I've been working as a behavior interventionist (I'm really just a tutor who has to deal with maladaptive behaviors) to children with autism for nearly 9 months now. While I've gotten annoyed/frustrated with certain students and their behaviors (like tantrums), I've never broken down. But last week, for the first time, I almost cried during a therapy session. It's this one student N who has limited language and communication skills, so she expresses her unhappiness by scratching me. This has been going on for about 6 months now, and it sucks, but I've always dealt with it pretty well. She scratches me for various reasons like not wanting to do unpreferred work or when I block access to desired toys. But last week, she attacked me because I cleared my throat. She has done it before, and I try to avoid clearing my throat. But naturally, when you want someone's attention, you clear your throat. So when I wanted her attention, I cleared my throat out of habit, and she got to me. We've been trying to think of strategies to prevent the scratching, and one strategy is to tell her to turn around and sit down (simple I know, but very very difficult). So last week I cleared my throat, she got up, and I yelled (yes yelled) at her to turn around and sit down. She didn't comply and settled for pulling my ponytail. A lump started forming in my throat, and I started tearing up. She came at me again for whatever reason and I was so disheartened that I let her scratch me and told her to sit down in a broken voice. Her mom was there and so was my supervisor. They were both cool about it: the mom said I'm allowed to clear my throat and my supervisor wasn't disappointed in me. I think I cried because I lost my cool and yelled, in front of her mom and my supervisor nonetheless. I kind of felt like a failure. I am often scared to come close to this child, and that is giving her the power. My yelling is also giving her the power, because she sees the influence she has on me and knows she doesn't have to comply. This is such a difficult case, and I hate that she sometimes has power over our therapy sessions. She is 6 with autism for goodness sake.

It's funny. A few months ago I realized I rarely have bad days at work. I can pinpoint 2 bad days and those were both parent-related. Whenever my boyfriend asks me how work was, I always say good. My job is pretty great. It's super rewarding and I feel very appreciated. Tantrums can be a little stressful, but I don't mind them too much, because I know I'm leaving after a couple hours. But this past situation with N was the first time a child caused me to have a bad day. I still love her and her family very much. I just want her to get over this behavior for my sake and hers. It's not like she can be an adult scratching people whenever they clear their throat.

I must mention that I do not have it nearly as bad as the other tutor who works with N. The other tutor has bled during session on several occasions, and I saw the scars. I respect that tutor so much because she's still positive and still loves N. And N's behaviors are at least three times worse with her for almost every session. We take data on how many times N has a behavior. I've gotten up to 11-15 for scratching on a bad day, and the other tutor has tallied up to over 30.

Ok. I've been busy. This is my first night surfing the internet at my leisure in weeks. I've been meaning to write about this since January 1st, 2009.

So this past New Year's was the best of my life. And the countdown was probably one of the most memorable, powerful, inspirational 5 minutes of my life. So I was dancing to my heart's desire, loving Armin van Buuren, enjoying the music and the people and the positivity around me. Then I hear Obama's powerful voice penetrate through my mind and body: "TONIGHT, IT BELONGS TO YOU." I could have cried at that moment. Looking back on that moment now (sober, by the way), I almost want to cry. They repeated that line several times throughout the countdown. The actual line is: "But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you." It was from his victory speech in Chicago on November 4th, 2008, and there are no words that would have been more perfect for the occasion. Besides having campaigned for him and his victory really feeling like my victory, it was the night of New Year's Eve, and I was at a massive party with 50,000 other young people who have their whole lives ahead of them. Tonight really did belong to us.

Then I realized something. The 2008-2009 New Year will probably be the most important New Year in my life. 2008 was the historic Presidential race. And 2009 will be the beginning of the historic Presidency. In his one week in office, I am more proud of him than I have ever been. He is not letting America down. I am sublimely happy that he is living up to his word. This is history, baby. And we're living it.

Watch this video. It gives me chills. You only need to watch the first half to understand my amazement.



One of my close friends voiced their concern of my "morals." When she said she worried about my "morals," I honestly didn't know what she was talking about. At first, I thought "sex?" But no, she said raving. Before I look up the definition of morals, I define morals as your conscience and how you choose to treat others. A moral person is a good person, and an immoral person is a bad one. I think I am a freaking good person. If there is a heaven, I'm getting in. My personal life choices and what I choose to do with my own body does not make me an immoral person. Ok, dictionary.com's definition of morals: of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical. I guess it depends on what you and I consider to be right or wrong. Raving in and of itself is not wrong at all, it's just not meant for everybody. As for the rolling, I can't see how that is wrong either. It is illegal, yes. Dangerous, it can be. Artificial, yes. But wrong? No. I don't see how it is much different (in theory anyway) from alcohol. I know you read my blog, and it's something I wanted to address in my blog, so that is why I am not telling you this personally. You specifically said morals, and I am telling you, my morals are fine.

To all my friends and family who are concerned for my safety, I truly appreciate your concern. Raving is not adversely affecting my life. I am still Jenny. I am still as responsible as ever; I've even been studying for the MCAT more. I just do something occasionally for fun that's unconventional. Occasionally is the opportune word. I'm seriously not raving again until March.

Since it's January, I suppose it's time to check on my resolutions of last year. Oh dear.

1. Lose 20 pounds. Nope, didn't happen. But I didn't gain any weight either. Eek.

2. Graduate with at least a 3.5. WOOT! Go Jenny. I actually graduated with a UC GPA of 3.541 (doesn't include my 3.9 GPA from UNLV)! Barely made it, but I made it!

3. Get at least a 3.5 in my remaining Bio Classes. I got a 3.395. But hey, that's not bad! I don't think, anyway. That was my first time calculating that since I graduated...well ever.

4. Pass the CBEST. Not applicable.

I don't think I'll make resolutions this year. Because they're so damn obvious in my life right now. Study for the MCAT. Kill the MCAT. And maybe become a lead tutor at work, which is just a raise. Whatevs. No resolutions this year. Just be bomb diggity.

This post is a little late, but what else is new. So my 21st birthday was my best birthday to date. It landed on a Saturday night, how perfect! I didn't want to make it a big deal so I decided to only spend it with super close friends (above picture). I had a great time. I got super drunk and wasn't hungover the following morning. At the club, a guy bought me a drink for the first time. On top of spending my 21st birthday with my closest friends and sister, I received more birthday love than I ever could have hoped for.

On Saturday, November 8th (my birthday) at 5pm, I check facebook for the first time that day. I had 18 new notifications, and they were all wall posts wishing me happy birthday. That blew me away already. Then throughout the day, I got nearly 10 text messages wishing me happy birthday. And the following morning, I had 30 new notifications. Add in all the belated birthday wishes and messages on AIM, over 60 people wished me happy birthday. That has never happened to me before in my life, not even close. I know it's facebook, and I know it's not that 60 people remembered my birthday. But 60 people took the time to truly make my birthday happy. Who cares if facebook told them it was my birthday? Honestly, out of all your hundreds of friends on facebook, do you say happy birthday to every birthday notification? I felt so loved on my birthday and for several days following. You like me, you really like me.

Looking back on my past 3 birthdays, I've been a lucky girl. On my 19th birthday, my wonderful roomie @ <3 Lilian surprised me with a trip to Six Flags, then surprised me with an old friend. I'm not used to surprises, so I felt really loved that she put so much effort into surprising me. And all I got her was The Little Mermaid on DVD for her birthday in October of that year. On my 20th birthday, it landed on Hot Umbrella Nights, which was also a fundraiser for my ASUCI election. So many of my friends came out clubbing that night. Around a dozen friends or so. I felt really special then too because it was my birthday and fundraiser, double whammy.

Before I turned 21, I said this would be the last birthday I celebrate because I'm obsessed with aging and whatnot. Now I'm saying I don't want to celebrate anymore because these past birthdays can't be topped and I don't feel a need to top them.

So thank you to everyone who has made my birthday(s) truly happy. It feels good to feel loved.

I was in my living room with Tiffany and Lilian. We were talking about Jason Mraz because I had went to his concert the previous Saturday. I see Lil look at the TV and say something to the effect of, "What? He won?" And we all looked at the TV in confusion, he was only at 233 electoral votes when our Jason Mraz conversation started. Then it showed the crowd at Grant Park in Chicago cheering, and then we cheered too. I remember screaming and jumping up and down with Lilian and giving her a hug, and then giving Tiffany a hug. And then I screamed out of our door, "OBAMA!" I remember listening to McCain's concession speech and thinking, "this is the most I've ever respected him. What an honorable loser." Then after an intense 20-30 minutes or so, Obama finally arrives at Grant Park. And the announcer says, "Ladies and gentlemen, the next first family of the United States of America." And when that beautiful family of color walked out and I saw Barack Obama, I started bawling. Positively bawling. Barack Obama is going to be our president. I won't believe it until January 2009. And even then, it'll probably take a few months to sink in.

Though he didn't need Nevada's measly 5 electoral votes to win, I'm so happy that Nevada was blue! I took 2 trips there to campaign for Obama, so I'm glad those trips were useful.

I wonder what the next 4 years will look like...maybe the next 8?

I <3 raves. Techno music is really good when it's pulsating through your body. I've been to 2 raves before (Together as One 2005 and The Love Festival 2008), but by far, Monster Massive was the best. I think it was because the first time I went to a rave I didn't appreciate techno music and its effects on the body when rolling. And I didn't roll at my second rave. So at Monster Massive, I rolled AND felt the music...it was positively orgasmic.

Gosh, I sound like I'm promoting drug-use. My little cousins have access to this blog. But in all honesty, everything is fine in moderation. I am not going to roll every week, I am not smoking weed everyday. Drugs are bad if they interfere with your life. But if you have the time to have fun, then I wouldn't say "absolutely don't do drugs." Just be smart and be safe and be real. I like rolling and raving, but I realistically only want to go to raves a couple times a year.

All that is besides the point. I want to describe my raving experience and why I love raves. So yes, most people there are on drugs. But you know what drugs do to people? They make them nice and friendly and fun. As hippie as it sounds, raves are about love. The acronym PLUR even stands for Peace, Love, Unity, Respect. And ravers personify PLUR. I know that the love and friendliness aren't completely authentic considering they're the result of drug use...but in the rave setting, it works and it feels good.

While I'm not telling you to do drugs, I do encourage you to go to a rave if you've never been. It's a trip. It's so surreal. It's like you're stepping into a whole new world...like a wonderland. A world where everyone is happy and their only job is to dance and socialize. It's easy to pin ravers as silly with their rave clothing and candy bracelets, but they're worth taking the time to understand. Then again, everyone is worth taking the time to understand.

I have this tendency to put all my eggs into one basket, well most my eggs. There is one guy in my life right now that is worth investing in, or putting my eggs into his basket you might say. Let's call him Jack. A few days ago, I told my friend I'm putting a lot of eggs into this Jack basket because I have no other baskets to put my eggs into. Then I realized that's untrue, because I could put my eggs into my basket. Jack is really quite the catch, but putting all my eggs into his basket would just leave me even more hurt if he didn't feel the same way. So if I just put a couple of eggs into his basket, and keep the rest for myself, family, and friends...then disappointment won't be so bad.

When someone asks me what I like to do, or what my hobbies are...I really don't have any good answers. I would say reading, but everyone reads. I would say swimming, and that's something I truly do enjoy and am proud of, but it's basically exercise, not really a passion or an interest. I would say hiking, but I've only hiked like 5 times in my life and though I really enjoy it, I don't enjoy it enough to drive somewhere far regularly.

So in terms of putting my own eggs into my own damn basket, I've decided to join a hula school! I'm still trying to choose one, there are surprisingly so many in and around Orange County. But I'm so eager to get started. I love hula a lot, and my stomach was noticeably flatter when I was in Hawaii Club's luau in April. And now I'll have an interesting response when someone asks me what I do for fun.

Jenny is sad to be back on the mainland...but happier in general.

That was my status for the past few days and it describes me so well. I miss Hawaii terribly, after 9 days, I so wasn't ready to leave. When I arrived back in Cali, I felt no joy whatsoever to be back home. I thought about how crappy Cali is compared to Hawaii, and I still think so. But my life continues and my Hawaii trip was nothing but good for me.

I was so, so sad before my trip. Hawaii guy hurt me so much and it really dampened my excitement for my trip. But when I arrived, Randy greeted me with a beautiful wonderful-smelling plumeria lei, and I literally jumped and squealed for joy. It was gloomy and rainy the day I arrived, but I didn't care, I was just ecstatic to be there; there's something about Hawaii.

Of course I thought about him anyway. Whenever I saw fishermen, I took a closer look.

Anyway, the point is, throughout my whole trip, I felt like Stella getting her groove back (minus ending up with Taye Diggs). I loved Hawaii so much. I felt stress-free; my only job was to have fun and tan. So I didn't need Hawaii guy to have a good time in Hawaii, in fact, I had an amazing time without him. I'm actually very glad I didn't see him for almost all my trip. I honestly think my trip would not have been as wonderful as it was if he were a significant part of it.

I saw him at the very, very end of my trip. And it was the perfect end to my perfect vacation, but not in the way you might think. I decided to see the asshole in hopes of finding closure. And closure I found. When he dropped me off, he said, "I'll see you soon, okay?" And I said nothing. Seeing him reinforced what I knew all along: I really don't like him very much. For whatever reason, I have allowed him to make me miserable, but after seeing him, I am very confident that I will get over him.

So I'm much happier after my trip to Hawaii. I'm happier about the Hawaii guy situation obviously. And I'm also happier with myself. Happier that I found the strength within me to get over him. And happier that despite hurting inside, I was able to truly enjoy and fall in love with beautiful Hawai'i.

So my 2007-2008 school year was very, very busy. My days started at 8am or earlier and I didn't get home til 10pm or later. But guess what, everyone? It was so worth it! Well, I've always considered the stress and exhaustion worth it in the personal experience sense, but now I'm talking about the applicable, work-world sense.

My resume got me 5 job interviews! I only went to 3 interviews though, because 2 of the interviews were scheduled after I landed 1 of the jobs. Ok, I'm going to toot my own horn...I got all 3 jobs! Last month, I was worried that I wouldn't have a job when I got back from Hawaii. Then a few weeks ago, I was worried that I would choose the wrong job to impress medical schools with. Then today, when I got that 3rd job offer, I was worried that I would make the wrong decision for me. Before I continue with my decision-making process, here were my 3 choices:

1. Front Desk Receptionist/Medical Assistant - University Vascular Associates, private practice of 2 vascular surgeons near UCLA. My job would have been very administrative, but there is an in-office operating room where I could observe non-invasive vascular surgeries.

2. Behavior Interventionist - working with autistic children around the age of 3 in Orange County. Pretty self-explanatory.

3. Clinical Trials Coordinator - Retina-Vitreous Associates Medical Group in Beverly Hills. Overseeing 2-4 clinical trials from inception to end. This involves recruiting participants, being responsible for IRB protocols, liaison between doctors and sponsors, managing databases, etc.

Things I had to consider:

1. Pay - #3 pays significantly the most, about $7,000 more/year.
2. Letters of Rec - I am already getting a letter of rec from a medical doctor as well as my research professor.
3. Location - for #1 and #3, I would move in with family in Baldwin Park, which is about 30 miles from both jobs.
4. Impressing Medical Schools - #2 and #3 were tied to me.
5. Personal Growth and Learning

So I axed #1 first. What's so impressive about just observing surgeries? I have nearly 2 years of clinical experience already where I have done all the things I would do at job #1.

So today it was down to #2 and #3. The past few weeks I was leaning towards #3. I thought it would show a lot of leadership and responsibility. A job where I took initiative and was in control instead of doing what I'm told or what I'm just trained to do. And the pay was significantly more. My mentality is: my youth is over once I start medical school, and it's the most fun to be young and rich.

The autism job would definitely show compassion and patience. However, I thought it was so similar to what I've always done. I get trained for something and then I do what I'm trained for. But it could be a rewarding job, and I do love kids. And it would definitely prepare me for parenthood.

And location is so important. I'm going to Hawaii, and both jobs expect me to start soon after I get back. If I took job #3, I would have to move to Baldwin Park and find someone to replace me at my apartment in a matter of 2 weeks, not even. And I would have to move in with my family, whom I love very dearly, but can handle only in small doses. They're older, they're traditional, they're stuffy. I love my friends and freedom in Irvine. But rent would be free, or very very little. And I do really want to save money.

Then I realized another point against the autism job. I would be responsible for the progress of a child! If that child doesn't progress, I would be a big reason for that failure. And then I told my roomie Tiffany, "I don't think I have the personality that can handle failure, especially that of a child." And then I reworded that thought to another friend, "I don't think I have the personality that can handle being responsible for a child's progress."

And then it hit me. While I was trying to argue against the autism job, I really was arguing for it. I WANT TO BE A DOCTOR. I am going to be responsible for people's lives! And this job is the opportunity to start learning. I've never been responsible for another person before. Not as much as this. I've tutored elementary students where their reading and writing skills depended on me. But the social development of autistic children is much bigger.

So I'll be working with autistic children now that I'm out of college. And I'm so, so, so happy with my decision. I have a lot of growing to do, and here is a full-time job that will help me.

Random thought: People who can't properly park their SUVs shouldn't drive SUVs. Not to mention the effects of global warming.

So it's official, world. Jenny is no longer an undergraduate student. I officially have completed my undergraduate education at UC Irvine. As I walked out of my very last final this morning, as usual, I thought about the questions I got wrong or didn't know. It wasn't until a few minutes later as I was driving in my car did I remember: I'M FUCKING DONE! And I thought about the past 4 years of late night studying and juggling, and I realized...college really isn't that hard! Medical school will be way, way harder. While I've always known this, I did consider being a Bio major at UCI very stressful, and now I don't know why. Well, it's not really important anymore. I am a college graduate! It says so on facebook and everything.

I don't feel particularly different. I think it'll hit me when APSA has its Welcome Week. Oh man, I'm an APSA Alumnus now, so this is how Narinda feels. Haha. I can't wait to support them in their events like Narinda supported ours. Enjoying amazing APSA events without the stress of planning them? Fuck yeah!

Alright world, Jenny Phung has her Bachelor of Science in Biological Sciences with a minor in Asian American Studies. Woot woot!

So my family may not be wealthy, and we're surely very dysfunctional (we put the Fung in dysfungctional, hahahaha). But boy, do we take care of each other.

My grandma's in the hospital. I've visited her in the hospital several times in my life, but this is the first time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). When we got there, my family told me that earlier that day, her heart stopped 3 times, as in they had to use a defibrillator. She's such a trooper. So it was my turn to go in, and she was fine, well relatively fine. I was worried that her heart stopping caused brain damage or something, or loss of spirit and soul. But she recognized me and knew who I was. She talked to me about the usual: respecting my elders, if I ate yet, where I'm sleeping tonight.

I could handle seeing the IVs in her and the oxygen tank without being too shaken up. But then she said something that made me cry right on the spot. She said in an apologetic tone, "Grandma doesn't have any lay see (red envelope) to give you." Red envelope has money in it, so my grandma was sorry she didn't have any money to give me. That did it. I didn't bawl, but I did cry. My grandma is not rich at all, yet she still hands me $20 bills every time I see her, which is a portion of her Social Security money.

Sigh. She's old now, not as vibrant as she used to be. As my dad said, her light is getting dimmer. And in her intensive care state, she still worries about giving me money.