I can feel the white hair growing.

Tuition is due in a month, and I don't know where or how I'm getting the money.


I finally mustered up the courage to do the right thing for the one I love. And now I spontaneously cry when I hear Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry." When I think of how he said "I tried...I tried to keep you," I break down in tears. It's bittersweetness I feel. I miss him so much. I wonder what he's up to, how he's doing. I miss his arms, that nook in his armpit that my head was made for. I miss how he imitates Stitch. I miss how good he is with Jasmine. I miss his belly, and the birthmark on his toe. I miss how good he was to me, and how good he was for me. He would do anything for me. I smile at him adoringly in a way I'll never smile at anyone. I miss how he wipes my tears and say "pixie dust" and pretends to sprinkle dust on my face.



But I finally let go of my security blanket. And for the first time in five years, I don't have all that I'll miss. I have the memories. And they're going to help me through this trying time. They're going to remind me why I did this and why I have to do this. And though it hurts to hurt someone you love, I, Jenny, am now a stronger person.

So my dear friend Cheriz asked me what was wrong because my blogs are so damn depressing. I'm only inspired to write when I'm sad, so I come off as a sad person. But I need to broaden my horizon of inspirations.

A few years ago, I thought that the family unity of Filipinos is amazing compared to my own family. But now that I live in Irvine, 45 minutes away from the extended family I grew up with, I happily drive to see them every weekend. When my aunt calls me to tell me she's having a BBQ, I get excited. I get excited about catching up with my cousins, playing Wii with them. I get excited about seeing my grandma and my older aunts and uncles.

My uncle, who hurt his shoulder, gave me a bed and mattress and helped me move it all the way to Irvine. My aunt continuously gives me money she doesn't have.

We don't say "I love you." We don't show affection. But we unselfishly give ourselves to our family, and that's how we express our love.

I let my identity as a student take priority over my identity as a daughter, sister, cousin, friend, lover. Remembering this acknowledgment, I postponed an hour of studying to help my mom with her English. I'm so proud of myself. An hour doesn't sound like a lot. And it isn't. But when you always put studies before anything, sacrificing an hour for someone else is a big accomplishment.

It has been 3 1/2 years since I've written in this blog. What sparked me to restart was a quote on Ann's facebook. It was an excerpt of my last blog entry on here. And when I read it, I knew it was from my old blog. She kept it on her computer this whole time. 3 1/2 years!

So I think I'm going to start blogging again. I believe my thoughts are interesting enough.

So what should I restart with? Man, it has to be something monumental. I'll get back to you on that.

But then.
We stopped running if we didn't have any place to go; we stopped climbing if we thought we couldn't get any higher. We didn't apply to Columbia because we thought we couldn't get in. We abdicated the throne ourselves, took the crown off, placed the crown down, and stayed in one place. We were sold the promise of satisfaction, we wore the clothes of contentment, and when we were hungry, we ate, and then we weren't hungry anymore.
We fooled ourselves into believeing we had to have something to discover in order to embark upon great search. We fooled ourselves into believing there had to be music if we wanted to dance. We threw on clothes in the morning and tugged our shirts down over ample bellies in the eyes of lovers. We came home not because we wanted to exhale, but because we figured that was the last place to find on earth.
Desire for the sake of desiring. Want for the sake of wanting. Go hungry for the sake of feeling something. Get lost. Strip yourself to the skin, brush lightly against the dip of your stomach, the arch of your back, the mystery of your neck. Be familiar with the terrain of yourself without getting too bored. Leave the clothes on the floor.
Feel without reason, fuck without explanation, search without objective, create without models, write without outlines, love without conditions, read without page numbers, fly without crash targets, sing without sound, fall apart without tape, laugh withough jokes, live without design.
Wake up to a life you love to live.

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

You get what you want; that's the scariest thing in the whole fucking world. You spend so much of your time bitching and rhapsodizing, desiring and wanting and panting every three seconds; so the minute it all stops, the minute you find a good real something in your hands, you can't help but start applauding, madly. Everything you want laid our before you? Shit.

"I'm not going to pay $7 for something I'm going to bleed on."--Cheriz...hilarious stuff.

You know when you do something new and exciting and the experience seems almost surreal? I haven't been to the beach in years...so when I saw the waves, stepped in the squishy sand, and felt myself being pulled back by the waves...it didn't seem like I was really there. It felt like I was watching myself do all this...like I was watching t.v. An out-of-body experience you may call it. It was like when I was at the Britney Spears's concert...it was as if I was watching her on t.v. Not sitting there actually watching her. I'm so used to NOT doing anything exciting that when I DO do (doo doo, haha) something exciting, it feels...ethereal. Haha, big vocabulary. I hope I used it correctly. You feel me?

I got my license. My parents won't let me take the car. Asses. I got really pissed cuz they're stalling on buying me a car. Sounds spoiled? You'd be pissed too if your older sister got a car. =P If anyone knows anyone selling a car...call me. Thanks. I want to play counter strike again. Damn dial-up. Pool anyone? ann...=P

I was playing Puzzle Fighter the other day. Remember that game? They use baby versions of Street Fighter Characters...and it's a Tetrisish sorta thing. Man...I miss childhood. I don't want to live forever...but I don't want to die. You feel me?

I was driving over those sewer metal circular things on the street. My dad goes..."What's that noise?" My mom goes "those Ninja Turtle things". Chinese parents...can't live with them, can't live without them. I'm getting my license tomorrow...hopefully. I really hope I pass. I've been looking forward to this day for...15 years and 9 months and one day. Everyone wish me luck. Thanks! Oh...I'm still single. Thanks again!!