Nothing phenomenal happened for Thanksgiving. It was just really good. I say "Wonderful" sometimes when people ask, but really nothing amazing. But at the same time, it is amazing how normal it was. We cooked, we ate, we played Cranium. But it was truly wonderful. When I look back on that night in my mind, everything is tinted brown. As if the whole night had an aura of brown. There was a warmth about that night, a feeling of home. I am really lucky to have such a close extended family. When I think about my nuclear family, it's not enough. My great relationship with my favorite cousins makes up for my strained relationship with my sisters. My great relationship with my dad's siblings makes up for my emotionally bi-polar relationship with my dad. I do love my mom though. I am so extremely grateful to have her personality. I don't see many people with our personality, and when I do, that person makes me smile, just like my mama makes me smile.

I had the best conversation with Ambika a couple days ago. It has been a very long time since we've had a good conversation, and oh how I cherish them. I especially cherish them because they're few and far between, but the smiles that last for days afterwards are really something. I felt like our friendship was gradually ceasing to exist, and then some mysterious entity comes with a defibrillator and revives our friendship. It's not even the things she says (even though she makes me laugh out loud in the library) but just knowing that she's on the receiving end of my words and I have her attention. After our good conversations, I have this permanent smile for days afterwards. As cheesy as that sounds. I think why I'm so happy is because my life resolution is to have better relationships with those I care about, and our conversations exemplify this. Life's good. It's Thanksgiving break, and I don't have a care in the world for 2 more days. Gobble gobble. gobble. gobble.

For some reason, I have never ever described myself as ambitious. When I hear about people being ambitious, I think, "I wish I were ambitious." But I do a lot. A lot, a lot. I am doing everything I need to be doing to get where I want to go...and then some. I am driven, and I'm acting on my drive. Why didn't I realize before that I am ambitious? I can be lazy, I suppose, and I always regret it. But I'm happy to have a new adjective to describe my whole person. I usually use "cheerful, positive, passionate," but now I can add to it. Cool. Yay!

I'm so sporadic in my blogging. I hate it. I've been meaning to write about this for nearly 3 months now. I haven't even written it in my private journal, but I'll get around to it.

My parents lost my dog in August. Her name is Jasmine, and she was wonderful. She was house trained, had a very cute face, and loved me unconditionally. I had her for 11 years. There was a period where I didn't care for her very much anymore. That was pretty much all of junior high and high school. Then in college, for some reason, I decided to start loving her again. I think it's because Connie left. It was her dog initially, but now it was mine. So Jasmine was my dog. She always wanted to be petted and she slept in my bed. Her tail curled over her body and you could always see her anus when she stood. She could still run and jump on the bed at 11 years. She had at least 4 more to go. So I started loving her more in the past few years. And especially after I moved to Irvine, I would love her so much whenever I saw her. And she would always remember me, thank goodness. I don't think she remembered Connie anymore. So even though I still cry when I think about her, I am so relieved that I have no regrets about how I treated her. I am so thankful that I made the decision to start loving her again. She knew I loved her the day she was lost.

My parents still keep her leash and collar. My mom said, "In Vietnam, I knew a family who gave their dog away to someone miles away. After a few months, the dog found its way back home." Oh it breaks my heart. God, I miss her.

The reason I'm sharing this with you is that this is a prime example of living like there's no tomorrow. I thought I was going to have her for another few years, but I treated her like I could lose her any minute. I can think of several very important people in my life who I would have many regrets with if I lost them tomorrow. But it's hard to let everyone know how much you love them. It takes time for one thing, but it's also awkward. I know one way that will help me have less regrets: picking up the phone when a friend calls. I so often ignore calls because I just don't feel like talking. But they're reaching out to me for a reason, and I should really start to embrace that reason.

Life resolution: improving the relationships in my life.

Starting right now.

I am going to contact everyone who is important to me and update them on my life. Then they will update me on theirs. And everyone will be updated. Simple enough. But maintaining it will be the hard part.

Sometimes when it's the other party that isn't doing their part of the maintenance, I just give it up on account of my pride, I suppose. I'm too proud to probe, or more accurately, I'm too afraid that my probing will be unwanted. Probing is an exaggeration. But if I e-mail someone, and they don't e-mail back in 3 weeks, how should I deal with it? I want to keep the correspondence going, but how do I go about asking: have you just been busy or do you want to end our e-mails? Errr....maybe I'll call them.

Anywho! I'm excited about this new decision. Because the relationships in my life sure need improvement. I'll let you know how it goes!

I recently updated my friend on the craziness that is my life. And I concluded the long story with "So I'm doing good." And he concurred by saying "Yeah, there's a lightness in your voice."

So yay! The hardest thing I've ever had to do is paying off. I've dealt with this break-up a lot better than I thought I would, and sometimes I worry maybe a little too well. But I don't want to get into that. I just want to accept my happiness as it is, and not psychoanalyze the situation.

Even though I truly feel that no man could ever make me happier, I was never happy with myself when I was with him. But now I am happy with myself! I am really happy.

I can go into more detail, this entry is so general. But it can get a little gory, and TMI. So I shall save that for my personal journal.

I woke up from a nap to a dark, empty apartment. And I felt so alone. Sleeping with my bedroom door open doesn't help the lonely atmosphere either. If it were closed, then maybe, just maybe, someone was on the other side. Usually I dread waking up from a nap in someone's presence. I don't want them to see me as lazy or unproductive.
So it was weird feeling so alone. I can't remember ever being so conscious about my loneliness. I had a strong urge to call him, an urge I haven't felt in awhile (over a week, at least, which is awhile for me). But I decided to blog it instead.
While some people have fear of commitment, I have a fear of loneliness.
But the freedom of my new single status made itself very apparent last night at our first party in our new apartment. Nothing happened, but I was free to let things happen if I wanted to.
I have been through enough to know that I don't want slutdom through my freedom. But I am my own person now, an independent individual if you will.

You know what I miss? I miss summers in Vegas. Warm nights and great friends. And pictures worth a thousand words. Drunken parties and dance floors in family rooms. I don't know when I'll be visiting Vegas this summer, if I'm visiting at all. I need to cross that line. That line between dwelling on the old life I had and enjoying the start of my new life. I still feel very connected to Vegas. But I need to let it go. If I keep on considering it my home, and thus my heart, I'll never be happy here. And I'm going to be here for a very long time. Every time I go to Vegas, I never want to leave.
I guess I'm not ready to start a new life. I'm just a baby. I don't want to grow up, to be responsible for myself. I don't want to let go of Vegas.

I can feel the white hair growing.

Tuition is due in a month, and I don't know where or how I'm getting the money.


I finally mustered up the courage to do the right thing for the one I love. And now I spontaneously cry when I hear Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." When I think of how he said "I tried...I tried to keep you," I break down in tears. It's bittersweetness I feel. I miss him so much. I wonder what he's up to, how he's doing. I miss his arms, that nook in his armpit that my head was made for. I miss how he imitates Stitch. I miss how good he is with Jasmine. I miss his belly, and the birthmark on his toe. I miss how good he was to me, and how good he was for me. He would do anything for me. I smile at him adoringly in a way I'll never smile at anyone. I miss how he wipes my tears and say "pixie dust" and pretends to sprinkle dust on my face.



But I finally let go of my security blanket. And for the first time in five years, I don't have all that I'll miss. I have the memories. And they're going to help me through this trying time. They're going to remind me why I did this and why I have to do this. And though it hurts to hurt someone you love, I, Jenny, am now a stronger person.

So my dear friend Cheriz asked me what was wrong because my blogs are so damn depressing. I'm only inspired to write when I'm sad, so I come off as a sad person. But I need to broaden my horizon of inspirations.

A few years ago, I thought that the family unity of Filipinos is amazing compared to my own family. But now that I live in Irvine, 45 minutes away from the extended family I grew up with, I happily drive to see them every weekend. When my aunt calls me to tell me she's having a BBQ, I get excited. I get excited about catching up with my cousins, playing Wii with them. I get excited about seeing my grandma and my older aunts and uncles.

My uncle, who hurt his shoulder, gave me a bed and mattress and helped me move it all the way to Irvine. My aunt continuously gives me money she doesn't have.

We don't say "I love you." We don't show affection. But we unselfishly give ourselves to our family, and that's how we express our love.

I let my identity as a student take priority over my identity as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend, lover. Remembering this acknowledgment, I postponed an hour of studying to help my mom with her English. I'm so proud of myself. An hour doesn't sound like a lot. And it isn't. But when you always put studies before anything, sacrificing an hour for someone else is a big accomplishment.

It has been 3 1/2 years since I've written in this blog. What sparked me to restart was a quote on Ann's facebook. It was an excerpt of my last blog entry on here. And when I read it, I knew it was from my old blog. She kept it on her computer this whole time. 3 1/2 years!

So I think I'm going to start blogging again. I believe my thoughts are interesting enough.

So what should I restart with? Man, it has to be something monumental. I'll get back to you on that.