Grace Young's blog totally kicks my blog's ass. Alright Jen Jen's ramblings, we need to better ourselves!

I thought of a new, not so serious resolution that I'm currently achieving actually. It's kind of embarrassing, but if I can't laugh at myself then...I should just die. Haha. See? Laughing at myself. So I do this thing that I got from my mom. I don't know why she does it, but I remember watching her do it when I was young.

I, like my mom, snap my bra in the front, then I twist it around to put it on. It's embarrassing, it's not sexy, and it's bad for my bras (because my bras have feelings too). So my resolution now is to snap my bra in the back. And it's a lot sexier that way, not to mention better for my bras. I'm already achieving this resolution, so I just gotta get kick-ass at it.

And I have a resolution for you men out there. Learn how to take a bra off with one hand. Now that's sexy.

So it's almost 8 in the morning, and I'm up trying to fix my jetlag problem. I just got back from Vietnam a few days ago. It was my first time outside of North America, and it was really fun. I went on a medical mission for the first week, and spent the 2nd week with family in Saigon that I've never met. I arrived in LAX on the 30th and was determined to make it to Vegas for New Years, which I did, yay! I wore this hot green dress that Lilian so wonderfully bought for me for Christmas. Emerson and I went to Red Room on Sahara and Valley Viewish. It's 21+, but he gots the hook-up like that. I had an Adios and it was goo-ood. We had champagne at midnight and shared a lovely Hollywood kiss. The music wasn't my style, I don't know how to dance to 80s and House. I wish I were a better dancer. Emerson's learning how to dance really well, and I'm so envious. He's busting out JT moves. Hot stuff.

Anywho, so my New Year Resolutions are:
1. Lose 20 pounds. This may sound extreme, but I lost 12 last fall. And I probably gained it all back in Vietnam (I haven't weighed myself yet). Man, if I accomplish this...it'd be really awesome. Haha. I hope my butt and boobs stay the same though. Well, I guess I can afford to lose some of my butt.
2. Graduate with at least a 3.5. Yeah, I'm graduating this year, guys. My heart was set on studying abroad in Hong Kong, but I realized, I don't need to study there, I just need to live there. So I'm walking in the spring, but will be finishing up classes in the summer. And will go to Hong Kong some time next year?
3. Get at least a 3.5 in my remaining Bio classes. My science GPA definitely needs some boosting, and it's too late to wish for a science GPA of a 3.5, but I can absolutely try to get that in my remaining 6 Bio classes.
4. Pass the CBEST. This is the California Basic Educational Skills Test to become a substitute teacher. I'm taking 2 years off before medical school and thought that becoming a sub would be a great way to kill time, and make money in the process.

I can't think of anything else I want to accomplish this year. Of course I have some life goals that I'll continue working on (eg., less judgmental). But I'll be very happy if I achieve those 4. I'll update you in one year!

Nothing phenomenal happened for Thanksgiving. It was just really good. I say "Wonderful" sometimes when people ask, but really nothing amazing. But at the same time, it is amazing how normal it was. We cooked, we ate, we played Cranium. But it was truly wonderful. When I look back on that night in my mind, everything is tinted brown. As if the whole night had an aura of brown. There was a warmth about that night, a feeling of home. I am really lucky to have such a close extended family. When I think about my nuclear family, it's not enough. My great relationship with my favorite cousins makes up for my strained relationship with my sisters. My great relationship with my dad's siblings makes up for my emotionally bi-polar relationship with my dad. I do love my mom though. I am so extremely grateful to have her personality. I don't see many people with our personality, and when I do, that person makes me smile, just like my mama makes me smile.

I had the best conversation with Ambika a couple days ago. It has been a very long time since we've had a good conversation, and oh how I cherish them. I especially cherish them because they're few and far between, but the smiles that last for days afterwards are really something. I felt like our friendship was gradually ceasing to exist, and then some mysterious entity comes with a defibrillator and revives our friendship. It's not even the things she says (even though she makes me laugh out loud in the library) but just knowing that she's on the receiving end of my words and I have her attention. After our good conversations, I have this permanent smile for days afterwards. As cheesy as that sounds. I think why I'm so happy is because my life resolution is to have better relationships with those I care about, and our conversations exemplify this. Life's good. It's Thanksgiving break, and I don't have a care in the world for 2 more days. Gobble gobble. gobble. gobble.

For some reason, I have never ever described myself as ambitious. When I hear about people being ambitious, I think, "I wish I were ambitious." But I do a lot. A lot, a lot. I am doing everything I need to be doing to get where I want to go...and then some. I am driven, and I'm acting on my drive. Why didn't I realize before that I am ambitious? I can be lazy, I suppose, and I always regret it. But I'm happy to have a new adjective to describe my whole person. I usually use "cheerful, positive, passionate," but now I can add to it. Cool. Yay!

I'm so sporadic in my blogging. I hate it. I've been meaning to write about this for nearly 3 months now. I haven't even written it in my private journal, but I'll get around to it.

My parents lost my dog in August. Her name is Jasmine, and she was wonderful. She was house trained, had a very cute face, and loved me unconditionally. I had her for 11 years. There was a period where I didn't care for her very much anymore. That was pretty much all of junior high and high school. Then in college, for some reason, I decided to start loving her again. I think it's because Connie left. It was her dog initially, but now it was mine. So Jasmine was my dog. She always wanted to be petted and she slept in my bed. Her tail curled over her body and you could always see her anus when she stood. She could still run and jump on the bed at 11 years. She had at least 4 more to go. So I started loving her more in the past few years. And especially after I moved to Irvine, I would love her so much whenever I saw her. And she would always remember me, thank goodness. I don't think she remembered Connie anymore. So even though I still cry when I think about her, I am so relieved that I have no regrets about how I treated her. I am so thankful that I made the decision to start loving her again. She knew I loved her the day she was lost.

My parents still keep her leash and collar. My mom said, "In Vietnam, I knew a family who gave their dog away to someone miles away. After a few months, the dog found its way back home." Oh it breaks my heart. God, I miss her.

The reason I'm sharing this with you is that this is a prime example of living like there's no tomorrow. I thought I was going to have her for another few years, but I treated her like I could lose her any minute. I can think of several very important people in my life who I would have many regrets with if I lost them tomorrow. But it's hard to let everyone know how much you love them. It takes time for one thing, but it's also awkward. I know one way that will help me have less regrets: picking up the phone when a friend calls. I so often ignore calls because I just don't feel like talking. But they're reaching out to me for a reason, and I should really start to embrace that reason.

Life resolution: improving the relationships in my life.

Starting right now.

I am going to contact everyone who is important to me and update them on my life. Then they will update me on theirs. And everyone will be updated. Simple enough. But maintaining it will be the hard part.

Sometimes when it's the other party that isn't doing their part of the maintenance, I just give it up on account of my pride, I suppose. I'm too proud to probe, or more accurately, I'm too afraid that my probing will be unwanted. Probing is an exaggeration. But if I e-mail someone, and they don't e-mail back in 3 weeks, how should I deal with it? I want to keep the correspondence going, but how do I go about asking: have you just been busy or do you want to end our e-mails? Errr....maybe I'll call them.

Anywho! I'm excited about this new decision. Because the relationships in my life sure need improvement. I'll let you know how it goes!

I recently updated my friend on the craziness that is my life. And I concluded the long story with "So I'm doing good." And he concurred by saying "Yeah, there's a lightness in your voice."

So yay! The hardest thing I've ever had to do is paying off. I've dealt with this break-up a lot better than I thought I would, and sometimes I worry maybe a little too well. But I don't want to get into that. I just want to accept my happiness as it is, and not psychoanalyze the situation.

Even though I truly feel that no man could ever make me happier, I was never happy with myself when I was with him. But now I am happy with myself! I am really happy.

I can go into more detail, this entry is so general. But it can get a little gory, and TMI. So I shall save that for my personal journal.

I woke up from a nap to a dark, empty apartment. And I felt so alone. Sleeping with my bedroom door open doesn't help the lonely atmosphere either. If it were closed, then maybe, just maybe, someone was on the other side. Usually I dread waking up from a nap in someone's presence. I don't want them to see me as lazy or unproductive.
So it was weird feeling so alone. I can't remember ever being so conscious about my loneliness. I had a strong urge to call him, an urge I haven't felt in awhile (over a week, at least, which is awhile for me). But I decided to blog it instead.
While some people have fear of commitment, I have a fear of loneliness.
But the freedom of my new single status made itself very apparent last night at our first party in our new apartment. Nothing happened, but I was free to let things happen if I wanted to.
I have been through enough to know that I don't want slutdom through my freedom. But I am my own person now, an independent individual if you will.

You know what I miss? I miss summers in Vegas. Warm nights and great friends. And pictures worth a thousand words. Drunken parties and dance floors in family rooms. I don't know when I'll be visiting Vegas this summer, if I'm visiting at all. I need to cross that line. That line between dwelling on the old life I had and enjoying the start of my new life. I still feel very connected to Vegas. But I need to let it go. If I keep on considering it my home, and thus my heart, I'll never be happy here. And I'm going to be here for a very long time. Every time I go to Vegas, I never want to leave.
I guess I'm not ready to start a new life. I'm just a baby. I don't want to grow up, to be responsible for myself. I don't want to let go of Vegas.