opposes same-sex marriage, but opposes opposing same-sex marriage. Yeah, it's as stupid and confusing as it sounds. He supports same sex civil unions, but not same sex-marriages. But he opposes a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage. Then why doesn't he just support same-sex marriage then?

I am going to have to ask my queer friends to see how they feel about civil unions. If they're cool with it, then Obama's still cool. But there were 25 questions, and Kucinich agreed with me on ALL of them. Man, I wish he had a chance. I guess he's too liberal. Man...

Will I be wasting a vote on Kucinich? I do still want Obama to make it to the general election though. To have a person of color there...

Al Gore didn't come back, and Kerry didn't come back, so Obama probably won't come back next time around.

Now that I think about it. Obama had testimonials from prominent people in the API community on his website. But he didn't have any from the LGBT community. It's probably because they don't support him.

In these recent Nevada primaries, Obama had support from the Culinary Worker Union, which my mama is a part of. I know her though, and I know she didn't choose to support him herself. And I know my parents didn't participate in the caucuses (which I think are so stupid by the way). Their English is way too limited to know what the hell is going on at a caucus, which is why I think APALC is great for getting poll monitors out there (yes, I know Cali doesn't use caucuses).

Maybe I won't vote because I'm too confused. There's no way Kucinich is going into the general election. Do I vote for him anyway? It's a matter of principle vs. logic. Ahhh!!

Grace Young's blog totally kicks my blog's ass. Alright Jen Jen's ramblings, we need to better ourselves!

I thought of a new, not so serious resolution that I'm currently achieving actually. It's kind of embarrassing, but if I can't laugh at myself then...I should just die. Haha. See? Laughing at myself. So I do this thing that I got from my mom. I don't know why she does it, but I remember watching her do it when I was young.

I, like my mom, snap my bra in the front, then I twist it around to put it on. It's embarrassing, it's not sexy, and it's bad for my bras (because my bras have feelings too). So my resolution now is to snap my bra in the back. And it's a lot sexier that way, not to mention better for my bras. I'm already achieving this resolution, so I just gotta get kick-ass at it.

And I have a resolution for you men out there. Learn how to take a bra off with one hand. Now that's sexy.

So it's almost 8 in the morning, and I'm up trying to fix my jetlag problem. I just got back from Vietnam a few days ago. It was my first time outside of North America, and it was really fun. I went on a medical mission for the first week, and spent the 2nd week with family in Saigon that I've never met. I arrived in LAX on the 30th and was determined to make it to Vegas for New Years, which I did, yay! I wore this hot green dress that Lilian so wonderfully bought for me for Christmas. Emerson and I went to Red Room on Sahara and Valley Viewish. It's 21+, but he gots the hook-up like that. I had an Adios and it was goo-ood. We had champagne at midnight and shared a lovely Hollywood kiss. The music wasn't my style, I don't know how to dance to 80s and House. I wish I were a better dancer. Emerson's learning how to dance really well, and I'm so envious. He's busting out JT moves. Hot stuff.

Anywho, so my New Year Resolutions are:
1. Lose 20 pounds. This may sound extreme, but I lost 12 last fall. And I probably gained it all back in Vietnam (I haven't weighed myself yet). Man, if I accomplish this...it'd be really awesome. Haha. I hope my butt and boobs stay the same though. Well, I guess I can afford to lose some of my butt.
2. Graduate with at least a 3.5. Yeah, I'm graduating this year, guys. My heart was set on studying abroad in Hong Kong, but I realized, I don't need to study there, I just need to live there. So I'm walking in the spring, but will be finishing up classes in the summer. And will go to Hong Kong some time next year?
3. Get at least a 3.5 in my remaining Bio classes. My science GPA definitely needs some boosting, and it's too late to wish for a science GPA of a 3.5, but I can absolutely try to get that in my remaining 6 Bio classes.
4. Pass the CBEST. This is the California Basic Educational Skills Test to become a substitute teacher. I'm taking 2 years off before medical school and thought that becoming a sub would be a great way to kill time, and make money in the process.

I can't think of anything else I want to accomplish this year. Of course I have some life goals that I'll continue working on (eg., less judgmental). But I'll be very happy if I achieve those 4. I'll update you in one year!